Stuff I like

To balance the slate, here's is some stuff that makes me smile:

1. Oatmeal chocolate-chip cookies. Too few bakers put these delights together. Sadness.
2. Project Runway. There's judging, fighting and pettiness, and at the end you get to look at clothes. Nope, nothing wrong here.*
3. Bare feet on clean hardwood floors. Only a summer treat for me, unfortunately, as my feet are otherwise always, always too cold to go without socks.
4. Throwing parties. I like to organize. I like to have fun. When those two appreciations have a baby, a party is born. The greatest gift of all.
   
5. Ultimate Frisbee. If I say anything else I'll go on for three paragraphs.
6. Dan. See #6.
7. Sunny, cool autumn days. Perfect for walking or, heh, playing Ultimate.
8. Halloween. The one day when being something you're not is recommended, nay, required.

*This is a reference to a Stephen King book. Who can guess which one?

Stuff I hate

Enough house-talk! Here are some things that really tick me off:

1. Foot-shuffling. Pick up your feet when you walk, please.
2. Lack of turn signals. Signaling the moment you begin the turn is just as bad.
3. Food Nazis. They know the best way to eat, and they know that your way isn't it.
4. Interrupters. These people usually aren't listening to a word you say.
5. Loud talkers. Unlike Trix, inside voice/outside voice isn't just for kids.
   
6. Change on top of bills. If you give me the bills first, the coins slide out of my hand! Bills last! Bills last!

Feel free to comment with some annoyances of your own.

Tomorrow I'll post a few things that make me smile.

You can laugh now...

...because I have become a frequent Ikea customer. When you move into a house with narrow staircases, you welcome furniture you can assemble in the room in which that furniture will serve. I'm not going to start buying chairs or beds there, mind you, but for a dresser I'll cave. I just want to keep my clothes in a drawer and not in a box.

We won't have Internet access at home until this Saturday (at earliest), so if you need to get me urgently it's best to use the phone. Oh, and our house is great at blocking cell phone signals. Right now it's like living on Galactica; not networked, lacking half the necessary stuff and staffed by tired, frazzled people.

Look out for an email invite to the housewarming Saturday, August 16. If you don't get an invite I probably just forgot to add you to the email list...it's not that we don't want to see you. Unless you work for Comcast, in which case I left you off the list because you are a demon from hell.

Oh, and the Mambo guys? They hit the target. Three very different looks, all of them pleasing but not overly so. Nice.

New favorite lyric:

"Ikea, just some oak and some pine and a handful of Norsemen
Ikea, selling furniture for college kids and divorced men
Everyone has a home
But if you don't have a home you can buy one there."

Artist: Jonathan Coulton (Jonathan Coulton)
Song: Ikea
Album : Smoking Monkey

Mother!

Moving is exactly as annoying as I remembered. Dan said that our apartment is now this ever-hungry beast to which we feed empty boxes and bubble wrap without end. And we started packing a month ago! Plus I might be getting a summer cold. Throw in a little waterboarding and tomorrow will be my best day ever.

Mambo is moving us, which means come tomorrow morning we get to see if the movers are too cute (meaning they distract you from your work), sufficiently cute-ish (meaning you can work but with a smile), or just scruffy (always a possibility). You've really gotta hit that target for an optimal move-to-distraction ratio.

New favorite lyric:

OK, I wanted to post the lyrics to "Get An Ugly Girl to Marry You", but I deferred to good taste. That song (by Harry Belafonte and the Coasters) is rabidly sexist but awfully catchy, putting me between the Scylla of political correctness and the Charybdis of I-like-to-sing-this.

And so it begins...

Settlement went off without a hitch, and now we own property. We signed 20 different pieces of paper, which was surprising as we expected to sign more. Not that I'm anxious to sign stuff, but, you know. Our lawyer was there with us, and I felt like one of those mob guys testifying before Congress. Every time a paper was handed to us, we passed it to the attorney and waited for his OK. Then we raced all over, buying this, giving away that, and got a fabulous area rug at Ikea. Their furniture is crap, but their accessories are occasionally worth it, and so it proved today.

Then we went to the new place and cleaned. The previous owners were good decorators but indifferent housekeepers, so there was alot to be done. And still is. By 6:30 we were just too tired so we packed it in.

Look out for invites to the housewarming, which will most likely be August 16. That's pretty soon, yes, but it will force us to get things in order right away.

Tragedy!

I broke my sunglasses last night.

Now, you're saying to yourself, "Umm...that's not really very tragic." Well, listen up, buster. I am fairly light-sensitive, so shades are a near-necessity. I am also extremely picky about sunglasses. Finally, given how often I lose/break sunglasses, I refuse to spend more than $20. A deadly trifecta, indeed! Anyway, I went out at lunch today to find some new ones, and because I didn't have much time I had to settle for this giant, senior-citizen pair I found at Daffy's. So now I look ready for retirement, dammit.

Today's the final walk-through on the house on which Dan and I plan to spend loads of cash. Since just about everything in this process has been as difficult as possible, I fully expect to find locusts in the closets, chalk-lines on the floors, and a Hellmouth in the basement. I can just see us as settlement, "If there had been a chaos demon there last month I am sure the inspector would have noticed it."

I can't think of a durned thing, so no favorite lyric today.

Head spinning...send backup...

I knew house-buying was expensive and complicated, but it's worse than I imagined. You have to do ten million things: sign agreements, get insurance (title and homeowners'), turn on/off utilities, forward mail, pack, and collect enough paper to choke Godzilla. The kicker is that you have to do it all at once. Couple that with the shopping we're doing for necessary (and less-necessary items) and we are quite run ragged.

Still, it's pretty exciting. I am looking forward to a gas stove with four burners that have settings other than off and death. To windows that don't admit every fly in Center City. To a washer that holds more than three socks and a headband* at a time. Oh, and of course to writing off the money we spend monthly on our abode. Ha-cha!

Hey, there is now a second Web site with crazy women who think of me as a chauvinistic homophobe! Some hysterical Hillary Clinton supporters have gotten together to bitch about Barack Obama and convince themselves that John McCain is A-OK on liberal issues. They are doing their best to perpetuate the stereotype of the emotion-governed, irrational woman.

New favorite lyric:

"Alot of folks just shook their heads
Convinced that I'd lost mine
They said, 'Living in a goddamn truck
Is just a waste of time
And to spend your life behind the wheel
Ain't as great as it might seem'
I just thanked them all and left one night
In the Kenworth of my dreams"

Artist: Richard Shindell (Richard Shindell)
Song: Kenworth of My Dreams
Album: Sparrows Point

Family matters

Members of my family have been up to stuff.

First, my mom (who has no blog or live journal that I know of) had a quilt of her own making featured in a show last weekend. The quilt and its crafter are shown above.

Second, brother Ultimate Sean and spouse Shushanna cut a major rug, Middle-Eastern style, at Spring Caravan 2008. Check it out!

I need at least one mama and one papa

I've been neglecting my music exposure this last year, so now I have decided to get my groove back and expose myself to new sounds. I've been listening to WXPN for new sounds, but then it occurred to me that perhaps I should look back as well. For whatever reason, I thought of the Mamas and the Papas, and particularly of this great song Mama Cass sang in the film "Pufnstuf." This film, which I have not seen in years, is as I recall really trippy. Whoa. But I liked the song so much I am including the entire thing as today's favorite lyric. That's one of the benefits of being an adult, you know.

But I digress. Can anyone recommend a specific M&P album that seems a good place to start? Leave a comment, please.

New favorite lyric:

"When I was smaller, and people were taller
I realized that I was different
I had a power that set me apart
I learned to take it, to use it, to make it
It's not so bad to be different, to do your own thing
And do it with heart

Different is hard, different is lonely
Different is trouble, for you only
Different is heartache, different is pain
But I'd rather be different than be the same

At first I'd wonder, what hex I was under
What did I do to be so different?
Then I discovered some others like me
Wonder no longer, together we're stronger
It's not so bad to be different, be true to yourself
That's what you must be

Different is hard, different is lonely
Different is trouble for you only
Different is heartache, different is pain
But I'd rather be different than be the same"

Artist: Cass Elliot (author unknown)
Song: Different
Album: Soundtrack of "PufnStuf"

I'm just going to say it...

Although the deal has fallen through twice and came to the brink a third time, I may as well say it; Dan and I are buying a house. I suppose I shouldn't list here the exact address, but it's in Bella Vista, which is fancy-talk for that part of South Philadelphia just south of South. Just four blocks, actually, so we'll still be super-convenient to Center City without paying $500,000 for 750 square feet. We should move in mid-to-late July, and there will indeed be a housewarming shortly after, so everyone will have a chance to see it.

Despite my strong support of Barack Obama for president, I have to say that I felt a pang when Hillary Clinton bowed out of the race. I've always liked her as a candidate, even if I didn't always like the way she campaigned, and to tell the truth I harbored a secret fantasy of watching with glee the apoplexy on Redstate.com when President Hillary took office. Another year, perhaps.

I didn't forget

Happy birthday, Star. Wherever you are, I hope turning 35 is easier there than it is here.

New favorite lyric:

"And it seems to me that something good
Is coming if you think it could
And I don't know where and I don't know how
But I put my head into the clouds
It's beautiful
Life is"

Artist: Amy Correia (Amy Correia)
Song: Life is Beautiful
Album: Carnival Love

On the runway...

…and ready for takeoff! Yes, I Netflixed Season 3 of "Project Runway", and so far I am having a blast. The passive-aggressive criticism! The egos! The snide put-downs! And after all that, you get to look at clothes. The only thing that could make it better is if Netflix shipped chocolate to my door along with the DVD. When I got the DVD, the following conversation ensued:

Me: Look, I got Project Runway Season 3!

Dan: Why didn't you get Season 4?

Me: Well, we've already seen about a third of that season, and we know who won.

Dan: Then why didn't you get Season 1?

Me: Well…because…shut up!

The problem was educating him.

The Democratic primary is finally over, hurray, although not without a surfeit of drama, accusations of stealing the nomination, etc. This will probably get me in trouble, but something has struck me about these fanatical Hillary supporters who have pledged to vote McCain in the fall because they're mad that their gal lost. Aren't they living right up to the stereotype of the irrational woman who makes decisions not rationally but emotionally? That's not to say that all Clinton supporters, male and female, feel that way, nor that support for her candidacy was in itself irrational. However, acting as if the nomination was hers by right is irrational. The nomination goes to the guy/gal who gets the delegates, and that's Obama. Now it's time for liberals to come together and support the candidate more likely to advance our agenda, and that's not John McCain.

However, for those who feel as though a spite vote is worth another four years of Republican rule, keep this in mind. When John McCain invades Iran, or supports oil dependence, or nominates another Alito or Scalia to the Supreme Court, thank yourself, for you'll have played a part.

Best birthday wishes to Babyraven and VisMajor, who get one year better this month.

New favorite lyric:

"It's in the deep of your soul, it's on the tip of your tongue
It's in the feeling you get when you feel young
It's in the sound of the beat, it's in the base of your spine
It's in your gut reaction every time
They tell you what you should have
They tell you who you should be
It's in the TV and ads and in the magazines
I'm kicking it off like a bug in the breeze
'Cause is anyone out there inside me?"

Artist: Heather Nova (Heather Nova)
Song: Virus of the Mind
Album: South

Show #3

I have posted video evidence of my performance at the MS fundraiser. Enjoy!

By the way, the headliner, Sheila Kay, was quite good. Even Dan was cracked up, which isn't something that happens easily. Check her out.

So I'm playing tomorrow night...

...at the Comedy Cabaret for an MS fundraiser, and I wondered if their Web site had yet been updated. Oh, it had, and in a really funny way. All the other comedians on the ticket had these great superlatives: Local favorite! Relentless! Absurdist comedy! What did I get? Newcomer! I guess I should be grateful it wasn't We're pretty sure he doesn't suck too badly!

Yeah, this is what sweating out their open mics with comedians who tell jokes about fat women gets you. Argh.

New favorite lyric:

Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
But will you love me tomorrow?

Artist: The Shirelles (Gerry Goffin/Carole King*)
Song: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow
Album: Tonight's the Night


*Who knew Carole King wrote this?

A sense of foreboding...

...is what I don't feel. I have a few big things to announce, but I'll do it in a few days so watch this site. I dare not say anything now, for fear of jinxing.

I can say, however, that I have found on the Hedwig and the Angry Inch official site a little gizmo that figures out your glam-rock name. Try it. Mine is Lunar Mission.

And now, a few bits of advice.

Hillary Clinton: Get out of the race. Today. You're just screwing things up for us in November, and making yourself look like a harpy in the process.

Plantar fasciitis: Ha! Your annoying annoyingness is no match for my new exercises. Like Hillary, you're hanging on by a fingernail.

Sugar-coated almonds: Keep up the good work.

Dogs in the dog park on Rodman Street: Continue to vex your masters with spirited, rambunctious antics. Your day comes. Oh yes.

Chicken salad from Reading Terminal: Also keep up the good work.

Readers of this blog: Enjoy the long weekend!

The next gig

The Night of Comedy

(Benefits the Multiple Schlerosis Challenge Walk)

Date: Friday, May 30, 2008
Time: 8:30pm
Location: Comedy Cabaret at the Travelodge (11580 Roosevelt Blvd.)
Admission: $20 plus 2 beverage minimum
Information: Contact Mike Viola (MichaelLViola@verizon.net)

Probably a bit expensive for those who are only interested in seeing me, but if the cause is close to your heart, please do attend!

Now here's a performer

Before you read any further, check out this YouTube video of Carol Burnett and company. But don't read the rest of this post until you do. Go ahead. I'll wait.
.
.
.
I am simply blown away by this. Instead of losing her cool and looking foolish, Burnett gets the audience to laugh with her, not at her. The woman is standing on stage, before who-knows-how-many people, with her skirt around her ankles, and yet she keeps her dignity. I aspire to the day when I can be half as funny when I look only one-tenth as foolish.

One other thing. Plantar fasciitis should burn in hell. A really hot one.

New favorite lyric:

"If I had a jetpack I'd bust into your door
And take you by the hand to the Jersey shore
And underneath the moonlight you'd want me even more
'Cause I'd have a jetpack"

Artist: Jill Sobule (Jill Sobule/Robin Eaton)
Song: Jetpack
Album: Underdog Victorious

A Friday wrap-up

The other day, whilst waiting for an appointment, I read in Entertainment Weekly that in March Boy George pleaded not guilty to wrongful imprisonment. Apparently, he chained a male model to a wall in his house. (I Googled for the news item but couldn't find it; if you do, please send it to me. I must have it.) What struck me was that the charge was "wrongful imprisonment." Is there a rightful imprisonment? I can just see Boy George defending himself: "Your Honor, there was a smashingly good reason why I had to chain that gorgeous boy to a wall in my conservatory." For the record, if I'm going to chain anyone to a wall in my home, I'll damn well collect rent. Nobody gets a free ride with me.**

I saw a company name today: Campus Zeus. I don't know exactly what this company offers, but if it's consistent with mythology, the service will smite students' enemies with lightning and sleep around on them.

I was playing Galactic Civilizations II the other night, and I came into a moral quandry. You see, I was busily engaged in pounding the sand out of the evil Dominion of Korx, which had been rampaging across the galaxy…until, of course, I got with the sand-pounding. Anyway, just as I drew within range of their home world, the civilization made a great societal shift to a philosophy that valued freedom, charity, and altruism. I cast about for ways to justify attacking a (now) good and peaceful race, and I was having a really tough time until I remembered that my civilization was based on the philosophy of neutrality. How many gold dragons, I wonder, have come to an untimely end through such reasoning?

**Don't all jump up to comment, "That's not what I heard!"

New favorite lyric:

"My sex change operation got botched
My guardian angel fell asleep on the watch
Now all I got is a Barbie-doll crotch
I got an angry inch."

Artist: John Cameron Mitchell (Stephen Trask)
Song: Angry Inch
Album: Hedwig and the Angry Inch (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)

Lie down with dogs...

...get up with cheesy 80's shlock. Check out what comes up on YouTube as a related video to my Fergie's set.

This makes me really, really happy.

Hey, does anyone know where I can get a blasted "Obama for President" button? I live around the corner from Whole Foods, for cryin' out loud, and I can't get my hands on one. I'm not sure just how much more liberal I have to be.

New favorite lyric:

"It's nice to be liked, but it's better by far to get paid
I know that most of the friends that I have
Don't really see it that way
But if you could give 'em each one wish
How much do you want to bet?
They'd wish success for themselves and their friends
And that would include lots of money"

Artist: Liz Phair
Song: Shitloads of Money
Album: Whitechocolatespaceegg

Just like being a real comedian!

It was quite the comedy weekend…two shows in two days. These shows marked a few other firsts: my first stage foray without a cheat sheet, and my first paying gig. I figured that if I am good enough to get paid I'm good enough to play without a net, and so I did.

Saturday was a bar (always a flashing neon danger sign of red) in Pottstown, but the crowd was pretty receptive to my shtick and I got a number of nice compliments from audience members at evening's end. (I was also lucky enough to go on first, and get them before they'd had too much to drink.) I also got adopted by some bar folks for some reason I can't quite fathom. They cheered me on lustily, if drunkenly, and at one point almost interrupted the emcee with demands to, "Bring on Neil!" Would that I had them at every show!

Sunday's show was less fun. The room was crowded and kinda stuffy, and the crowd was challenging. Although they laughed at some things, they were dead silent at others, and never really seemed to warm to me. Even the headliner had some difficulty, although not as much as I did. Also, there were unexpected small children there, which forced me to G-rate my set at the last minute. Still, a paying gig is a paying gig, so I got through. Oh, and I have to mention that in the front row was a woman who could not have been more delighted to be there. She was convulsed with laughter, literally pounding the table and wiping away tears. Someone else I wish I had at every show.

It was kind of funny. I was more nervous about Saturday's show than Sunday's, and yet I think I did better Saturday. However, videos of both nights will be available once I figure out how to use the video editing software on Dan's Mac, so you can judge for yourself.**

New favorite lyric:

"I can bring whole cities to ruin
And still have time to get a soft shoe in
Something's cooking, I'm at the griddle
I bought Nero his very first fiddle."

Artist: Hinton Battle (Joss Whedon)
Song: What You Feel
Album: Once More With Feeling (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

**The video for the Sunday show is now on YouTube, in two parts.

Oh. My. Gosh.

As some of you know, I have been reading the TSA's blog, which in my view is really just a PR tool for an agency that makes its living by keeping Americans afraid, obedient, and compliant to authority. If you read the blog, make sure to check out the comments, which are far more interesting than the propaganda the TSOs post.

Anyway, yesterday one of the bloggers posted that the percentage of flights that contain one or more air marshals numbered "in the double digits." Evidently, that information is a premium super-duper top TSA secret, because a mere 24 hours later the following appeared:

Yesterday I mistakenly wrote and subsequently reiterated last night in a comment that the percent of flights covered by air marshals is in the “double digits.” Frankly, this was a result of my haste to provide information and to get the truth out quickly about our federal air marshal program. It is simply not appropriate to discuss percentage of flights covered.

So...he wrote it, repeated it, says he was mistaken, but then says he should never have given out that information (which was mistaken). So, was the figure he quoted right or wrong? If it was wrong, then he could have just said, "Hey, that figure I quoted was wrong, and I am not allowed to state the real one." If it was right, this half-assed denial is convincing nobody. My goodness, man...if you're going to try to sleaze your way out of a screw-up, make your lies plausible, or at least consistent.

This is why people don't trust the TSA; the agency appears incompetent at best, or dishonest at worst.

Something that's been bugging me...

I've been following the Democratic presidential primary fairly closely, and naturally I have heard the Clinton vs. Obama, experience vs. judgment debate. However, something puzzles me. Clinton has been going around saying how important experience is, but should she win the nomination, how will she square that against John McCain's greater experience? I mean, the man has been in the Senate since the last Ice Age, so she can hardly claim seniority. Will she then turn around and say, "Well, experience matters but so does judgment"? Isn't that what Obama is already saying?

Besides, all this experience is well and good, but without good judgment experience can equal little more than marking time. I am sure we've all worked with people who possess superior seniority but zero aptitude. (Not that I'm accusing Clinton of that; I actually think she's fairly effective at what she does.) Besides, George Bush has plenty of presidential experience, but do we really want to give him another try?

New favorite lyric:

"The humans are dead
The humans are dead
We used poisonous gases
And we poisoned their asses"

Artist: Flight of the Conchords
Song: Robots
Album: The Distant Future

Just finished watching "Dexter" Season One

...and I have only one thing to say.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!

No.

No.

No!

New favorite lyric:

"Creators of Dexter Season One
Why did you come up with the worst possible ending imaginable?
Did you mean to make me pound things with my fists
And scream like Gollum?"

Artist: TrackerNeil (TrackerNeil)
Song: Why Does Dexter Hurt?
Album: The First Time I Turned Thirty

You never know what you'll find...

...when you Google yourself. (Cue PinkHairedGirl: "Dirty!") When you Google my name, the first hit you get is for an actor who appeared in such cinematic classics as, "The American Experience", "The Able's House is Green", and my personal favorite, "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator." In that last one I apparently played "The Cyclist", although I would much rather have been credited with "Bad Tempered Man." Phil Vincent beat me out, though. Bastard.

I am one of the openers in a show in Pottstown Saturday, April 5. I am certain I left out a zillion people on my email announcement, so give a shout if you're interested in attending and I'll send you the details. I'm only on stage seven minutes, but I'm certain that the other nine comics are at least as good if not better.

TSA = Totally Stupid Actions

Really good NYT opinion piece about Security Theater at the airport. A few months old, but IMO still relevant.

Speaking of useless things, the Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) now has a blog in which you can post comments if a) you feel as though doing so won't put you on the no-fly list; and b) you think they'll bother to post them (it's a moderated blog). When I first browsed to the blog I expected the whole thing to be little more than a PR stunt designed to make the TSA seem concerned and responsive. My expectations were fully confirmed. The TSA bloggers rarely directly address questions, and when they do their answers are usually transparently nonsensical, but I have fun reading the often extremely intelligent criticisms of those whose comments are occasionally allowed to appear.

If you visit the blog, note how often the TSA bloggers will answer criticisms that they are rude and power-tripping by either typing their responses ALL IN CAPS or by saying, "Flying's not a right. If you don't like it, don't fly. Tough cookies." Who says there's no truth in advertising?

New favorite lyric:

"If I were a weapon you said I'd be a gun
Lethal at close range I guess with silencer and stun
I feel more like a needle always pulling on the thread
Always making the same point again and wondering
If you heard what I just said"

Artist: Suzanne Vega (Suzanne Vega)
Song: If I Were a Weapon
Album: Songs in Red and Gray

Take that!

Yet another study that shows that cell phone use on the road is a really, really bad idea.

Hang up and drive, folks.

This just in...

I don't want to announce specifics until I have confirmation, but I am pretty sure I will be performing in not one but two comedy shows in early April. I think I am getting paid for one, too, which means that for at least one weekend I can pretend I am a professional comedian. That means I can start writing off stuff on my taxes next year as business expenses, too, although I wonder if you can itemize "fear that I will alienate the audience."

Hillary Clinton just won't let up, will she? Don't get me wrong, I like her well enough and always have, but every person has a limit and this year she's just about hit hers. Obama's ahead of her and unless she does better in the upcoming states than she's done in any of the previous, she'll go to the convention in second place. Better if she just recognizes reality and steps aside. Argh.

New favorite lyric:

"And sometimes one place wants to slip into the other just to see
What it's like to trade its demons for the restless ghost of Mrs. Ogilvey
She used to pick the mint from her front yard to dress the Sunday pork
Sometimes southern California wants to be western New York"

Artist: Dar Williams (Dar Williams)
Song: Southern California Wants to Be Western New York
Album: Mortal City

Looky looky!

Here's a sister doing it for himself. Looks like my next stop is the Pennsylvania General Assembly!

As much as I detest Ralph Nader for his newest attempts to enthrone a Republican president, I can't fault his veep choice. Matt Gonzalez is a cutie, and I'm still disappointed that he lost his San Francisco mayoral bid to Gavin Newsome. Not because of their politics so much as the fact that Newsome's not as attractive. And he looks a little plastic. (Yes, I am evaluating politicians based on their looks. I certainly can't use their integrity.)

New favorite lyric:

"And then you're someone you are not
And Junction City ain't the spot
Remember Mrs. Lott and when she turned around
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise of this wicked little town"

Artist: John Cameron Mitchell (Stephen Trask)
Song: Wicked Little Town
Album: Soundtrack: Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Feeling Sun-sational!

Make fun of the title if you must; I didn't make it up. The recorded voice on the airport bus used that awful, awful "word", and when I heard it I knew it must receive mention in my blog. Just so.

Florida was warm and, despite the assurances of the airport-bus-voice, only sometimes sunny. But it was warm, so I got to hang out in shorts and bare feet in February. February. Gaa. I ate some delicious pizza whilst drinking champagne, and when Philadelphia was having its worst winter storm of 2008 (so far), Dan and I were walking barefoot along a beach in Boca Raton collecting sea shells. Mama.

Dan's parents have cable with a zillion channels, so I got to watch some TV too, which for me is a treat. I saw an episode of Jerry Springer entitled "Trannies and Carnies", and nearly broke Dan's fingers for daring to change the channel. (Was he out of his mind?) Also, I saw four or five episodes of "Project Runway." As far as I can tell, that show is basically a bunch of bitchy gay men and super-annoying straight women (What's the difference, you ask), forced to work under stressful conditions to produce high fashion that will be judged by a bunch of prissy, self-important snobs who deliver passive-aggressive little insults with either a phony smile or a Glare of Death.

Why haven't I been watching this all along?

I couldn't look away. I mean, seriously, Dan and I were transfixed. I sympathized with neither contestants nor judges, mind you; in fact, the more flustered and haughty they got, the better I liked it. And of course Dan and I got right down in the mud pile too, being all like, "How long does Christian spend on his hair in the morning?" or "Isn't Rami the most controlling queen?" and "Jillian is just pure evil."

I think I see a "Project Runway" night in my future. Who's with me?

New favorite lyric:

"Except all the radios agree with all the TVs
And the magazines agree with all the radios
And I keep hearing that same damn song everywhere I go
Maybe I should put a bucket over my head
And a marshmallow in each ear
And stumble around for another dumb-numb week
For another hum-drum hit song to appear"

Artist: Ani DiFranco (Ani DiFranco)
Song: Fuel
Album: Little Plastic Castle

Better than the box office

Last night I had "Cloverfield: The Dream", and it was a heck of a lot more interesting and tense than the stupid movie. And I didn't have to pay $9.50 to see it. I'm hoping that tonight my subconscious can improve on "Land of the Dead."

New favorite lyric:

"Happiness where are you, I've searched so long for you
Happiness what are you, I haven't got a clue
Happiness why do you have to stay so far away from me"

Artist: Michael Stipe with Rain Phoenix (Eytan Mirsky)
Song: Happiness
Album: Soundtrack for "Happiness"

Excitement!

I was interested in following the primary returns last night, and may I say, pleased at the way the entire primary is unfolding. Sure, it's taking longer than some folks would prefer for the Democrats to sort things out, but I don't see a problem with that. We learned in 2004 that uniting early behind a candidate does no good if it's the wrong candidate. There's a value in an extended primary, where we get to test-drive each candidate before making the choice. Also, I have had it with Republican rule, so this year I would really like to get it right.

Also, isn't it great that the Democratic finalists are a black man and a woman? Quite the contrast to the GOP, who fielded a bunch of old white guys, as usual. Feh, I say. Feh. Reminds me of the 2007 State of the Union address, in which Bush (told his lies) gave his speech before a legislature led by a woman. If you Google some images or videos, you can a stone-faced Cheney sitting next to Nancy Pelosi, who looks like a cat in cream. Pretty sweet.

New favorite lyric:

"18, drove his car too wild
19, Prozac poster child
20 got too angry bowling
21 was green-card trolling
22 liked Judy Garland, ballroom dancing...yup, gay"

Artist: Deirdre Flint (Deirdre Flint)
Song: Jenny of One Hundred Dates
Album: Then Again

Blue Wednesday

I know today's Thursday, but I'm referring ever so obliquely to yesterday, when I performed at the Comedy Cabaret. Check out the video. All-new material in front of a crowd that's typically not very fond of me, but I got a pretty good response last night. If you're watching it at work or in front of the young ones be warned that there's a good deal of naughty language** in there. It's how you have to work the Comedy Cabaret.

** Hence the "blue" in the title.

More pics

Because I feel like it! These have languished on my hard drive for long enough...now I shall inflict them upon you. Enjoy..if you dare!

Just in time for the season

The campaign season, that is. Here's a handy Web site that documents the statements made by would-be presidents and rates their veracity, ranging from "True" to "Pants on Fire." Bookmark it and keep it handy, 'cause you'll need it as primary season progresses.

As promised, here are pics from Dan's birthday party. There aren't many, it's true, but...well, I don't have any pithy comment with which to finish that sentence. So there.

New favorite lyric:

"They lived for awhile in a very nice style
But it's always the same in the end
They got a divorce as a matter of course
And they parted the closest of friends
Then the king and the queen went back to the green
But you can never go back there again"

Artist: Billy Joel (Billy Joel)
Song: Scenes from an Italian Restaurant
Album: The Stranger

They's married now!

Here are some pics from my brother's wedding, which was last Saturday. You'll note there are only about a dozen; for some reason, lots of the pics we took came out blurry. Oh well. Enjoy!

Oh, and there will be a video of my best man speech posted on YouTube as soon as Dan transcodes it for me.

In case you felt you were missing...

...some old-fashioned, white supremacist-mocking distraction, here you are. Yeah, I know making fun of the Klan is a gimme, but this video's funny and a good sing-along.

I'm not getting it

I've been thinking about all the stuff we do in this society that's supposed to make us safer. We waterboard people, we forbid shampoo on airplanes, and make people show photo ID to get into office buildings, but we're still deathly afraid of terrorism. We make sexual offenders register online, ban them from using the Internet and forbid them from living, working, socializing or driving with X feet of playgrounds, schools and bus stops, but we're still worried about the safety of children. People move to the furthest reaches of suburbia and buy guns until there are as many firearms as people, yet they still won't let their kids walk to school.

If you ask me (Yeah, I know you didn't. Shut up.), the real problem is not the threat of terrorism, child molesters and crime, but the fear of those threats. It's one thing to make sure nobody's bringing handguns onto airplanes, and quite another to start torturing people who might or might not know anything about a terrorist plot of which we have only vague information. The former is appropriate prudence; the latter, a prime example of a nation so consumed by fear that it's lost its moral compass.

Fear's a tough thing, and like everyone I've had to grapple with it. There are times, particularly in this last year, when I want to take the people I care about and lock us all in an impenetrable container where no one ever dies. That's no way to live, though. If chancing the terrorist means I won't have to show my passport to get into a damned office building, or that I won't need to surrender my habeas corpus rights, then I say it's a deal. The terrorist can only kill me once; from fear I can die a thousand deaths.

New favorite lyric:

"It's hard not to think about you
To keep you off my mind
It's hard to live in a world without you
And it's getting harder, it's getting harder
It's getting harder all the time"

Artist: The Mindbenders (Charles Albertine/Ben Raleigh)
Song: It's Getting Harder All The Time
Album: Soundtrack of "To Sir With Love"

Well, not saw but SAW

This has got to be the funniest thing in politics since Bob Allen and his "stocky black man" routine. Mitt Romney really put his foot in it when he said he saw his father marching with Martin Luther King. Turns out that the elder Romney never appeared with King, but that Mitt "saw" him anyway. Here's the money quote:

"If you look at the literature, if you look at the dictionary, the term 'saw' includes being aware of in the sense I've described," Romney told reporters in Iowa. "It's a figure of speech and very familiar, and it's very common. And I saw my dad march with Martin Luther King. I did not see it with my own eyes, but I saw him in the sense of being aware of his participation in that great effort."

Ah. Well. That's a mistake that any slimy, flip-flopping political snake would make. However, to make this even funnier, check out what Redstate.com has to say about it:

"...this incident could be easily understood by Romney's supporters, but it only strengthens the positions of those who do not have confidence in the veracity of certain of Mr. Romney's statements."

Man, you can't make up this stuff.

And you thought we just inserted commas!

Just when you thought that copyeditors couldn't fight crime, the good folks at the Lewiston Tribune proved that greatness can indeed come even from the ink-stained hands of those of us paid to nitpick.

In other news, I got to see most of a gay boy's butt today, and totally without being unfaithful to Dan. Somebody needs to tell the guy running the organic stand at the market that low-rise jeans plus short T-shirt plus bending over really far leads to a generous glimpse of the great divide. He was cute enough so I am not complaining, mind you, but if I were him I'd either wear fuller-waisted trousers or else get some spackle.

New favorite lyric:

"Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
Feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I could have done
But clouds got in my way."

Artist: Joni Mitchell (Joni Mitchell)
Song: Both Sides Now
Album: Clouds

I don't often admire New Jersey, but...

...they've earned a high-five today. Buh-bye, death penalty.

Obviously, state Republicans are in a tizzy over this:

"Sparing the lives of brutal murderers only a week before Christmas will leave a hole in the hearts of surviving family members that will never heal."

Assembly Minority Leader Alex DeCroce

You're right, Alex; Christmas isn't a time for mercy. It's a time for death!

I'm sorry

I’ve always felt that saying I’m sorry is kind of cheap and inadequate. It’s what you say when you spill a glass of root beer or accidentally give away the ending to a book your friend is reading. Although you regret what happened, you know there’s nothing you can do about it, and so the words always seemed to me really meaningless. A year ago today, however, those words took on new substance when Star C. Foster passed away, suddenly and shockingly, of a pulmonary embolism. I'm sorry about that too, and there’s not a damned thing I can do about it, and I feel more regret than words can say. So I’ll say those words to her, because I am sure that, wherever she is, she’s found a way to get Internet access.

I’m sorry that when you first complained of leg pain I didn’t know anything about blood clots and pulmonary embolisms. If I had, I’d have bundled you into my tired old Corolla and taken you straight to the ER.

I’m sorry that when I got to the hospital that morning all I could do was tremble and clutch Dan’s coat, and that when it came time to face your parents, I could only leave him to say the right thing.

I’m sorry that I didn’t have the power to restore life, and still don’t. Thousands of pages of fiction tell me that using such power never has a good result, but that day I would have used it in a minute. A stone-cold minute.

I’m sorry that when I saw you on Friday I didn’t know that the following Thursday we’d be standing around your coffin. If I had, I wouldn’t have let you leave, or I would have followed you home.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t muster the resolve to say a few words at your funeral. Once again, it was up to Dan.

I’m sorry that I used to regard euphemisms like “passed away” as a pathetic attempt to deflect reality. The reality was that I knew jack about death and how hard it was to name, much less to accept.

I’m sorry that I no longer reach for my phone to invite you for dinner when Dan and I have prepared too much food. That’s called, “getting on with life”, and I’m sorry it’s so cruel.

I’m sorry that Halloween is not for me quite the party holiday it once was. Your absence from it has changed things.

I’m sorry that I now know that wisdom is sometimes bitter to receive.

I’m sorry that I resent the person now living in your old apartment. He/she has done nothing to deserve it except be there when I want someone to blame for your not being there.

I’m sorry that when I see your number, still in my phone, I am reminded that even if I press the green button you’ll never receive the call. I don’t delete the entry, though; it’s a false hope I can’t live without.

I’m sorry that I didn’t hear your laugh at my stand-up debut, which I would have picked out easily from all the others. It was a terrifying thing for me to try but I think you would have approved.

I’m sorry I never appreciated the joy of walking around a city taking pictures until it was too late to share it with you.

I’m sorry that it took your passing to make me realize how disconnected I was from my emotions, and how ashamed I was of feeling. I can’t change the past any more than I can bring back the dead, but I have the power to carry the lessons I've learned this past year into the future, a future I get to have, and to feel, and to live.

And about that, I’m not sorry.

I'm always ready...

...to answer questions about chocolate. The other day Dan came into the bathroom whilst I was showering to ask, "Do you like your hot chocolate with or without whipped cream?" Being wet and naked did not cloud my judgment for an instant, and without pause I cracked back, "With." (Some would say that being wet and naked improves my performance in all ways.) The hot chocolate did not arrive during the shower, if you were wondering, nor did I consume it naked or wet. Well, the hot chocolate was wet, but I wasn't. You know.


New favorite lyric:

"It's a small town life but I like it
'Cause the bad don't get in your way
There's an angry God gonna strike it
Yeah that's what we pay him for, that's why we pray."

Artist: Dar Williams (Dar Williams)
Song: Flinty Kind of Woman
Album: The Honesty Room

I love politicians!

Andy Lewis, a newly elected Delaware County commissioner, recently uttered a bit of idiocy that will remain among my favorite for eternity. As you may know, Lewis and his Republican cohorts campaigned on the ominous warning that their Democratic opponents would raise taxes but that they, the heroic GOP standard-bearers, would "hold the line." Well, there was a line, but it was fed to the voters, because now these folks are talking about tax increases. I just have to post a quote from Lewis himself, explaining his elastic position on the issue:

"Holding the line on taxes does not mean no tax increase."

Of course not. I think any reasonable person would understand that holding the line on taxes means being willing to raise them. Duh.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not against taxation. In fact, you'll never hear me complain about the amount of taxes I pay, although I make no such promises in regards to the use to which my money is put. However, I can't stand these zeros who rail against high taxes but happily avail themselves of the multitude of amenities taxes provide.

New favorite lyric:

"An American army regulation
Says you mustn't kill more than ten percent of a nation
Because to do so causes permanent psychological damage
It's not permanent but they didn't know that."

Artist: Sinead O'Connor (Dave Clayton/Sinead O'Connor)
Song: Famine
Album: Universal Mother

In my day...

Yeah, it's one of those posts. However, let me preface by saying that, generally speaking, I do not think that life was better ten, twenty, or thirty years ago. Today's computers are more user-friendly, our medicines more effective, and loads of other stuff I'll not bother to mention but which you can fill in for yourself. However, I think in a few areas we were better off, say, twenty-five years ago, than we are now. Here they are:

News: Back in '82, the news was on in the morning, at noon, at dinnertime and late at night. If something happened at 3pm...well, you waited a few hours to find out about it. (Unless it was really momentous, when networks would interrupt programming to tell you about it.) Today you can get news in six zillion ways and at all hours of the day, and you can even enable RSS feeds on various topics so that you'll never, ever miss the latest updates on whatever topic you've chosen. Call me curmudgeonly (Curmudgeon! Curmudgeon!), but I think this created a society of fear. Because reports of every happening everywhere in the world is available to any joker with Web access, we've developed perceptions of risk far out of proportion to actual threats. A child was abducted in Kansas...run and lock yours in a room! This is what brought us Megan's Laws and other fear-motivated but ultimately useless public policies.

Communication: If you were alive in 1982, you remember the days when you got phone calls in one place: home. If you weren't there, you didn't get the call. Hell, most people didn't even have answering machines! These days, with cell phones and Blackberrys and who knows what else, you're on call 24-7. No matter where people are or what they're doing, they're ready, willing and able to answer the burning cell-phone question "Where are you?" Cell phones ring in movie theaters, restaurants, concerts, operas, courtrooms...I once had a date (a first date, mind you) in which the gentleman took a call and stayed on the phone for five minutes. (I didn't put out on that date, if you're wondering, and I always put out. That's how mad I was.) There's something quintessentially rude about the way cell phones are used, and it's coarsened our society, not to mention made our roads more dangerous with drivers who think they're better at multitasking than they actually are.

Entertainment: In that golden yesteryear of 1982, you had six channels; seven, if you counted PBS. Now you have seven hundred thousand, and most of what you'll find on them is utter crap. Most theaters had one screen; today, they can have more than twenty. They say competition improves, but that certainly has not been the case with media explosion. Do you think a movie like "Taxi Driver" would be made today? Would you expect "All In The Family" to make its way into today's television programming? The intensity of competition has really just prodded producers to aim at the lowest common denominator, so as to gather the biggest possible audience. That means dumbing down the content, and after years of being treated like it's stupid, the American public has lowered itself admirably to the occasion. That's why "American Pie" had two sequels.

Again, I don't pretend that 1982 was some kind of golden age; it wasn't, and I am glad we are here and not there. But not everything we've gained has been a boon. I also realize that the things I listed have been negative not because of any inherent factor but because of misuse. It's my blog, tho, so I get to bitch.

A voice of reason...

...where you'd least expect to find it: the state legislature. Check out this opinion piece by Rep. Daylin Leach, who represents the 149th District. He very deftly deflates the hysterical objections of the NRA nuts who think that a reporting requirement is the first step on the way to the gulag.

Have you heard the rumors about retiring Senator Trent Lott's association with gay escort Benjamin Nicholas? I won't pretend these rumors are substantiated, but they certainly are interesting. I find it curious that Nicholas at first says that he doesn't want to add complication to "Trent's" life (they are on a first-name basis?!?) because "it's the professional thing to do." Uhh...just what profession are we talking about, Ben? When pressed, he says Lott (evidently, he's forgotten the senator's first name) has alot to deal with and that he, Nicholas, doesn't want to "add fuel to the embers." Finally, when he was caught out, he said that he and Senator Lott (now evidently remembering Trent's profession) have no "current affiliation." That's a very careful statement, don't you think?

Clearly, Nicholas either had a relationship with Lott or he wants us to think he did. Perhaps he's just a drama queen (a predilection certainly not unknown amongst gay men) who's looking for attention, but I don't think so. If you check out his Web site, it's clear that Nicholas' clients are relatively well-heeled and probably desirous of discretion, so I can't imagine good ol' Ben really wants to attract this kind of attention. I dismissed these rumors at first, but now I'm starting to wonder if there's not some fire behind all this smoke.

New favorite lyric:

"You're the hammer that's falling
You are the dripping tap inside
Insane and deranged
No easy words that could explain."

Artist: Go-Go's* (Go-Go's/Anna Waronker)
Song: I Think I Need Sleep
Album: God Bless the Go-Go's

*Yeah, I know that's two consecutive new favorites from the Go-Go's. It's been that kinda week.

Game. Set. Match.

Sorry for strutting a bit, but I had a fabulous set at Helium last night and I am flying high about it! Got lots of laughs on material that was less than four hours old and which was, in my view, a bit personally revealing. I felt like I could have taken the walk home in four giant steps.

Speaking of steps, mine are considerably noisier these days, as my left Merrell has developed one of those inexplicable squeaks that happens every time I put my left foot down. I wish those squeaks would start sporadically so I'd have some warning that it was time to replace the shoes, but nuthin' doing. Yesterday: good shoe; today: squeaky annoyance. I am very particular about the type of shoe I wear, and of course City Sports had that type in every size but mine, so I had to order it. Therefore, the city will be somewhat noisier until next week.

Note to those who will see me within the next two or three days: I am going to be insufferably positive about my Helium set. Forgive, please.

New favorite lyric:

"Lust to love
Was the last thing I was dreaming of
And now all I want is just to love
Lust has turned to love."

Artist: Go-Go's (Jane Wiedlin/Charlotte Caffey)
Song: Lust to Love
Album: Beauty and the Beat

Ouch!

You can find a vid of my latest stage foray on YouTube, but be warned that it's not pretty. It was a very bad crowd for me, interested chiefly in dick jokes, of which I have none. They also seemed to like masturbation humor; I was the sixth or seventh comic on stage that night, and every other one had jokes on that topic. Every single one. So, if you want a good jerk-off joke...well, don't ask me, because I haven't heard any lately.

This sums it up

You want to know why I wouldn't vote for Rudy Giuliani in a million years? Check out his own words about his reflections during the 9/11 period in NYC.

"At one point I stopped. I'd probably made about 10 decisions. I wasn't sure they were right. And I said to God, 'God, you know, you know how this is going to come out. I don't. And I'm going to make the decisions, and you're going to make them right."

Call me crazy, but maybe he should be asking God to help him make the right decisions, instead of expecting God to...what? Change the world so those decisions turn out to be right?

This confirms what I've read about Giuliani, who has in the past said he grew up sensing he had a destiny and that 9/11 was when it arrived. That, in my view, is dangerous. I don't want any part of a candidate who thinks he's been touched by a god, destiny, fate, whatever. Not for president, not for Congress...hell, not even for committeeperson. No way. That leads to a belief that it's OK to break laws or engage in sleazy deals because, what the hell, it's all in a good cause. Also, it makes you think you're irreplaceable. Nobody is. The job of POTUS will get done by someone, and if that someone isn't Rudy the nation will not slide into the Atlantic.

Argh.

Just so you know...

...before you decide to scream in an elevator, you should probably check to see if said elevator has a camera.

Saw "Razor" at the Riverview last night, and I give it a thumbs-up. I think it airs on TV November 24, and I recommend watching it. I'd thought about titling this post something like, "'Razor' cuts deep" or "'Razor' is a cut above'," but then I realized how annoying that would be.

Mmmm...

....chicken salad from Reading Terminal. I don't normally buy chicken salad because when it's bad it's really bad, but the stuff Hatville Deli serves is downright tasty. Have some. Now!

I am getting really tired of presidential debates in which the candidates are asked about their opinions on torture in the context of a "Jack Bauer" scenario. Since when did it become intellectually respectable to frame questions of national policy in terms of a television series? Shall we now engage in debates about abortion based on the situation faced by the President of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol?

Hey, Yagathai showed "Deer Woman" at Movie Night yesterday, and it was a howl. One of the funnier MN selections of late, and definitely one I'll remember for a long time. Apparently the flick is part of the "Masters of Horror" series, for those who want to look it up.

I'm currently watching fifth-season episodes of "Babylon 5" to support my theory that Sheridan was an awful politician who got it wrong half the time and then weaseled out of his responsibility to make it right. You're probably thinking, "Uhh...don't you have socks to sort, or some lint to pick out of your navel?" Yeah, right...like I'd really do something so useless.

New favorite lyric:

"Who's peeking out from under a stairway, calling a name that's lighter than air
Who's bending down to give me a rainbow, everyone knows it's Windy
Who's tripping down the streets of the city, smiling at everybody he** sees
Who's reaching out to capture a moment everyone knows it's Windy"

Artist: The Association (Ruthann Friedman)
Song: Windy
Album: Insight Out

**Yes, you saw "he." Believe it or not, this song was written by Ruthann Friedman about a man, but when The Association recorded it they changed the lyrics. You can find the original lyrics here.

Fit to Split

I did my comedy thing at Lickety Split Sunday night, and it was a pretty decent experience. I saw a comic get heckled like nobody's business, but the crowd was nice to me considering how late it was (after 1 am) and how drunk they were. There's more to be said about that night but I dare not go further in this here public space. I don't want some comic coming after me for what he read on my blog.

You can see the results of my work here. YouTube hasn't yet added the clip to their search engine so you can't look it up via my name quite yet. Check out the drunk guy who starts mumbling to me around 2:30. He was nice enough, throwing me the horns and insisting that I rocked, which was rather decent of him. Nothing like a compliment from a drunk guy with weird hair to build your self esteem.

Thanks to the stalwart Ed, who soldiered through to the wee hours of the morning to record this slice of history.

A hell of a copter!

Had a neat dream last night that my brother-in-law owned a helicopter that he taught me to fly and let me borrow. Let the city try to impound that vehicle!

I have a question. If you could command any sci-fi ship you wanted, which would you pick? I'll list a few for the sake of convenience, but please do recommend others not on the list:

1. Defiant
2. Battlestar Galactica (or Pegasus, if you want a newer model)
   
3. White Star
4. Enterprise (of whichever model you prefer)

Was anyone other than me thinking this?

Apparently, Republicans are angry that Pete Stark said what at least I have been thinking. Leave it to a Stark to point out the inherent weirdness of having plenty of money for war but none for the healthcare of children. Winterfell '08! As to "dishonoring the commander-in-chief"...sorry, Mr. Boehner, but reality beat Stark to the punch.

Here's a vid of my latest stand-up foray. It was brand-new material, and it sounds the part.

New favorite lyric:

"Well I hate TV
There's gotta be somebody other than me
Who's ready to write it off immediately
I'm looking for a cynical girl"

Artist: Marshall Crenshaw (Marshall Crenshaw)
Song: Cynical Girl
Album: Marshall Crenshaw

Open Mic: The Reckoning

For those who may be interested, I will be attending the open mic at the Comedy Cabaret this Wednesday, October 17. I'll go on sometime between 8:30 and 10.

Since I wasn't sure until today that I was going, we decided not to cancel Movie Night. Dan will hold down the fort while I try once more to make strangers laugh at me. Normally I don't have to try too hard to make that happen, but on stage it's called performing.

Two news items I liked

Personally, I think we owe this train a debt of gratitude for taking a genetic defect off the roads, if only for a little while.

It must be my birthday, because Larry Craig is staying in office! Yup...he's decided to hang in there while he "explores his legal options." That's politician-speak for "finds a way to weasel out of the mess he made for himself." What a great gift, Lar! I feel bad that I didn't get anything for you, though. Maybe I could find that piece of paper you were trying to pick up when you hit on Officer Karsnia, eh? (Good taste, by the way, although next time us a damn chat room like any other troll.)

And again!

You can find my second bid at stand-up here, recorded at Helium.

I didn't tell very many people I was doing this for a few reasons. First, I wanted a crowd in which almost no one knew me, and that I got. There were nearly fifty people there, and it was kind of a tough crowd. Not very many comics got laughs. Second, I didn't know I was going on at all until 40 minutes before I actually did, so I didn't want people attending if they weren't going to be able to see me. Third, it was a three-minute set, so I was on and off that stage before you could say, "Great Zeus! Is that the guy who made his debut in glamorous Northeast Philly?"

Like that guy who weeps over Britney Spears...

...I, too, am on YouTube! Yes, our new digital camera doubles as a camcorder, and took a pretty dandy video of my stand-up comedy debut. So, even if you weren't at the glamorous Comedy Cabaret on Wednesday, you can watch my nervous energy translate into these weird, Lady MacBeth-style hand motions!

Notice the constant glances at my set list on the chair...when I got behind that mic my mind went absolutely blank. I'm talking basic knowledge here, too, like my own name and swallowing, along with all my material. Argh. Also, check out my spacey, unfocused eyes; I couldn't see a damn thing except the lights in my face and absolute darkness behind them. Oh, and SuperTarzan, who was sitting about two feet from the stage. Yowza.

Although I can't say I enjoyed it at the time, later on I felt this real rush, and I understood why people do this. It's power, really, and for four minutes, forty-two seconds I had it.
.
.
.
And I spent it talking about having sex with John Kerry. Hmm.

Read on Red

I found this comment on RedState.com, in a thread about Fred Thompson's now-you-hear-it, now-you-don't statement that, should he be captured, Osama bin Laden deserves due process of law. Naturally, such a statement was out of place in a Republican venue in which the candidates are vying to claim the title of Most In Favor of Torture. I'm quoting this comment here verbatim, for the ages:

Comment title: this is one case where we could learn from
the terrorists

they do, after all, know much more than we ever will about torture. Done properly, OBL could suffer immeasurable agony for an extended period of time.

Hey, I'd plop down the $19.95 for the DVD!

What's perhaps more scary is the follow-up comment, which I found too disturbing to quote in full here. Check it out for yourself, if you want something stomach-churning.

Just thinking

I've been thinking (Dan always groans when I start a sentence with that phrase) about the way Americans view democracy. There's this notion that democratic ideals and principles are luxuries, like power windows in a car, that can and should be discarded when trouble strikes. It's as if people think that autocracies and dictatorships are somehow intrinsically more efficient. I'll grant you that in times of danger you can't debate everything in committee, but at the same time I'm not certain that sacrificing the core principles of liberty really makes things more efficient. A dictator can act more quickly than an elected council, but that doesn't mean he's making the right decisions. Hitler's decision to divert some of his armor away from Moscow to the Crimea was certainly made with dispatch, but it may have cost him the Russian campaign. If he'd had to deal with press, public criticism and opposing political powers he might have been persuaded differently, but of course autocrats don't have to bother with that.

Democracy, to me, is a political expression of diversity, which we know from nature is a good thing. (If all life forms in an ecosystem are too similar they can too easily be wiped out by one cataclysm. ) In politically diverse societies all points of view get to vie for national attention, and even those that triumph are usually moderated by those that don't, thus ensuring against precipitate action. If this sometimes hinders complete victory it also prevents utter defeat.

On to new business. My first open mic is 9/26, and I'll email interested parties the where and when.

Overheard something really funny today

Whilst at a lunchmeat counter at the Reading Terminal, I overheard the following exchange:

Man: "Can I have a half-pound of the rotisserie chicken?"
Woman behind counter: "Chipped or sliced?"
Man: "Yellow."

I'm making bread tomorrow! I do this only once or twice a year because it's a real pain in the neck, but the results are mouth-watering. Tips for good bread:

1. Refrigerate your dough for 2-24 hours.
2. Wrap the newly baked loaves in aluminum foil so that the crust stays soft. Unless of course you prefer the crust, er, crusty.

The Stink of Pink

Looks like another Republican congressman enjoys a nibble from the other side of the loaf. Mark Foley, Bob Allen, Larry Craig...how many gay GOP congressmen are there? Geez Louise...I'm beginning to think that I could find most of the Republican caucus in Woody's on Saturday nights. Here's what the good senator had to say about it:

"At the time of this incident, I complained to the police that they were misconstruing my actions," he said. "I should have had the advice of counsel in resolving this matter. In hindsight, I should not have pled guilty. I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously."

Yeah, right...a member of the US Senate had no idea that pleading guilty to lewd behavior in a men's restroom might come back to haunt him later on. At least he didn't claim fears of a "stocky black man."

Hey, Bush and I agree!

I've been saying for years that Iraq is this generation's Vietnam, and now I hear that The Decider thinks so too. I'm so pleased we agree.

You've heard of Matt Sanchez, right? The conservative Iraq vet darling of the right-wing set who turned out to be equally well known as gay porn star Rod Majors? Well, I found his blog, and I share it with those who may be interested. Oh, and here's Michelle Malkin's defense of him. Malkin is googly-eyed crazy, so it's worth a read. Between Sanchez and Jeff Gannon, I'm beginning to think that conservatives are trying to recruit gay porn stars.

By the way, if I am getting annoying in conversation with snappy comebacks, blame the stand-up comedy instruction I've been taking. I spend a good deal of each day coming up with material, and as a result I tend to think in terms of rim-shots.**

**That's the drum-thing done after a punchline. I realize with a post about Matt Sanchez it could mean something...very different. But it doesn't.

New favorite lyric:

"There's nothing like poverty to get you into heaven
They've got alot of wine and fish up there and the bread's unleavened
They got alot of ears that heard a whip go crack
Lots of missing toes and fingers and scars upon their backs"

Artist: Patty Griffin (Patty Griffin)
Song: Poor Man's House
Album: Living With Ghosts

Holy smoley!

I was made aware of this Web site today.

Yeah, I couldn't believe it either. The site owners are careful to say they don't "promote or condone" violence against informants or law enforcement officers, but they sure give those who do a handy means for locating targets. I'm not proposing censorship or anything like that, which is a shame because this Web site is despicable.

Open Letter to Liberals

Dear Liberals:

You and I have had a friendship that spans decades. We've been to pro-choice rallies, written checks to the ACLU, voted for John Kerry and emailed our senators about progressive issues even when we knew they wouldn't listen. It's because of this close relationship that I say, in the most loving way possible, that you're a bunch of short-sighted, tantrummy children who deserve a good spanking.

I know you're angry about Congress' failure to pass legislation containing hard deadlines for a troop drawdown...me too! However, I understand that the US Senate honors a rule called the filibuster (say that with me) that allows forty-one senators to thwart the will of the majority. Remember that little trick our side used during our long years in the minority? Well, Republicans can use it too, and they have, and so fell every single attempt to set a deadline. That means that getting angry at Harry Reid is like Gandalf blaming Frodo for not living closer to Mount Doom.

I understand that you love Cindy Sheehan, but supporting her bid to unseat Nancy Pelosi is pure, unadulterated folly. Pelosi is a safe-seat Democrat and reliable liberal who can do more for our side than an understandably pissed-off Iraq vet mother with no legislative experience who alienates half the people she meets. Keep in mind that the House of Representatives has passed the deadline three times; it's the Senate that's the problem, and there Pelosi has zero control. None. Replacing her with Sheehan won't eliminate the filibuster, and it won't get you what you want.

Look, you're right on the issues: healthcare, labor, abortion, same sex marriage and, yes, even Iraq. However, if you continue to insist upon my-way-or-the-highway policies, you're going to drive independent voters right back to the GOP. You may be anxious to return to the days of a Republican majority, zero congressional oversight and awful federal court nominees, but I'd rather not be included in that road trip, thank you very much. Please take a deep breath and think about what's really important and how best to accomplish it.

Hugs and kisses,

A Discouraged but Loyal Liberal

I Can-tankerous!

I'm taking a wonderful new medicine that makes everything taste metallic. I had an iron apple for breakfast, naan, salad, and copper shavings for lunch, and tonight I'm thinking of perhaps an aluminumy pizza. Very nice.

[Edited to remove something that might get me in trouble later.]

Griping complete. For now.

Yesterday I was stopped at a traffic light at 36th and Spruce, where a traffic cop was directing traffic. He was doing these wonderful little traffic-regulating dances, which were at once instructive and yet esthetically pleasing. I wanted to watch him for a bit longer, but the light turned green and he very jauntily waved me along. I really didn't feature seeing his write-a-ticket dance, so I went on my way.

Festival Fun

The Philadelphia International Gay and Lesbian Film Festival is in town starting July 12, and I've already got my tickets. Holding down the top spot is "The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror", which will no doubt be exquisitely bad. Hence the top spot. I'm also afire to see the documentary about Alexis Arquette's sex change. I'm not overly interested in tranny issues, but because AA is kind of loopy and I look forward to seeing how he freaks out on camera.

Did I ever mention that he was kind of rude to me at a festival a few years back? I had just come out of a dreadful movie in which he starred ("Piccadilly Pickups", in case you want to avoid it), and I saw him in the lobby. I said hi and complimented him on this Australian movie he'd done some years before, and he kind of looked at me disdainfully, acknowledged that I was an organic being, then turned away. In light of this, I feel fully justified in taking pleasure in his on-camera squirrelly antics.

New favorite lyric:

"Does the man who makes the shoes own you, clown?
You can't even pry the nameplate off, now can you?
Fix it with your tiny fist there
James Van Der Beek and them sisters from Sister, Sister
The only one that's ever felt this is you
The force that's forcing you
To feel like busting up a Starbucks."

Artist: Mike Doughty (Mike Doughty)
Song: Busting Up a Starbucks
Album: Haughty Melodic

Dream!

I had a strange dream last night, which is so unlike me, I know, I know. In this dream I was a deity; in fact, I was the deity. That sounds really self-centered, right? Wrong! In the dream, being the Big Guy was hard work. There was always some disaster to monitor or prayer to hear, and I never had a minute to myself. When I first became a deity I caused a miracle to sort of announce the new administration, and my chief of staff (yes, I had one) took me to task for it. Admittedly, resurrecting every dead French person and doubling the the radiance of every star wasn't your most subtle of wonders, but my chief was really stern! (I only made the stars brighter for one night, too.) No wonder my predecessor retired. Still, I'm thinking that after a few millenia in the job my 401K would kick ass.

Dan and I were discussing Duran Duran lyrics the other day, and so I came up with this:

"Her name is Rio, but I just don't understand
How some chick's like a river in a dusty land
A prime example of when lyrics are unplanned
You make a metaphor about the Rio Grande."

I really like "Rio", but come on.

Funniest thing I heard all weekend

Yesterday Dan and I went to Fogo de Chao courtesy of Dan's sister and her boyfriend (they rock), and it was pretty neat. A nightmare for vegetarians, admittedly, because they serve mostly meat: chicken, lamb, pork, and beef galore. Really good stuff, though, and the service was constant and gratifying. There was always someone in uniform there to fill your glass, remove a soiled plate and, of course, slice you off another serving of whatever meat was in prospect. Dan said, "It's like the 'Material Girl' video. With meat."

Tee-hee. But now I can't steal that line.

Back from the West!

San Francisco, as always, was delightful. The weather was less cool than I'd hoped, but otherwise things were sunny and clear, with not even a hint of rain. No cloud dared show its misty face! On my Favorite Places list, San Francisco is #2 with a bullet. (London’s #1, in case you were wondering.)

My plane took off only twenty minutes late, surprise, surprise. Unfortunately, I had to deal with a child sitting behind me kicking the back of my seat. His name was Graham, and his sister was Chandler. Urgh. I’m sure that the next kid will be Tyler, Ashley, or Chelsea. An hour into the flight I wanted to ask Mom how she thought Graham would kick with a pair of bloody stumps. Dan’s portable DVD player made the seat-kicking bearable, though, and “Jackie Brown” got me through the 5.5-hour flight.

The room was swank, with a giant bed that could easily have slept three. (It didn’t though.) It was well situated, too, right near a Muni stop, a Whole-Foods-type store that provided my morning fruit cup and a 7-Eleven that sponsored my afternoon milk. The room’s best attribute was that it was free.

Look at my San Fran pics, but I'll make a few observations here.

1. Restaurant service is slow, slow, slow. I think it's just a West Coast thing.
2. You know those seats on buses, trains, trolleys that are labeled, “These seats must be yielded to elderly or disabled passengers”? Well, in San Francisco people actually yield them, without even being asked. I don’t think I’ve EVER seen that on SEPTA.
3. Those San Francisco hills you hear about are NOT exaggerated. I walked up one hill that had to be angled at 40 degrees.
4. I’m a diehard liberal, but the liberalism there is cloyingly strong. My gosh…I couldn’t enter a store without hearing customers ask if something was organic, locally grown, free-trade, etc. Sheesh! (I left some of my liberalism there, as you’ll see from the pics.)

Coming back my plane took off right on time, a minor miracle in itself, but I paid for it by being seated once again near a child. This time I was behind him, and I had to restrain myself from taking revenge on Graham by proxy. I was the envy of my seatmate because I watched “Dog Soldiers” and a Go-Go’s concert on the DVD player.

Yay nearly free trip!

It makes me uncomfortable!

Know what experience really bothers me? When you see someone on the street whom you know only casually, and that person acts like he/she doesn't know you. Why do people do that? Personally, I give the old smile-n-nod, which says, "I don't know you very well, but with this cool smile and quick nod I hereby politely acknowledge our distant acquaintance." Some people know enough to do the same, but other give you that quick glance and then stonily ignore you, which always makes me uncomfortable. I don't care if he/she doesn't acknowledge me, but the fact that that person is uncomfortable makes me uncomfortable, which probably makes that person more uncomfortable until it becomes this whole downward discomfort spiral. Blech.

Hey, I saw "Notes on a Scandal" today, and I approve. Cate Blanchett is just marvelous...I'd see pretty much anything she was in. I have this rule about not seeing any movie that has a Wayans in the cast, but I'd break it for Cate. Stockard Channing, too.

T minus three days until I leave for San Francisco.