Friday, October 30, 2009

Stuff I have seen

Amazing dexterity! I was at the hardware store yesterday, inquiring about a replacement light of those ring-shaped ones. As the not-unattractive young man who was assisting me took one box from the rack, two others fell in rapid succession, and he caught them - BAM! BAM! - with one hand. My reaction: Damn.

Unmitigated gall!
Dan and I were at a Chinese restaurant not far from another pair of diners, one of whom was loud and rude. Dan whispered to me, "I haven't even seen him and I know he's in sales." As we were paying the bill and getting ready to leave, the suspected salesman starts up a shockingly racist imitation of Chinese people, in the same loud tone of voice that I am sure the staff heard. My reaction: Douchebag!

Fashion flogging! During my normal morning walk, I pass a drycleaning shop that always features a lovely wedding gown, on a dressform, in the window. This morning that dress (and its form) were on the sidewalk, being beaten with a flyswatter wielded by a man I assume was the owner. He was no doubt beating out dust, but in my head I kept hearing, "Bad bride! Bad, bad bride!" My reaction: Hit harder!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Biscuits 'n chocolate 'n feelin' good

Right now I am eating biscuits and chasing them with chocolate, because I saved up the calories all day and I am damn well going to spend them before bed. I am also rewarding myself for a pretty decent performance at a seriously dive bar in Norristown tonight. About half the crowd wasn't paying attention, but of those that were, I totally got good laughs. I even got heckled by this woman who looked alarmingly like a frog**, so I followed the advice of Zen and the Art of Stand-Up Comedy and gave her the attention she seemed to want, and she was satisfied and hopped back on her lillypad. And once again the Yoo-hoo joked worked like a charm. Sweet.

Oh, and a big thanks to Rosemary for her thoughtful birthday gift of Antony Beevo's Stalingrad, which details what might well be the most brutal battle of WWII. The more I learn about Stalin's regime, the more I think it might have been better if the Allies had waited until after the Soviets were defeated to cream Hitler.

**Yes, I am making fun of an audience member on my blog. Those who heckle comedians are bad and wrong and I reserve the right to say they look like frogs. So there.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Overheard at City Hall

As I walked by City Hall this morning, I saw a confused-looking man hailing a well-dressed man. The conversation:

Confused man: Hey, do you know the way to -

Well-dressed man: Sir, I am an Englishman just set foot in Philadelphia. I don't know the way to doodleysquat.

Next time someone asks me for directions in London, I am saying the same thing, except I won't claim to be an Englishman. That works better in the States

Monday, October 19, 2009


Busy autumn!

Friday 10/22: Francescas at 1003 E Main St in Norristown, PA. 8:30pm, admission is free

Friday, 11/13: Humor in the Hardbacks at the William Way Community Center at 1315 Spruce Street in Phila, PA. 7:30 pm, admission is $15 or whatever you can pay. (It's a fundraiser for Giovanni's Room.) Learn more at Kelli Dunham's LJ.

Friday, 11/20: Comedy Cabaret in NE Philadelphia. Shows usually start around 8:30, admission is usually around $15. I have a 20-minute set on this one so if you've been waiting to see me perform this is a good one to attend.

Friday, October 09, 2009

A nice little smatter of publicity

Josh Middleton, blogging for Philadelphia City Paper, comes through. Now I just can't f*ck it up.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Things I Saw Today

I saw some neat things today that I thought I would share.

- A man on 12th Street who was leaving a newspaper on every doorstep. He had the papers at one hand, the plastic bags at the other, and he bagged and dropped these papers with machinelike rapidity. I couldn't look away.

- Two people were walking dogs, one large and white and the other small and fluffy. (The dogs, not the walkers.) They allowed their dogs to mingle, and the larger dog was clearly intimidated by the smaller dog. Neat.

- Dozens of boxes of useless paper that will be stored (at cost) for seven years, never recalled, and finally destroyed.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Why, Thalia?

I found out that Thalia is the muse of comedy, and she's been a naughty gal lately. Last night I dedicated two hours to writing material - set aside the time, stayed in, closeted myself in the spare bedroom with the door shut - and Thalia never put in an appearance. This morning as I was on my way to work she pulled up in a blaze of trumpets and started dictating, so I had to rush to the mostly empty offices of WolfBlock LLP and find a pen to write it all down before I forgot it. (I don't usually forget the jokes I write, but given how fickle Thalia's been of late I was taking no chances.) I probably shouldn't complain; usually that muse visits me at 3:30 in the morning, waking me up from a sound sleep to tell me that, yes, masturbating muppets can indeed be funny and relevant to presidential debates.

BTW, finding a pen at WolfBlock LLP has become increasingly difficult of late. Most of those things, along with sundry supplies and office furniture, has been sold to Thalia-knows-who, but I have managed to scavenge a few choice items. I just got my mitts on a CPU, given freely by the firm's dwindling IT staff, which Dan will hook up to the TV. We already have the wireless keyboard and mouse, so that means I can play Galactic Civilizations II from my sofa, bitches!