If a bird falls in the city...

...should I laugh? Well, I already did. Yesterday morning as I was on my way to work, I saw a pigeon fly directly into the glass wall of a building. It was accompanied by another bird with the wits to avoid a direct collision. The pigeon made contact at the first-floor level so it didn't fall far, and after it recovered it seemed no stupider than before, so those of you who love pigeons need not worry.

Naturally, I had to phone Dan immediately to tell him about this, and that's when I lost control. It took me about three minutes to choke and gasp out what had happened, and by that time I was in the lobby of my building. So then I'm on the elevator, with a flushed, tear-streaming face, giggling like mad. Not much of that goes on where I work, so I stood out like as sore a thumb as possible. Heh.

New favorite lyric:

"At any convenient time
Funny how my memory slips when looking over manuscripts
Of unpublished rhyme
Drinking my vodka and lime"

Artist: Simon & Garfunkel (Paul Simon)
Song: Hazy Shade of Winter
Album: Bookends

Paging Barack Obama

Please do something about this. Take especial note of...

The new analysis of data from a large federal survey found that more than half of youths became sexually active before marriage regardless of whether they had taken a "virginity pledge," but that the percentage who took precautions against pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases was 10 points lower for pledgers than for non-pledgers.

Stop funding abstinence-only nonsense. Now.

For the holidays

This morning I was out walking on partly icy streets, and getting really ticked off at the way the ice clings more tenaciously to bricked sidewalks. Then I got the thought stuck in my head to music. I mentioned this to Dan when I got home, and he suggested blogging about. So if you don't like, you should blame him.

Rush Limbaugh, Hannity, John Coulter's daughter
Cocoa that's made not with milk but with water
Halfway apologies, free stuff with strings
These are a few of my most-hated things

Brickwork that serves as a road or a sidewalk
Sneakers with khakis or insipid small talk
Cockroaches in my house, spiders with wings
These are a few of my most-hated things

When the joke bites
When the shirt clings
When the name is Thad
I think someday I'll outlaw these most hated things
Until then I just get mad

Snowfalls on weekends and fish and bananas
Late-night renditions of "Copacabana"
People who think that it's no fun on swings
These are a few of my most hated things

I really do hate these things, too.

The good, the bad and the ugly

The good:

I got a blast of inspiration on the stand-up front, and not at 5am as usual. Happened during my morning walk, which is another favorable time for my muse. For the first time I have to decide if I want to start actually naming names in my set. I'm not certain yet, but I think I'm taking the Kathy Griffin route and burning those bridges.

The bad:

Majel Barrett Roddenberry passes away. Dammit.

The ugly:

I am contemplating some chocolate Oreos tonight. That's not pretty.

Hey, Star!

It’s been two years since you’ve been around (which is my roundabout way of saying what really happened), and I thought I’d catch you up on a few things that have happened in the interim. I’m pretty certain that, wherever you are, you’ve finagled some kind of Internet access and are able to read this. So here goes.

We’ll start with national matters. The Democrats, whom you helped put in charge of Congress back in ’06, didn’t do as well as we hoped in blunting George Bush, but they did manage to hound that odious Alberto Gonzalez out of office. But! It gets better. Remember that skinny guy with the funny name whom Illinois elected to the Senate? The one who gave that amazing speech at the ’04 Democratic convention? Well, he was just elected president, the first African-American to reach that office. Babyraven and Boyfriend and Supertarzan watched the returns with us, and you should have heard us when MSNBC called the race for Barack Obama. I wish you could have seen his acceptance speech…it was this incredible piece of history I felt honored to witness.

Let’s move on to more personal matters. Feanor and Poppy bought a big house, with many rooms and a back yard…the whole shebang. Very swank. Babyraven lost some weight and at Halloween she totally rocked her crazed, Tim Burtonish baby-doll dress. She and Boyfriend are still together, by the way. SuperTarzan graduated law school AND passed the bar in one try, which totally did not surprise me. I know lots of smart people, but he’s among the smartest even of those. VisMajor and family are well, and the Young Sir is now in high school. His voice is changing and he’s almost taller than I am. (Not that the last part is that big a deal, but I thought I’d mention it.) EverMike, whose online name I can’t recall, is well and dating someone, which was hard for me to get used to although that’s no fault of his or hers. Rhys is just about four now, and he’s incredibly intelligent. All in the genes, eh? Your folks paid off their house, and I was there to help celebrate the burning. Of the mortgage. Not the house.

Dan and I are up and down, but mostly up. We bought a house (we couldn’t be outdone by Feanor and Poppy, you see) about four blocks below South Street, within easy reach of the Italian Market. It has a basement room that was perfectly suited for a Dan Cave, and a deck which is perfectly suited for parties. Dan published Realpolitik, using photos (taken by Babyraven herself) of Movie Night folks, Fosters, and other assorted dignitaries. I’m proud as I can be. You’re featured in there as the Cultural Icon, which we knew would have embarrassed you but we did it anyway. I’ve taken up stand-up comedy, if you can believe it, which has taught me that no matter how embarrassing you think something will be, it’s probably won’t be as bad as you think. I had my own show in October, and even though I performed sick as a dog, I had a blast.

Everyone misses you terribly, even if we sometimes don’t say so. There are a few memorials to you around Center City, most notably the one your family put up by the frog in Rittenhouse Square. That would probably have embarrassed you, too, but I think we need it. You left us so abruptly and shockingly that they are something we can hold on to. It’s still hard for me to believe you’re gone. The other day I was looking at a picture of you at one of my Halloween parties and I said to Dan that was taken in ’07. He just looked at me sadly and said, “No, it wasn’t.” I’m not dodging reality, though; even in my dreams I know you’re no longer with us. I dreamt once that you and I were working as tellers at Commerce Bank, and we wore those awful little sweaters with the nametags and everything. We were screwing up the money and pissing off the customers and laughing like lunatics about it, but even in this little bank-teller fantasy there was a part of me that knew the truth. When I woke up I stared at the ceiling for a long time.

I’m not certain about anything since that terrible day two years ago. I finally understand the allure of those ultra-conservative Christian faiths, in which there is a source of unerring certainty that never changes and need never be doubted, because these days, it feels as though doubts are all I have. I don’t know if I grieved the right way, or if I was supportive enough to those who needed it, or if I should have done more or less. I don’t know if I’ll ever get back that sweet illusion that death is something that happens only to people I don’t know. I don’t know what comes after we pass away: another life or just oblivion, the ultimate end. I hope it’s the former, maybe because I can’t conceive of my own non-existence, or maybe because I don’t want to conceive of yours. I’d like to think that I’ll see you again in some other place and that you’ll say, “Hey, what took you so long? They have cookies here!” But no matter what may happen in the next world, I know I’ll never see you again in this one, and I guess that’s hard enough to live with.

Speaking of living, I’d better get back to it. I’ve got books to read, Frisbees to throw, vacations to vacate, comedy club audiences to either crack up or bore, and people to cherish while I still have them. And all of those things are sweeter for having known you.

Love,

Neil

P.S. If they do have cookies there, save me an Oreo, because I’m bringing the milk!

When's Lunch? When's Lunch?

I brought a meatloaf sandwich (a renegade from last night's dinner) to work today, and I am now looking for any excuse to eat an early lunch. I am working through my lunch today, it's true, so it could be argued that since there is no technical lunchtime today, I can have that sandwich any time I please. Perhaps SuperTarzan, with his newly minted bar membership, can come up with better reasoning. After all, he performed swimmingly on Game Day, coming up with a stellar argument as to why Poppy's move in Settlers of Catan was not only acceptable but even recommended. Something about estoppel. Or maybe it was John Stoffel. Whatever.

So tired!

Woke up at 5:30 am this morning with some new stand-up material burning in my brain, which is often the way it happens. Not that I am ungrateful to my muse, mind you, but I wish Thalia would choose a different hour in which to grace me with her presence. (Thalia really is the muse of comedy, too.) So I'm pretty tired right now, but that won't stop me playing Ultimate tonight. In the mud.

I bring this on myself, I know.

I'd kind of like to be a muse, or maybe a demi-power, and I totally know what I'd like to be the god of: near-success. The commuter who misses the train by inches, the moviegoer who comes up one dollar short, the mayoral candidate who loses by twelve votes out of two hundred thousand...all of these would be in my bailiwick. None of them would worship me, you understand, but they would implore me to turn my baleful eye elsewhere, and those who made good offerings would be duly ignored. Those who did not make offerings? Baleful eye.

I've been listening to Fountains of Wayne's first album, cleverly titled Fountains of Wayne, and I'm digging it intensely.

Hey! At Thanksgiving I ate some chocolate cake with white icing that I got from More Than Just Ice Cream, and it was tasty. The icing wasn't exactly vanilla, nor was it mint; it was white, which was enough for me.

New favorite lyric:

"Oh yeah, and I can see the signs
Oh yeah, she's only killing time
Oh yeah, and she's not long for this world."

Artist: Fountains of Wayne (Chris Collingwood/Adam Schlesinger)
Song: She's Got a Problem
Album: Fountains of Wayne

Something that really bugs me

...and it's nothing political. Have you ever been interrupted by others? Had them talk over you? Had to repeat what you just said to them? Notice this glazed look in their eyes while you're talking, as if they're not listening to you but preparing for their next monologue? These are all symptoms of I'm-Not-Paying-Attention-To-You Syndrome, and it ticks me off.

When someone is telling you something, that's sharing, even if the topic is relatively innocuous. Do him/her the courtesy of shutting your mouth and opening your ears. Wait until he's done before you start your response. Even better, when he's done, take a breath before talking to give yourself a moment to consider what you've just heard. Think about what was said, and compare it against what you knew before to see if you need to perhaps change one or more of your opinions. Then, when you respond, you're guaranteed to sound more intelligent and sympathetic than you would if you'd simply overrode his words and chittered out the same opinion you had before the conversation began.

I'm not doing the passive-aggressive thing where I'm trying to reprimand someone specific who reads this blog; this is a pet peeve of mine that I just felt like airing. I don't like to be cut off, I don't like inattention*, and I don't like to repeat myself. A conversation is a considered exchange of opinions and information in which there is both talking and listening; without both of those two basic components, it's just blabbering in company.

*Note that a request for explication does not qualify as inattention or a request for a repetition; if anything, it's a sign that the other party is indeed paying attention.

New favorite lyric:

"Dominique, nique, nique s'en allait tout simplement
Routier pauvre et chantant
En tous chemins, en tous lieux, il ne parle que du bon Dieu
Il ne parle que du bon Dieu"

Artist: Jeanne-Paul Marie Deckers (Jeanne-Paul Marie Deckers/Noel Regney)
Song: Dominique
Album: Unknown

The reinvented post

Eh...I cleaned out this post because I got tired of the political stuff. On to equally important matters: clothing.

A swing and a miss for Daffy's this week, as Monday saw me in a great black sport coat I got there last year. Fits me as if it were custom-made, ha-cha! Today, however, I was quite disappointed with their selection of winter coats. Apparently, European coats all come with zippers on the left, which is most inconvenient for the 95% of the world that is right-handed. Fucking Europeans. No wonder both Napolean and Hitler kicked them around.

Nothing like a one-track mind

The responses to Barack Obama's election (suck it, conservatives!) are many and varied, but this is one of the more amusing. Here are a few quotes:

"Don't let people think common good is a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," said [Bishop Joseph] Martino.

Yeah, next they'll be thinking that the common good might also be health insurance. Sheesh.

"Any one of us here would consider it a privilege to die tomorrow — die tomorrow! — to bring about the end of abortion," said Auxiliary Bishop Robert Hermann of St. Louis.

If we're lucky, you'll get that wish.

I used to think Sarah Palin was just unprepared...

...but now I think she's just not that smart. Check out this little gem, taken from the New York Times:

“Now we kick in that fiscal conservativeness that needs to be engaged, and we progress this state with $57-a-barrel oil,” Ms. Palin said. She said the state would have to “be prudent with public dollars and provide services more efficiently than have ever been provided in the state of Alaska before.”

I empty a red pen marking up that statement. Ye gods, but that woman could have been president. And still might be.

I have come home

This was taken about a month ago, but I was too lazy to post it.

Bigotry...a game everyone can play!

The only blemish on Election Night was the ease with which various anti-gay measures passed in Florida, Arizona, and, surprise surprise, California. This article really got me thinking some nasty thoughts, and I'll quote a few choice bits here:

"I think it's mainly because of the way we were brought up in the church; we don't agree with it," said Jasmine Jones, 25, who is black. "I'm not really the type that I wanted to stop people's rights. But I still have my beliefs, and if I can vote my beliefs that's what I'm going to do. "

Is she OK with white supremacists doing the same?

"I don't discriminate against people," he [beauty supply store owner Pablo Correa] said, with a wave at the rows of lipstick and makeup. "I have a lot of customers who are homosexuals, transsexuals and bisexuals. I'm not against these people." He added: "But I'm a traditionalist. I come from a traditional family. People can do whatever they want in their own life, but I have to protect my family."

He has no problem with "these people"; in fact, he thinks everybody should own one.

It's times like this that I could look at a burning cross on a lawn and not bat an eye.

If you missed the show...

...I have finally posted the video. Click on "My Videos" on the right there and look for "1-4-5 Show", which is posted in three parts. Came out pretty well, and kudos for Dan for keeping the camera so steady for my 23-minute set.

America, this terrorist-fist-jab's for you

It's been a long time since I voted for a winning presidential candidate, so I relished last night. Obama's acceptance speech was amazing even for him, and I'll credit McCain for his gracious concession. Ambition might have made him a dry husk of the man he used to be, but he bowed out with dignity. I still have to remind myself, "Yes, America did vote in its first African-American president."

I also relished this morning, when I browsed to Redstate.com to silently and privately gloat over the discomfiture and defeat of the wing-nuts who post there. Tee-hee. They'll never know.

My mind is happily reeling at the prospect of days and days of interesting news coverage. Who will be Obama's Attorney General? Secretary of State? Chief of Staff?** And what about Supreme Court nominees? You know that Stevens, who's near 90, has been hanging on by his fingernails waiting for a Democratic president, and I hear that Ginsberg and Souter are looking at the door as well. Oh, the hours I'll spend on Google News!


**Supposedly, this is to be Rahm Emmanuel, the former Clintonista who once distinguished himself by sending a dead fish to a pollster who had displeased him. I know the chief of staff is supposed to be a bulldog, but ye gods.

Happy Halloween!

Someone on my posting board made what I felt was a great comment in regards to John McCain's "Joe the Plumber", so I'm posting it here. You can also read the comment in its original context, if you like, but here goes.

This is one of the more bizarre things this campaign season had to offer. Joe the plumber. A plumber who's not a (licensed) plumber, whose name isn't Joe, whose salary is about 20% of what he said it is, who is concerned about the tax on the profits of a small business which he doesn't own, which doesn't actually generate as much profit so that it would be taxed more and which he's not going to buy, (because he doesn't have the means) while at the same time he owes back taxes. He's a delusional fake. And this is the guy around which the GOP economic message is built? WTF? Are you kidding me? Couldn't McCain, among all the GOP voters (presumably more than 45% of all voters) find a single person who was just that little bit more real. You know, someone who maybe owns a small business for which the tax rate actually does increase. The whole thing is so incredibly stupid and incompetent, it's actually quite sad. And yet, after all this has been said and brought into the open, they still continue with this talking point. Can anyone explain? This is so far beyond me, it seems like this GOP strategy has been hatched out in some weird bizarro parallel universe.

On my way to work this morning, I got to see the mobs of people gathered along Broad Street and around City Hall in preparation for the Phillies parade. Wish I'd brought my camera!

Dan, Ed and I are trolling around the city tonight in costume, which should be made more interesting by the aforementioned parade. Yum.

Looky, looky

There are new photos available on Flickr, in sets titles respectively "Sabrina's Wedding" and "Halloween '08." Click on "My Photos" on the right to view 'em. Enjoy!

Oh, I am am relieved the report that the Great October Dash of 2008 is now over. It was the first time I could recall actually looking forward to November.

Buttoned up

So far this election season I have collected five Barack Obama buttons, and I wear them all, not counting the one I gave to Dan. That's new for me; in the past five elections in which I was eligible to vote, I never felt the slightest desire to advertise my political leanings even when I had opinions. This year's different.

It's not that I think Barack Obama is the Wise One Who Will Bring Peace, because I think that, at the end of the day, he's pretty just much a politician. A canny, intelligent, and inspirational politician, to be sure, and one who stands much closer to me on the isues than that dreadful McCain, but he's no savior. The button's not about that, though. It's about the hope Obama represents: that Democrats can indeed appear (and be) strong, that fear need not be a campaign tool, that in this nation black people can be president, too. That's pretty heady stuff.

I'm not good at hope, and never have been. I'm pragmatic, realistic, and determined, but I tend not to spare much thought in hoping for better. When asked if my glass is half-empty or half-full, my response has typically been: "Who cares? It's the only glass I have." That sounds realistic and practical, and I guess in some ways it is, but it's no way to live. So I've been practicing hope, even though it kinda runs against the grain for me. We're always told don't get your hopes up, as if that's going to protect you from the crap life occasionally sends your way. I've discovered that you're almost always better off getting your hopes up, and here's why. Take for example the presidential election. My disappointment at a McCain victory will be no greater if I hope for Obama's triumph, so I may as well savor the hope now while it lasts. That's not sensible, but no one said life was sensible. Besides, sensible is overrated; sometimes you have to do the dumb thing, take the long odds, and thumb your nose at all the reasons why not. That's what got me on stage doing stand-up, and even though that was a dumb thing and certainly long odds, I'm so glad I did it.

So you know what? I get my hopes up. I take the long odds. I wear that button. And tomorrow I'm wearing two.

The England Diary

Wednesday, Oct 15

Arrived at Heathrow after getting a bare 4 hours' sleep, sponsored by Prince Valium. Broke my fast on a scary airline croissant that was the only alternative to chewing the seat cover. Napped for one hour before touring Woking, the place where HG Wells wrote "The War of the Worlds."

Thursday, Oct 16

Visited Blenheim Castle, birthplace of Winston Spencer Churchill and current home of the Duke of Marlborough. Gorgeous estate, although I'm told that since the aristocracy is short on cash, it's supported by the fees paid by visitors. A pennant flying above the place indicated the Duke was in residence but he didn't invite me for tea. Bastard.

Stopped in Oxford on the way back. All college towns are the same.

Friday, Oct 17

Trolled about London, people-watching and marveling at how at home I always feel there. Visited the London Zoo, where I saw I spur-thighed tortoise (ouch!) and a reticulated python. I'd like to be a reticulated something. Had dinner in Covent Garden, where there was a tasty tomato vegetable soup and an incredible dessert of a gingerbread pudding (in American terms, a cupcake), sitting in a pool of toffee with a spoon of clotted cream. Mama.

Saturday, Oct 18

Visited Windsor Castle, country home of the monarch and her family. Tremendous place with ten million drawing rooms and one space known as "Queen's Presence Chamber." Not sure what happens in that room. The queen was in residence that day, and, again, I was not invited for tea. Pretty cheeky behavior, if you think about it, from a monarch whose son got divorced and whose grandson isn't really hers. (That's right, I said it!)

Sunday, Oct 19

Got to Heathrow in plenty of time for a noon flight. Watched "Sex and the City" movie on the way back and wondered how anyone can really sympathize with the travails of a bunch of thin, rich, successful women. Also wondered just when Sarah Jessica Parker turned into the hag that tried to eat Tom Cruise in "Legend."

***

With this trip behind me, scratch item #4 of the Great October Dash. Now for the Halloween party!

And the Great October Dash continues

This weekend I put away items #2 and #3 of the Great October Dash of 2008, those items being the wedding of a long-time friend and my first self-produced show. The Dash, in case you didn't know, consists of...

1. Dan's sister's wedding in NYC
2. The 1-4-5 Show
3. Long-time friend's wedding
4. Trip to England
5. My Halloween bash.
   

By the way, I had a great time at the show, although those who attended might not have been able to tell because I was sick and a bit fever-addled. In reviewing the recording, however, I seemed to perform fairly coherently, so I guess that's a victory both for me and for the good people at Motrin. Said video will be available on YouTube once Dan figures out** how to get such an enormous file off the camera. Thanks to all who showed up, cheered, laughed, etc. There will indeed be another show at some point, but not until the new year.

On to item #4 of the Dash, which is my impending trip to England. I leave tomorrow evening, armed with several doses of Valium to send me safely into the arms of slumber while British Airways speeds me to London. I've decided that the long flights to and fro are a good time to catch up on some of the famous literature I've neglected, so at lunch I'm off to pick up one I've already read (The Grapes of Wrath) and a few others I haven't. As a point of history, I first read Wrath in high school, and I recall that whilst reading it on the front porch, I looked up to see the smoke from the fires on Osage Avenue.


**Isn't Dan amazing?

The day has arrived

...and I sound like a sick ward refugee. Fortunately, I feel better than I sound, so I should be able to get through the evening without fainting. And! Courtesy of Feanor, I have made Phillyist.

In case you have not heard, SuperTarzan passed the Pennsylvania bar exam, which means that he's now SuperTarzan, Esquire. Yay him! So from now on when you ask him to critique the latest Supreme Court decision, he can charge you. ("Through the nose," he told me.) But that also means he has now joined the ranks of the lawyers, whom we can blame for anything we want. So if my show goes badly tonight...

New favorite lyric:

"Why must you always be around?
Why can't you just leave me be?
You've done nothing so far but destroy my life
You cause as much sorrow dead as you did when you were alive."

Artist: Sinead O'Connor (Sinead O'Connor)
Song: You Cause As Much Sorrow
Album: I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got

The luck of the Irish...

...has passed me right by, because I'm getting sick just in time for my first-ever self-produced comedy show! Those of you who plan to attend should expect a punchy, heavily medicated me. That might improve my act, now that I think of it. Argh.

As a reminder:

1-4-5 Show at Joe
Joe Coffee Bar
1100 Walnut St.
Doors open at 6:30pm
Show starts at 7pm
Admission: $5
Sickness optional

Oh what a day!

Yes, once again I turn a year older, and a tasty turning-older it was. Dan made me a great lunch of garlic sausage, fresh pasta (OK, it was made yesterday) and fresh broccoli. Admittedly, I had to add the broccoli myself, but it was there. Then there were chocolate ricotta cookies and a marscapone eclair from Isgro. Divine.

Many important things happened on October 6, I might point out. Here are a few:

• Frodo Baggins and company were attacked on Weathertop by the Witch-King and his Nazgul lackeys.
• Robert Bork lost his chance at the Supreme Court.
  
• Mark Petrie, Ben Mears, Jimmy Cody and Father Callahan invaded the Marsten House and killed the vampiric Susan Norton.
  
• "The Jazz Singer" opened, heralding the day of talking pictures.
  
• Elizabeth Taylor married for the eighth time. (Walder Frey had nothing on her.)

I'm assuming you can guess which of these are fictional.

Dan's sister's wedding was this weekend, and naturally I forgot to bring the camera. But! My mom had hers, so there will be pics in due course.

If only this were on TV

Check out this awesome pro-Obama video, that illustrates perfectly why experience is no substitute for good judgment.

Speaking of judgment, I exhibited the bad judgment to choose to paint a closet door on the most humid day in September, even though I know from experience that's not a good idea. Unsurprisingly, the door took all day to become only slightly sticky. Not that painting my closet door was a screw-up of Iraq proportions, but, you know.

Dan and I were discussing values the other day, like you do. We concluded that, although everyone talks about values, particularly in the context of voting, not many actually know what they mean. How many people actually think about what their values are? You can say, "pro-life", but that's a political position, not a value. "Guns don't kill people, people kill people," is a slogan, not a value. Of those few who do think about values, how many actually apply those values to their lives and decisions?

Naturally, all this got me thinking about my own values, so I'll try to list a few here, in no particular order:

1. Fairness: I think you should treat people not only politely but even-handedly, without judging them arbitrarily or too harshly. Of course, we all make our own internal judgments, but you don't have to let your less-admirable thoughts dictate your actions.
2. Responsibility: We all have our emotional baggage, and oftentimes what we carry with us from our earlier life really wasn't our fault. At the end of the day, however, you have to decide what kind of person you want to be and work towards that.
3. Curiousity**: For the life of me, I can't understand those people who at a certain point in life decide that they've learned everything they need to know, so they cap their beliefs, slap a coat of lacquer on 'em and go to sleep. In my view if you're not learning you're not living, and that goes both for intellectual and emotional matters.
4. Community: Although each of us must take responsibility for him/herself, there's no law that says you can't lend a hand now and again. Everyone needs it, and from a purely selfish standpoint helping someone for no other reason than kindness feels pretty damn good.

That's all I can think of right now. Feel free to suggest others, if you like.

**English spelling used in deference to Babyraven.

Into the realms of fantasy...

...this campaign wanders. Apparently, John McCain is qualified to lead the free world, but not to hold a presidential debate and do anything else at the same time. Maybe when you're older than dirt it gets hard to multitask, or maybe you're just pulling a cheap political stunt. Who can say?

Update: With the bailout deal solidifying, McCain's now vacillating about the debate. Great Zeus...he's like a virgin on prom night. Will I do it? Won't I? How much will it hurt?

We painted the living room this weekend, with the kind assistance of Ultimate Sean and Shushanna. And there was not only paint, but tasty garlic sausage, fresh grapes, and homemade chocolate chip cookies. And Dungeons & Dragons. But the walls are off-white, and now we're moving on to freshening up the woodwork and painting the three doors that open off that room. Then it's on to the dining room!

John McCain, meet a real maverick

Republican Chuck Hagel recognizes the reality of Sarah Palin, who has seen Russia from Alaska. Here's my favorite part of the article:

Palin herself has addressed the question of her foreign policy experience in a recent interview with ABC News.

"We've got to remember what the desire is in this nation at this time," she said. "It is for no more politics as usual, and somebody's big, fat résumé, maybe, that shows decades and decades in that Washington establishment where, yes, they've had opportunities to meet heads of state."

Right, right...so Washington experience doesn't matter, unless of course Barack Obama can be said to lack it. Then, it's vital.

::punches self in head::

This looks familiar

Great Zeus...the woman's not even in the vice-president's office yet and she's already using her political power to shut down investigations over her own wrongdoing. You know, I'm starting to think that despite her thin resume, her startling willingness to consider a war with Russia, and her ignorance of foreign policy basics, Sarah Palin is indeed ready for the White House.

Hey, Dan and I watched a pretty good movie the other night, Sudden Fear. Released in 1952, this thriller stars Joan Crawford and Jack Palance, and is set in San Francisco. The movie sort of changes in the middle, but gratifyingly in my view, and I recommend it. Oh, but may I say that Jack Palance was not good-looking as a young man? Age has improved him, in my view. Not many of us can say that.

New favorite lyric:

"Calling the moon, I can see by her light
This one's going out to the moon tonight
I'm calling the moon
Calling the moon, 'cause I know what it's worth
To tug at the seas and illumine the Earth"

Artist: Dar Williams (Dar Williams)
Song: Calling the Moon
Album: The Green World

I don't normally post Internet things like this...

...but I am so frustrated about this election that I just couldn't resist.

The Rules of the 2008 Election

If you're a minority and you're selected for a job over more qualified candidates you're a "token hire."
If you're a conservative and you're selected for a job over more qualified candidates you're a "game changer."

-------

If you're a Democrat who has been in the Senate for thee years, you are a Washington "insider".
If you're a Republican who has been in the Senate for 26 years, you are a Washington" outsider"

-------

If you're white, win a beauty contest, attended 5-6 colleges before finally graduating, join the PTA, are voted to be mayor by 1000 people, govern a sparsely populated state for a almost two years now, and randomly get chosen at the last minute to be VP…you've "lived the American dream".

But if you're black, raised by a single mother, lived on food stamps, help the community, get into Harvard, become the first black editor of the Harvard Law Review, and are voted to be the presidential nominee by millions of people, you are just "uppity".

-----

If you live in an urban area and you get a girl pregnant, you're a "baby daddy."
If you're the same in Alaska, you're a "teen father."

-----

Black teen pregnancy? A "crisis" in America.
White teen pregnancy? A "blessed event."
------

If you name your kid "Barack", you're "unpatriotic."
If you name your kid "Track", you're "colorful."

-----

If you say that for the "first time in my adult lifetime I'm really proud of my country" it makes you "unfit" to be First Lady.
If you are a registered member of a fringe political group that advocates secession that makes you fit to be "First Dude."

-----

If you're a man and you decide to run for office despite your wife's re-occurrence of cancer you're a "questionable spouse."
If you're a woman and you decide to run for office despite having five kids including a pregnant 17-year old and a newborn with Downs Syndrome THAT'S NOT A FAIR QUESTION TO ASK.

-----

If you manage a multi-million dollar nationwide campaign, you are an "empty suit".
If you are a part time mayor of a town of 7000 people, you are an "experienced executive".

------

If you cheated on your first wife with an heiress, you're a Christian.
If you have been married to the same woman with whom you've been wed to for 19 years and raising 2 beautiful daughters with, you're "risky".

-----

If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to "get to know you."
If you're white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know you're "one of us."

-----------

If you're 18, white, and get a 16 year old girl pregnant "life happens."
If you're 18, black, and impregnate a 16 year old girl, you're a "registered sex offender."

-------

If you're a Republican you think women should vote for a female candidate because you share the same biology, regardless of her stand on issues.
If you're a Democrat and you vote for a woman who shares your ideology, you're "playing the gender card."

-----------

If you're Chelsea Clinton, the right-wing press calls you "First dog."
If you're Bristol Palin, the right-wing press calls you "beautiful" and "courageous."

I need receive no more spam...

...for my favorite arrived in my inbox today. It read:

Good afternoon? My tits wait you here.

Thanks.

This and that

Why do small pretzels taste better than normal-sized pretzels? I don't know why, but as far as genus pretzel is concerned, small = good.

I confess I haven't followed much of the GOP convention, because to tell the truth, after eight years of disastrous Republican rule, I'm quite close-minded. Those speeches are going to be more of the tax-cutting, gay-bashing, get-government-off-your-back bullshit you always hear from the elephants, and I've had enough.

I did, however, see a pic of John McCain and Sarah Palin (almost thirty years his junior), standing side by side, and I thought to myself, "Americans aren't really going to elect this pair, are they?" Of course, I asked myself the same thing about Bush/Cheney in 2004 and we all know what happened then.

Dan and I did a bunch of work on the house yesterday, particularly on the finished basement room known (by us, at least) as the "Dan Cave." It's filled with all the things you'd expect to find in a lair of Dan's: books, games, the piano, and, of course, a PC. Once we hang Sendara's lovely "Slouching" print, the Dan Cave will be complete.

Fall League starts next week, on the ill-omened day of 9/11. I'm so excited! (Not about the date, but about the league.) That's one of the things that warms my heart about autumn, along with my birthday, Halloween, and the return of my various vests and jackets, spurned because of summer heat. This year there's also my show and a mid-October trip to the land of Madam George and roses, which I haven't visited since the Republicans were still in control of Congress.

New favorite lyric:

"If love's the truth then look no lies
And let me swim around your eyes
I've found a place I'll never leave
Shut my mouth and just believe
Love is the truth I realize
Not a stream of pretty lies
To use us up and waste our time"

Artist: Lightning Seeds (Ian Broudie)
Song: Pure
Album: Cloudcuckooland

The show, rescheduled!

Once again, I have scheduled my first self-produced comedy show. Self-produced, of course, means that I have to find the venue, promote the thing, find the comedians, set up and break down, and generally wish that someone else would do all the work. So it's not glamorous, but I'm excited to be doing it nonetheless.

Please spread the word...I'm hoping for standing-room only!

P.S. You can click on the image of the flyer to enlarge it for better reading, but just in case the show is Friday, October 10 at 7pm.

Remember my last post?

I just listened to Hillary Clinton's speech at the convention, and I'm left with my original feeling that I wished she and Obama hadn't run in the same year. She did a great job, and she took the time to mention that among the equal rights for which she fought were gay rights. Despite my support for Obama, that's more than Barack has done. She also asked her supporters the thousand-dollar question: Were they in this fight only for her, or for that which she stands?

Go Hillary.

Remember my rule?

The one about me saying whatever the hell I feel like on my own blog? I'm about to invoke it now and complain about those Hillary Clinton supporters who are either voting McCain or staying home on Election Day. If you are one of those, I strongly suggest you stop reading now, because you really won't like what I'm about to say. If you insist on reading further, you are not allowed to get angry with me for reading what I urged you not to read.

(Keep in mind that in this post I'm referring only to those Clinton supporters who call themselves or who could be called PUMAs, which is idiot for "Party Unity My Ass." If you're a Clinton supporter who's not a fool, then you're probably planning to vote for Obama and you're safe to read this post.)

I've spent a good deal of time over the last few months debating PUMAs in online forums, and I am convinced that their objections to Barack Obama as the Democratic nominee are either dumb or disingenuous.

The Dumb

1. Hillary Clinton won the popular vote. (Only when you count the votes in a very selective way. In any case, the Democratic primary is decided on delegates, not popular vote. )
2. Those caucus states shouldn't matter...they're not democratic! (Maybe not, but them's the rules to which all contenders - including Senator Clinton - agreed at the outset.)
3. There was sexism in the race, and that's not fair. (Yeah, and Obama had to deal with racism. Life's tough that way. Deal with it.)

The Disingenuous

1. Hillary won the states Democrats need to win, like Ohio and Florida. (She did...against another Democrat. There is zero evidence that she would have done so against a Republican.)
2. Experience is what matters most. (If that's so, why didn't the PUMAs back McCain from the start?)
3. Obama couldn't close the deal. (I don't even know what that means, but I know it was lifted verbatim from Mark Penn, one of Hillary Clinton's spin doctors.)

It's sad that we won't have a female president in January, yes, but exciting that we might have one who's African-American, but of course the PUMAs can't see that. They're so blinded by rage, bitterness and resentment that they've almost completely lost their grip on reality. They've even begun to tell themselves that John McCain, whose voting record on abortion earned a big zero from NARAL, is some kind of moderate and isn't interested in overturning Roe vs. Wade. That's what we're dealing with here. They've even started to resent Hillary Clinton herself for endorsing Obama and asking them to follow her lead, which proves that their support was never about Hillary Clinton's agenda, policy positions, or qualifications. The PUMAs wanted their way, and now that it's clear they won't get it, they're going to throw the biggest, brattiest tantrum the Democratic Party has ever seen. They're going to do their level best to live up to the stereotype of women as irrational, emotion-ruled weepers who should never have been entrusted with the vote. And here I thought that electing a woman to the Oval Office was about breaking down stereotypes, not justifying them.

In the end, Americans may cast their votes as they wish, and if PUMAs want to waste theirs on some kind of imaginary revenge fantasy...well, no one can stop them. However, when President McCain signs the next abortion restriction or nominates another Scalia or Thomas to SCOTUS, I don't want to hear women's rights PUMAs shriek, because they'll have helped make it happen.

Going too far

All right, I admit I was floored to learn that someone actually got arrested for not returning overdue library books. However, I was even more astonished to hear this little gem from the defendant:

Dalibor paid her $170 fine and was released.

Still, she isn’t planning on returning the books.“I still have the books and I don’t plan to return them because they’re paid for now,” Dalibor said.

Umm...the good people at the Grafton Library have already demonstrated that they're willing to go more than the extra mile to recover the fines they're owed. Does this woman think they'll do less to recover their missing books?

And she votes. Or so I fear.

New favorite lyric:

"We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at Solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
Who call and say, 'Come dance with me'
And murmur vague obscenities
Ugly girls like me
At seventeen"

Artist: Janis Ian (Janis Ian)
Song: At Seventeen
Album: Between the Lines

The house is now sufficiently warmed

Thanks for all who attended, brought/cooked food, gave gifts...it was greatly appreciated. Get ready to come over again because the Halloween bash will be there as well, and by then we should have some painting done and maybe the deck cleaned. Oh, the Halloween bash will be October 25, which is the Saturday before the 31st. I considered holding the party on the day itself, but I wasn't sure how easy people would find it to dash home from work, get into costume, and still have the will to party. Start thinking about your costume!

Courtesy of Babyraven, my Manga self graces this post. Or curses it. Whatever you like. My head is not quite that large in real life, though. Well, I mean it's larger than than the actual image size, but not as large as it is relative to the manga-body.

I have Netflixed the first disc of the Bionic Woman redux, although I've only watched one episode. I'll post about that later when I can offer a more informed opinion.

Fall League '08 approacheth, and I have been asked to join not one but two core teams. (As opposed to simply putting my name in for the draft.) This makes me feel all warm inside while leaving intact my crusty exterior. Like a s'more.

Did you ever have one of those moments...

...where you ask yourself, "What in hell could have brought me to this moment in life?" I'm about to have one of those moments in about forty-five minutes, and it's going to be a doozy. You know, I used to think that bombing on stage would be the most embarrassing thing that could happen to me, but, well...sometimes when you think you've seen to the bottom of the Well of Possible Humiliation, it's useful to be reminded that said well may possibly have no bottom. I'm not going to go into details because 1) I don't want certain persons recognizing themselves here; and 2) I certainly don't want the Internet maintaining a record. I suppose objection #2 is specious as there will be photographic evidence of this moment, but I'd like to control the damage as much as I can. Good thing I don't have much of a reputation to ruin. Ye gods.

Speaking of being on stage, I am working on rescheduling my June show for sometime in mid-to-late September. More details as they solidify.

New favorite lyric:

"He's got his arms around every man's dream
Crumbs in his beard from the seafood special
Oh, can't you see my world is falling apart
Baby, please, leave the biker, leave the biker, break his heart"

Artist: Fountains of Wayne (Chris Collingwood/Adam Schlesinger)
Song: Leave the Biker
Album: Fountains of Wayne

Monday, Monday

That title is my clever segue into saying that I listened to my first ever Mamas and the Papas album, entitled, "If You Can Believe Your Eyes and Ears." I don't usually like music on the first time through, but I liked most of what I heard here on Listen #1. Obviously, Cass Elliot was amazing, but as I discovered Denny Doherty could sing the birds right out of the trees. Good stuff!

Hey, remember Kraft Macaroni & Cheese? I used to like that stuff when the cheese flavoring was the orange powder, but then they changed it to orange goo and it got disgusting. But! I found organic mac & cheese at Whole Foods (yeah, I know that nothing containing orange powder can justifiably be termed "organic"), and it's pretty good. I don't remember the name of the stuff, but the box is adorned with the Rabbit of Approval. Naturally, after eating the food I cut out that section of the cardboard and taped it to my PC at work. What do you do with the Rabbit of Approval?

New favorite lyric:

"Don't get me mad, don't tell no lie
Don't get me sad, just get me high
Baby, what you're holding, half of that belongs to me
'Cause I'm a real straight shooter if you know what I mean"

Artist: The Mamas and the Papas (John Phillips)
Song: Straight Shooter
Album: If You Can Believe Your Eyes and Ears

Stuff I like

To balance the slate, here's is some stuff that makes me smile:

1. Oatmeal chocolate-chip cookies. Too few bakers put these delights together. Sadness.
2. Project Runway. There's judging, fighting and pettiness, and at the end you get to look at clothes. Nope, nothing wrong here.*
3. Bare feet on clean hardwood floors. Only a summer treat for me, unfortunately, as my feet are otherwise always, always too cold to go without socks.
4. Throwing parties. I like to organize. I like to have fun. When those two appreciations have a baby, a party is born. The greatest gift of all.
   
5. Ultimate Frisbee. If I say anything else I'll go on for three paragraphs.
6. Dan. See #6.
7. Sunny, cool autumn days. Perfect for walking or, heh, playing Ultimate.
8. Halloween. The one day when being something you're not is recommended, nay, required.

*This is a reference to a Stephen King book. Who can guess which one?

Stuff I hate

Enough house-talk! Here are some things that really tick me off:

1. Foot-shuffling. Pick up your feet when you walk, please.
2. Lack of turn signals. Signaling the moment you begin the turn is just as bad.
3. Food Nazis. They know the best way to eat, and they know that your way isn't it.
4. Interrupters. These people usually aren't listening to a word you say.
5. Loud talkers. Unlike Trix, inside voice/outside voice isn't just for kids.
   
6. Change on top of bills. If you give me the bills first, the coins slide out of my hand! Bills last! Bills last!

Feel free to comment with some annoyances of your own.

Tomorrow I'll post a few things that make me smile.

You can laugh now...

...because I have become a frequent Ikea customer. When you move into a house with narrow staircases, you welcome furniture you can assemble in the room in which that furniture will serve. I'm not going to start buying chairs or beds there, mind you, but for a dresser I'll cave. I just want to keep my clothes in a drawer and not in a box.

We won't have Internet access at home until this Saturday (at earliest), so if you need to get me urgently it's best to use the phone. Oh, and our house is great at blocking cell phone signals. Right now it's like living on Galactica; not networked, lacking half the necessary stuff and staffed by tired, frazzled people.

Look out for an email invite to the housewarming Saturday, August 16. If you don't get an invite I probably just forgot to add you to the email list...it's not that we don't want to see you. Unless you work for Comcast, in which case I left you off the list because you are a demon from hell.

Oh, and the Mambo guys? They hit the target. Three very different looks, all of them pleasing but not overly so. Nice.

New favorite lyric:

"Ikea, just some oak and some pine and a handful of Norsemen
Ikea, selling furniture for college kids and divorced men
Everyone has a home
But if you don't have a home you can buy one there."

Artist: Jonathan Coulton (Jonathan Coulton)
Song: Ikea
Album : Smoking Monkey

Mother!

Moving is exactly as annoying as I remembered. Dan said that our apartment is now this ever-hungry beast to which we feed empty boxes and bubble wrap without end. And we started packing a month ago! Plus I might be getting a summer cold. Throw in a little waterboarding and tomorrow will be my best day ever.

Mambo is moving us, which means come tomorrow morning we get to see if the movers are too cute (meaning they distract you from your work), sufficiently cute-ish (meaning you can work but with a smile), or just scruffy (always a possibility). You've really gotta hit that target for an optimal move-to-distraction ratio.

New favorite lyric:

OK, I wanted to post the lyrics to "Get An Ugly Girl to Marry You", but I deferred to good taste. That song (by Harry Belafonte and the Coasters) is rabidly sexist but awfully catchy, putting me between the Scylla of political correctness and the Charybdis of I-like-to-sing-this.

And so it begins...

Settlement went off without a hitch, and now we own property. We signed 20 different pieces of paper, which was surprising as we expected to sign more. Not that I'm anxious to sign stuff, but, you know. Our lawyer was there with us, and I felt like one of those mob guys testifying before Congress. Every time a paper was handed to us, we passed it to the attorney and waited for his OK. Then we raced all over, buying this, giving away that, and got a fabulous area rug at Ikea. Their furniture is crap, but their accessories are occasionally worth it, and so it proved today.

Then we went to the new place and cleaned. The previous owners were good decorators but indifferent housekeepers, so there was alot to be done. And still is. By 6:30 we were just too tired so we packed it in.

Look out for invites to the housewarming, which will most likely be August 16. That's pretty soon, yes, but it will force us to get things in order right away.

Tragedy!

I broke my sunglasses last night.

Now, you're saying to yourself, "Umm...that's not really very tragic." Well, listen up, buster. I am fairly light-sensitive, so shades are a near-necessity. I am also extremely picky about sunglasses. Finally, given how often I lose/break sunglasses, I refuse to spend more than $20. A deadly trifecta, indeed! Anyway, I went out at lunch today to find some new ones, and because I didn't have much time I had to settle for this giant, senior-citizen pair I found at Daffy's. So now I look ready for retirement, dammit.

Today's the final walk-through on the house on which Dan and I plan to spend loads of cash. Since just about everything in this process has been as difficult as possible, I fully expect to find locusts in the closets, chalk-lines on the floors, and a Hellmouth in the basement. I can just see us as settlement, "If there had been a chaos demon there last month I am sure the inspector would have noticed it."

I can't think of a durned thing, so no favorite lyric today.

Head spinning...send backup...

I knew house-buying was expensive and complicated, but it's worse than I imagined. You have to do ten million things: sign agreements, get insurance (title and homeowners'), turn on/off utilities, forward mail, pack, and collect enough paper to choke Godzilla. The kicker is that you have to do it all at once. Couple that with the shopping we're doing for necessary (and less-necessary items) and we are quite run ragged.

Still, it's pretty exciting. I am looking forward to a gas stove with four burners that have settings other than off and death. To windows that don't admit every fly in Center City. To a washer that holds more than three socks and a headband* at a time. Oh, and of course to writing off the money we spend monthly on our abode. Ha-cha!

Hey, there is now a second Web site with crazy women who think of me as a chauvinistic homophobe! Some hysterical Hillary Clinton supporters have gotten together to bitch about Barack Obama and convince themselves that John McCain is A-OK on liberal issues. They are doing their best to perpetuate the stereotype of the emotion-governed, irrational woman.

New favorite lyric:

"Alot of folks just shook their heads
Convinced that I'd lost mine
They said, 'Living in a goddamn truck
Is just a waste of time
And to spend your life behind the wheel
Ain't as great as it might seem'
I just thanked them all and left one night
In the Kenworth of my dreams"

Artist: Richard Shindell (Richard Shindell)
Song: Kenworth of My Dreams
Album: Sparrows Point

Family matters

Members of my family have been up to stuff.

First, my mom (who has no blog or live journal that I know of) had a quilt of her own making featured in a show last weekend. The quilt and its crafter are shown above.

Second, brother Ultimate Sean and spouse Shushanna cut a major rug, Middle-Eastern style, at Spring Caravan 2008. Check it out!

I need at least one mama and one papa

I've been neglecting my music exposure this last year, so now I have decided to get my groove back and expose myself to new sounds. I've been listening to WXPN for new sounds, but then it occurred to me that perhaps I should look back as well. For whatever reason, I thought of the Mamas and the Papas, and particularly of this great song Mama Cass sang in the film "Pufnstuf." This film, which I have not seen in years, is as I recall really trippy. Whoa. But I liked the song so much I am including the entire thing as today's favorite lyric. That's one of the benefits of being an adult, you know.

But I digress. Can anyone recommend a specific M&P album that seems a good place to start? Leave a comment, please.

New favorite lyric:

"When I was smaller, and people were taller
I realized that I was different
I had a power that set me apart
I learned to take it, to use it, to make it
It's not so bad to be different, to do your own thing
And do it with heart

Different is hard, different is lonely
Different is trouble, for you only
Different is heartache, different is pain
But I'd rather be different than be the same

At first I'd wonder, what hex I was under
What did I do to be so different?
Then I discovered some others like me
Wonder no longer, together we're stronger
It's not so bad to be different, be true to yourself
That's what you must be

Different is hard, different is lonely
Different is trouble for you only
Different is heartache, different is pain
But I'd rather be different than be the same"

Artist: Cass Elliot (author unknown)
Song: Different
Album: Soundtrack of "PufnStuf"

I'm just going to say it...

Although the deal has fallen through twice and came to the brink a third time, I may as well say it; Dan and I are buying a house. I suppose I shouldn't list here the exact address, but it's in Bella Vista, which is fancy-talk for that part of South Philadelphia just south of South. Just four blocks, actually, so we'll still be super-convenient to Center City without paying $500,000 for 750 square feet. We should move in mid-to-late July, and there will indeed be a housewarming shortly after, so everyone will have a chance to see it.

Despite my strong support of Barack Obama for president, I have to say that I felt a pang when Hillary Clinton bowed out of the race. I've always liked her as a candidate, even if I didn't always like the way she campaigned, and to tell the truth I harbored a secret fantasy of watching with glee the apoplexy on Redstate.com when President Hillary took office. Another year, perhaps.

I didn't forget

Happy birthday, Star. Wherever you are, I hope turning 35 is easier there than it is here.

New favorite lyric:

"And it seems to me that something good
Is coming if you think it could
And I don't know where and I don't know how
But I put my head into the clouds
It's beautiful
Life is"

Artist: Amy Correia (Amy Correia)
Song: Life is Beautiful
Album: Carnival Love

On the runway...

…and ready for takeoff! Yes, I Netflixed Season 3 of "Project Runway", and so far I am having a blast. The passive-aggressive criticism! The egos! The snide put-downs! And after all that, you get to look at clothes. The only thing that could make it better is if Netflix shipped chocolate to my door along with the DVD. When I got the DVD, the following conversation ensued:

Me: Look, I got Project Runway Season 3!

Dan: Why didn't you get Season 4?

Me: Well, we've already seen about a third of that season, and we know who won.

Dan: Then why didn't you get Season 1?

Me: Well…because…shut up!

The problem was educating him.

The Democratic primary is finally over, hurray, although not without a surfeit of drama, accusations of stealing the nomination, etc. This will probably get me in trouble, but something has struck me about these fanatical Hillary supporters who have pledged to vote McCain in the fall because they're mad that their gal lost. Aren't they living right up to the stereotype of the irrational woman who makes decisions not rationally but emotionally? That's not to say that all Clinton supporters, male and female, feel that way, nor that support for her candidacy was in itself irrational. However, acting as if the nomination was hers by right is irrational. The nomination goes to the guy/gal who gets the delegates, and that's Obama. Now it's time for liberals to come together and support the candidate more likely to advance our agenda, and that's not John McCain.

However, for those who feel as though a spite vote is worth another four years of Republican rule, keep this in mind. When John McCain invades Iran, or supports oil dependence, or nominates another Alito or Scalia to the Supreme Court, thank yourself, for you'll have played a part.

Best birthday wishes to Babyraven and VisMajor, who get one year better this month.

New favorite lyric:

"It's in the deep of your soul, it's on the tip of your tongue
It's in the feeling you get when you feel young
It's in the sound of the beat, it's in the base of your spine
It's in your gut reaction every time
They tell you what you should have
They tell you who you should be
It's in the TV and ads and in the magazines
I'm kicking it off like a bug in the breeze
'Cause is anyone out there inside me?"

Artist: Heather Nova (Heather Nova)
Song: Virus of the Mind
Album: South

Show #3

I have posted video evidence of my performance at the MS fundraiser. Enjoy!

By the way, the headliner, Sheila Kay, was quite good. Even Dan was cracked up, which isn't something that happens easily. Check her out.

So I'm playing tomorrow night...

...at the Comedy Cabaret for an MS fundraiser, and I wondered if their Web site had yet been updated. Oh, it had, and in a really funny way. All the other comedians on the ticket had these great superlatives: Local favorite! Relentless! Absurdist comedy! What did I get? Newcomer! I guess I should be grateful it wasn't We're pretty sure he doesn't suck too badly!

Yeah, this is what sweating out their open mics with comedians who tell jokes about fat women gets you. Argh.

New favorite lyric:

Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
But will you love me tomorrow?

Artist: The Shirelles (Gerry Goffin/Carole King*)
Song: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow
Album: Tonight's the Night


*Who knew Carole King wrote this?

A sense of foreboding...

...is what I don't feel. I have a few big things to announce, but I'll do it in a few days so watch this site. I dare not say anything now, for fear of jinxing.

I can say, however, that I have found on the Hedwig and the Angry Inch official site a little gizmo that figures out your glam-rock name. Try it. Mine is Lunar Mission.

And now, a few bits of advice.

Hillary Clinton: Get out of the race. Today. You're just screwing things up for us in November, and making yourself look like a harpy in the process.

Plantar fasciitis: Ha! Your annoying annoyingness is no match for my new exercises. Like Hillary, you're hanging on by a fingernail.

Sugar-coated almonds: Keep up the good work.

Dogs in the dog park on Rodman Street: Continue to vex your masters with spirited, rambunctious antics. Your day comes. Oh yes.

Chicken salad from Reading Terminal: Also keep up the good work.

Readers of this blog: Enjoy the long weekend!

The next gig

The Night of Comedy

(Benefits the Multiple Schlerosis Challenge Walk)

Date: Friday, May 30, 2008
Time: 8:30pm
Location: Comedy Cabaret at the Travelodge (11580 Roosevelt Blvd.)
Admission: $20 plus 2 beverage minimum
Information: Contact Mike Viola (MichaelLViola@verizon.net)

Probably a bit expensive for those who are only interested in seeing me, but if the cause is close to your heart, please do attend!

Now here's a performer

Before you read any further, check out this YouTube video of Carol Burnett and company. But don't read the rest of this post until you do. Go ahead. I'll wait.
.
.
.
I am simply blown away by this. Instead of losing her cool and looking foolish, Burnett gets the audience to laugh with her, not at her. The woman is standing on stage, before who-knows-how-many people, with her skirt around her ankles, and yet she keeps her dignity. I aspire to the day when I can be half as funny when I look only one-tenth as foolish.

One other thing. Plantar fasciitis should burn in hell. A really hot one.

New favorite lyric:

"If I had a jetpack I'd bust into your door
And take you by the hand to the Jersey shore
And underneath the moonlight you'd want me even more
'Cause I'd have a jetpack"

Artist: Jill Sobule (Jill Sobule/Robin Eaton)
Song: Jetpack
Album: Underdog Victorious

A Friday wrap-up

The other day, whilst waiting for an appointment, I read in Entertainment Weekly that in March Boy George pleaded not guilty to wrongful imprisonment. Apparently, he chained a male model to a wall in his house. (I Googled for the news item but couldn't find it; if you do, please send it to me. I must have it.) What struck me was that the charge was "wrongful imprisonment." Is there a rightful imprisonment? I can just see Boy George defending himself: "Your Honor, there was a smashingly good reason why I had to chain that gorgeous boy to a wall in my conservatory." For the record, if I'm going to chain anyone to a wall in my home, I'll damn well collect rent. Nobody gets a free ride with me.**

I saw a company name today: Campus Zeus. I don't know exactly what this company offers, but if it's consistent with mythology, the service will smite students' enemies with lightning and sleep around on them.

I was playing Galactic Civilizations II the other night, and I came into a moral quandry. You see, I was busily engaged in pounding the sand out of the evil Dominion of Korx, which had been rampaging across the galaxy…until, of course, I got with the sand-pounding. Anyway, just as I drew within range of their home world, the civilization made a great societal shift to a philosophy that valued freedom, charity, and altruism. I cast about for ways to justify attacking a (now) good and peaceful race, and I was having a really tough time until I remembered that my civilization was based on the philosophy of neutrality. How many gold dragons, I wonder, have come to an untimely end through such reasoning?

**Don't all jump up to comment, "That's not what I heard!"

New favorite lyric:

"My sex change operation got botched
My guardian angel fell asleep on the watch
Now all I got is a Barbie-doll crotch
I got an angry inch."

Artist: John Cameron Mitchell (Stephen Trask)
Song: Angry Inch
Album: Hedwig and the Angry Inch (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)

Lie down with dogs...

...get up with cheesy 80's shlock. Check out what comes up on YouTube as a related video to my Fergie's set.

This makes me really, really happy.

Hey, does anyone know where I can get a blasted "Obama for President" button? I live around the corner from Whole Foods, for cryin' out loud, and I can't get my hands on one. I'm not sure just how much more liberal I have to be.

New favorite lyric:

"It's nice to be liked, but it's better by far to get paid
I know that most of the friends that I have
Don't really see it that way
But if you could give 'em each one wish
How much do you want to bet?
They'd wish success for themselves and their friends
And that would include lots of money"

Artist: Liz Phair
Song: Shitloads of Money
Album: Whitechocolatespaceegg

Just like being a real comedian!

It was quite the comedy weekend…two shows in two days. These shows marked a few other firsts: my first stage foray without a cheat sheet, and my first paying gig. I figured that if I am good enough to get paid I'm good enough to play without a net, and so I did.

Saturday was a bar (always a flashing neon danger sign of red) in Pottstown, but the crowd was pretty receptive to my shtick and I got a number of nice compliments from audience members at evening's end. (I was also lucky enough to go on first, and get them before they'd had too much to drink.) I also got adopted by some bar folks for some reason I can't quite fathom. They cheered me on lustily, if drunkenly, and at one point almost interrupted the emcee with demands to, "Bring on Neil!" Would that I had them at every show!

Sunday's show was less fun. The room was crowded and kinda stuffy, and the crowd was challenging. Although they laughed at some things, they were dead silent at others, and never really seemed to warm to me. Even the headliner had some difficulty, although not as much as I did. Also, there were unexpected small children there, which forced me to G-rate my set at the last minute. Still, a paying gig is a paying gig, so I got through. Oh, and I have to mention that in the front row was a woman who could not have been more delighted to be there. She was convulsed with laughter, literally pounding the table and wiping away tears. Someone else I wish I had at every show.

It was kind of funny. I was more nervous about Saturday's show than Sunday's, and yet I think I did better Saturday. However, videos of both nights will be available once I figure out how to use the video editing software on Dan's Mac, so you can judge for yourself.**

New favorite lyric:

"I can bring whole cities to ruin
And still have time to get a soft shoe in
Something's cooking, I'm at the griddle
I bought Nero his very first fiddle."

Artist: Hinton Battle (Joss Whedon)
Song: What You Feel
Album: Once More With Feeling (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

**The video for the Sunday show is now on YouTube, in two parts.

Oh. My. Gosh.

As some of you know, I have been reading the TSA's blog, which in my view is really just a PR tool for an agency that makes its living by keeping Americans afraid, obedient, and compliant to authority. If you read the blog, make sure to check out the comments, which are far more interesting than the propaganda the TSOs post.

Anyway, yesterday one of the bloggers posted that the percentage of flights that contain one or more air marshals numbered "in the double digits." Evidently, that information is a premium super-duper top TSA secret, because a mere 24 hours later the following appeared:

Yesterday I mistakenly wrote and subsequently reiterated last night in a comment that the percent of flights covered by air marshals is in the “double digits.” Frankly, this was a result of my haste to provide information and to get the truth out quickly about our federal air marshal program. It is simply not appropriate to discuss percentage of flights covered.

So...he wrote it, repeated it, says he was mistaken, but then says he should never have given out that information (which was mistaken). So, was the figure he quoted right or wrong? If it was wrong, then he could have just said, "Hey, that figure I quoted was wrong, and I am not allowed to state the real one." If it was right, this half-assed denial is convincing nobody. My goodness, man...if you're going to try to sleaze your way out of a screw-up, make your lies plausible, or at least consistent.

This is why people don't trust the TSA; the agency appears incompetent at best, or dishonest at worst.

Something that's been bugging me...

I've been following the Democratic presidential primary fairly closely, and naturally I have heard the Clinton vs. Obama, experience vs. judgment debate. However, something puzzles me. Clinton has been going around saying how important experience is, but should she win the nomination, how will she square that against John McCain's greater experience? I mean, the man has been in the Senate since the last Ice Age, so she can hardly claim seniority. Will she then turn around and say, "Well, experience matters but so does judgment"? Isn't that what Obama is already saying?

Besides, all this experience is well and good, but without good judgment experience can equal little more than marking time. I am sure we've all worked with people who possess superior seniority but zero aptitude. (Not that I'm accusing Clinton of that; I actually think she's fairly effective at what she does.) Besides, George Bush has plenty of presidential experience, but do we really want to give him another try?

New favorite lyric:

"The humans are dead
The humans are dead
We used poisonous gases
And we poisoned their asses"

Artist: Flight of the Conchords
Song: Robots
Album: The Distant Future

Just finished watching "Dexter" Season One

...and I have only one thing to say.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!

No.

No.

No!

New favorite lyric:

"Creators of Dexter Season One
Why did you come up with the worst possible ending imaginable?
Did you mean to make me pound things with my fists
And scream like Gollum?"

Artist: TrackerNeil (TrackerNeil)
Song: Why Does Dexter Hurt?
Album: The First Time I Turned Thirty

You never know what you'll find...

...when you Google yourself. (Cue PinkHairedGirl: "Dirty!") When you Google my name, the first hit you get is for an actor who appeared in such cinematic classics as, "The American Experience", "The Able's House is Green", and my personal favorite, "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator." In that last one I apparently played "The Cyclist", although I would much rather have been credited with "Bad Tempered Man." Phil Vincent beat me out, though. Bastard.

I am one of the openers in a show in Pottstown Saturday, April 5. I am certain I left out a zillion people on my email announcement, so give a shout if you're interested in attending and I'll send you the details. I'm only on stage seven minutes, but I'm certain that the other nine comics are at least as good if not better.

TSA = Totally Stupid Actions

Really good NYT opinion piece about Security Theater at the airport. A few months old, but IMO still relevant.

Speaking of useless things, the Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) now has a blog in which you can post comments if a) you feel as though doing so won't put you on the no-fly list; and b) you think they'll bother to post them (it's a moderated blog). When I first browsed to the blog I expected the whole thing to be little more than a PR stunt designed to make the TSA seem concerned and responsive. My expectations were fully confirmed. The TSA bloggers rarely directly address questions, and when they do their answers are usually transparently nonsensical, but I have fun reading the often extremely intelligent criticisms of those whose comments are occasionally allowed to appear.

If you visit the blog, note how often the TSA bloggers will answer criticisms that they are rude and power-tripping by either typing their responses ALL IN CAPS or by saying, "Flying's not a right. If you don't like it, don't fly. Tough cookies." Who says there's no truth in advertising?

New favorite lyric:

"If I were a weapon you said I'd be a gun
Lethal at close range I guess with silencer and stun
I feel more like a needle always pulling on the thread
Always making the same point again and wondering
If you heard what I just said"

Artist: Suzanne Vega (Suzanne Vega)
Song: If I Were a Weapon
Album: Songs in Red and Gray

Take that!

Yet another study that shows that cell phone use on the road is a really, really bad idea.

Hang up and drive, folks.

This just in...

I don't want to announce specifics until I have confirmation, but I am pretty sure I will be performing in not one but two comedy shows in early April. I think I am getting paid for one, too, which means that for at least one weekend I can pretend I am a professional comedian. That means I can start writing off stuff on my taxes next year as business expenses, too, although I wonder if you can itemize "fear that I will alienate the audience."

Hillary Clinton just won't let up, will she? Don't get me wrong, I like her well enough and always have, but every person has a limit and this year she's just about hit hers. Obama's ahead of her and unless she does better in the upcoming states than she's done in any of the previous, she'll go to the convention in second place. Better if she just recognizes reality and steps aside. Argh.

New favorite lyric:

"And sometimes one place wants to slip into the other just to see
What it's like to trade its demons for the restless ghost of Mrs. Ogilvey
She used to pick the mint from her front yard to dress the Sunday pork
Sometimes southern California wants to be western New York"

Artist: Dar Williams (Dar Williams)
Song: Southern California Wants to Be Western New York
Album: Mortal City

Looky looky!

Here's a sister doing it for himself. Looks like my next stop is the Pennsylvania General Assembly!

As much as I detest Ralph Nader for his newest attempts to enthrone a Republican president, I can't fault his veep choice. Matt Gonzalez is a cutie, and I'm still disappointed that he lost his San Francisco mayoral bid to Gavin Newsome. Not because of their politics so much as the fact that Newsome's not as attractive. And he looks a little plastic. (Yes, I am evaluating politicians based on their looks. I certainly can't use their integrity.)

New favorite lyric:

"And then you're someone you are not
And Junction City ain't the spot
Remember Mrs. Lott and when she turned around
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise of this wicked little town"

Artist: John Cameron Mitchell (Stephen Trask)
Song: Wicked Little Town
Album: Soundtrack: Hedwig and the Angry Inch