Ready for a laugh?

Check out this gem from the American Spectator. I'll quote a few choice passages, with my replies, natch.

The Republicans lost control of Congress. They deserved to lose, but we don't deserve what's going to happen because they did.

So, really, it would have been better to keep a corrupt, arrogant, incompetent leadership even when you are aware they are such. Check.

From here on, we shall never speak ill of a fellow conservative. Yeah, it's okay to blast any faux-conservatives who deserve it (such as the "Republican" co-author of the McCain-Lieberman "global warming" bill and the Georgia fellow who thinks we have to limit the First Amendment in order to win the war). But no more bashing other Conservatives, even when they deserve it.

So no speaking ill of conservatives, except those conservatives who piss you off. Them you can bash.

The test case will be illegal immigration. The Senate Waffle House will produce an amnesty bill, and the House will have no problem rolling over the few tough Republicans left there. But we can fight a holding action in both, and I promise to fly lead and drop all our rhetorical smart bombs right through the windows of the Oval Office.

I believe he's referring to the dreaded filibuster. Whatever happened to a "straight up-or-down vote"? I guess that's attractive only when you're certain the vote will go your way.

Oh, and in case you didn't notice, this guy is pushing a Rumsfeld-Bolton ticket for 2008. Yes, I read that too. No, it wasn't a trick of your eyes. If this is what we've got in terms of opposition, how could we lose?

No one to fight

Dan and I once realized that we handle problems very differently. You know that fight-or-flight response? Well, he flees and I fight. Seriously. You might not think it to look at me, but I have the ability to make an incredible nuisance of myself when I feel I've been wronged or misused in some way. I've gotten lots of free stuff from companies via this technique: free shipping from Gateway, $100 credit on my Visa from FirstUSA, a complimentary pay-per-view Indigo Girls concert, etc. It's useful.

What I want right now, however, I can't get, no matter how many letters I write or phone calls I make. I can't complain to Death's supervisor, or threaten to report Death to the Bureau of Parts of Life, and it really makes me angry.

A Warm Interlude

Florida's not my favorite state, but as a break from a Philadelphia winter it's not bad. Couple that with lots (and lots) of to-die-for Italian food and you've got yourself a recipe for an enjoyable winter vacation.

Staying with Dan's parents is like being at a resort. There's always great food (and plenty of it) and you don't have to do anything but sit around in bare feet and watch TV. Which I did. I caught an episode of Jerry Springer entitled, "My Sixteen-Year-Old Daughter is a Drug Dealer and a Whore." That's entertainment, my friends.

The flight out was suspiciously on-time departing and arriving, but we paid our dues coming back when our flight was an hour late. During our wait I did some brisk laps around the terminal, and I can therefore say with some authority that there was nary a cute guy to be seen. Apparently, it was No Cute Guys Flying from Fort Lauderdale day, so I was reduced to reading my book about Darwin and the theory of evolution. (Yeah...like that's important to anyone.) Also, either I had some bad luck, or everybody and his sister Sue is wearing those awful, awful velour track suits, in a horrid profusion of colors: brown, black, pink, and even peach. The prize winner was a fiftyish man in a black version of said suit, wearing a large gold medallion over a hairy chest exposed by the partially opened zipper of his jacket. Not making that up.

Closing up

My company's closed betwixt Xmas and New Year's, so right now I'm wrapping up a few things, a.k.a. cruising the Internet until I can sneak out. A number of things are going on during the holidays, among them various Eve gatherings, a sweet sixteen party (no, not mine, unless you mean sixteen on Jupiter), and a one-two New Year's brunch and Sex Dwarf. Oh, and there's a brief foray to Florida in there, too, which I wasn't looking forward to until last week. Now I'm kind of anxious to get out of Philadelphia for awhile; these days there are a few too many ghosts around the corners.

I'm looking forward to seeing my nieces on the Eve; I haven't seen them for ages, and recent events have made me want to stay in closer touch with people. I promised the older one I'd teach her to drive when the time comes, and I think that'll be fun. I've taught two people before her, with no freak-out and a distinct minimum of wiggins. And that was in the days when my car was worth more than, say, a big pack of gum.

Speaking of cars, it's kind of fun to have an old car that runs well but otherwise doesn't matter too much. I've managed to bang the right side on a post leaving the garage roughly once every two or three times I pull out, leaving a scrape and a deepening dent. Ten years ago that would have sent me scurrying to the repair shop, but now I just shrug. My car and I are very alike: We turned 30 the same year, and these days we're both older and more battered, but we still get the job done.

Now here's some gall

Apparently, the city officials in New London, CT, can't imagine why they got, uh, unusual Christmas cards from Susette Kelo. Here's a particularly choice reaction:

"It's amazing anyone could be so vindictive when they've made so much money," said Gail Schwenker-Mayer, a development supporter who received one of the cards.

Umm...maybe because she wanted her home more than the money? Hey, Ms. Stupid-Hyphenated-Name! Some people might possibly value something like a home over a bunch of money. Folks are just crazy that way, I know. And check this out:

"I still feel bad for Susette," Burdick said. "The sorry part of this is that the things she's angry about were not done to be mean-spirited toward her personally."

He's right. I can't imagine why she would take personally being kicked out of her home so that the city could put in condos she most likely could never afford to buy. Lighten up, Susette.

Burdick and Stupid-Hyphenated-Name, in my view, are so out of touch with reality that you'd have to bitch-slap them from now until mankind evolves into pure energy beings before they'd understand how wrong they were.

Attention last-minute shoppers!

Has Colombia got a deal for you!

As hulking as they are, hippos can outrun humans on land, which helps explain the periodic deaths of unsuspecting safari travelers in Africa. That speed, and their highly aggressive disposition whenever their turf is invaded, makes them a threat and is the main reason authorities are offering the animals, or at least most of them, free to anyone who will come and take them off their hands.

Sounds neat, but I'm not sure where I'd actually keep sixteen of these bad boys. I hear that VisMajor now has a backyard...

Miscellany

I've obtained a username for Redstate.com, and, yes, I've been posting there. I don't expect to change opinions, but I'm enjoying myself for now. I'm a fish out of water there not only because I'm damned liberal (unless of course you ask Mediagirl), but also because those folks hew closely to conservative political philosophy. Personally, I don't think most Americans worry overmuch about political philosophy; instead, they go with what seems to work. Case in point: Mississippi, among the reddest of red states and a foe of gub'ment intervention was happy to take the federal dollars it was offered for Katrina relief. And I'm not saying they shouldn't be, but if they do I don't want to here any more whining about the "evil" feds. Let's face it: When Uncle Sam wheels out the government trough, every little piggy - rich or poor, liberal or conservative - is happy to put in a snout.

Dan and I are flying to Florida on the 25th. I'm sometimes asked, "Isn't it kind of depressing to have Christmas without cold and snow?" My answer? Nope. In my view, nothing says "Seasons Greetings" quite like eighty-degree weather and palm trees. I can drink egg nog just as enjoyably in shorts, t-shirts and bare feet, thank you very much.

Can I say how good freshly ground peanut butter is? We've been buying it at the Reading Terminal, and it's delish. I've had spoonfuls of that heavenly treat for dessert and been completely satisfied. Why the hell does Jiffy add sugar?

Does this entry seem kind of frantic? It's a good reflection of my current state of mind, which runs frantically from distraction to distraction to avoid slipping into thoughts that, for now, are just not good for me to think.

A little good news...

...and some is long overdue, I'd say. I got permission to substitute for a required course, which means that (assuming all goes well) I will finally finish my graduate certificate this spring. I'm totally hardened by last summer's schedule-busting, seven-week proposal writing course, too, so right now I fear no graduate work.

Sex Dwarf was fun Friday, despite the drunken yuppies who managed to shove people around, drop several glasses (making the floor a jagged peril), and get creepy with Babs. At one point the bouncer was leaning on a nearby ledge, staring right at them, but they refused to get the hint that maybe they should tone it down a bit. They left shortly after midnight, off to annoy and grope other clubgoers, no doubt, but in any case I was glad to see the back of them. They couldn't diminish my gratitude in seeing that the beloved Sex Dwarf DJ team had festooned the walls with silver stars, in remembrance. It was like Star was with us, even if not in the way we would have chosen.

Another Day

The services were yesterday, and they were both heartbreaking and strangely uplifting. Not sure how those two things go together, but they did. Sooo many people attended...it was a real testament to the lives Star touched.

When I got home around 5pm, I remembered that my department's office party was that evening at a bar in Center City. Remembering that the party featured an open bar, and needing a drink* after the day's events, I decided to go and at least put in an appearance (and down some free booze.) I had promised the party planners that I would do karaoke there, but I was reconsidering it given that I'd spent the last four days in a daze. Then I thought of what Star would have counseled, which was that I should not only do karaoke, but that I should bring that motherfucking place down. So I took the mic and belted out "Dancing With Myself", with a mental nod towards an invisible Billy Idol, and I did bring that motherfucking place down. When I was done I threw the horns, which I expect my coworkers took for bravado. I knew who those horns were for, though, and my Movie Night peeps, had they been there, would have known too.

*I've drunk more alchohol in the last four days than I have in the previous four years. No regrets.

Is this getting by?

I'm at work today. I didn't want to go, but since I didn't want to stay home either and white-water rafting wasn't an option, I decided to work. Not sure if that was a good idea for me, and I know it wasn't a good idea for the coworker whose head I nearly took off over pretty much nothing.

Anyone else having trouble sleeping? Takes forever to drop off, and then you wake up a hundred times a night, always thinking of the same thing? I haven't had any bad dreams, though; I guess my subconscious decided that Sunday morning was nightmare enough.

I've found food a wonderful method of coping, and Monday I said to myself, "If some of a good thing helps a little, way too much will help alot!" That sent me on a junk-food frenzy until I felt sick and realized what I was doing to myself.

Another coping method has been busywork. Monday night I decided that those summer clothes I'd neglected to put away just couldn't wait another minute. Tuesday Dan and I did housework. Actually, the place needed it; after Sunday we did nothing to clean up, and there was food sitting out getting grosser by the day. I usually don't do stuff like that, but then this week's not been very usual. The place is clean now, though, so Movie Night people can be assured they won't be walking into a mess tonight. Would that the hosts were as tidy.

I don't know what to say

Most of you reading this know that Star Foster, a.k.a. Sarcasmo, died yesterday morning of a pulmonary embolism. Those of you who didn’t…well, I’m sorry you had to hear it this way. I’m at work today, because I can’t take another day of thinking about it. That’s small of me, but over the past 24 hours I’ve learned that the small things are what get you through. Of course, I’m here at work blogging about it, so I guess I didn’t do myself much good after all.

Dan and I got the call around 11 am, and we were at Graduate Hospital shortly afterwards. We walked down Lombard to get there, and it was a beautiful winter day, which somehow seemed wrong. You know what else seemed wrong? There were all these people out enjoying the (relatively) mild day, and it struck me that they had no idea what had happened. Dan and I were in a completely different world, and I almost expected them to be able to walk right through us. I don’t know if they were the ghosts or we were.

All I’ll say about how things were in the ER is that no matter how bad you think it was, it was worse. I don’t know how those ER nurses and doctors do it, witnessing that kind of awfulness every day. Maybe you get hardened to it, but I don’t know if I want to get hardened to that. I never know what to say in these circumstances, so I settled for looking at the ground or – really close up – at the shoulder of Dan’s coat. I’ve been told that I’m very diplomatic, but when Star’s folks approached Dan was the one who said the right thing, while I hid my face in the crook of his arm.

We invited everyone who was interested to gather at our place, which turned out to be a better idea than I at first realized. On the way back I found myself fretting endlessly over what we should have in terms of food. Food happens at these times, I knew. (Remember, the small things.) Mouserobot held down the fort while Dan and I went out and bought pasta and chicken and cheese and chocolate cake. The pasta turned out badly because I screwed up boiling it, which sounds funny. How do you screw up boiling stuff? You screw it up by putting in too much pasta and not enough water, that’s how. Given my state of mind at the time I guess it’s fortunate I didn’t stick my head in the pot. Bad pasta notwithstanding, lots of people came over, the Movie Night crowd plus others who’d known Star. Two people were missing, the first being VisMajor who had very kindly volunteered to help go to upstate New York and get Star’s younger sister. The other was Star herself, who I kept expecting to walk in at any moment.

The knowledge of Star’s death keeps coming at me from different directions. I’ll try to get my mind off it and think of something else, but the knowledge just pops up right along each train of thought and slams into me. I’ll think about the concert I was planning to attend that weekend (the one Star wanted to see), or the next episode of Battlestar Galactica (Star will never get to see how it comes out), or about Sex Dwarf (Star was so excited about the New Year’s Eve bash). It’s like the knowledge is saying, “Howdy doo! You thought you could lose me by distracting yourself, but here I am. I think I’ll settle in and stay awhile. A good, long while.”

I guess this is the time to say nice things about Star, but others have done that more eloquently than I’ve a heart to. As I said, I’m not very good at coming up with the right words at these times. I’m pretty much just thinking one thing.

I wish that Star wasn’t dead.

If I were to convert to theism...

...this is the kinda think that'd do it. The God Squad's all worked up and they can't do anything about it. Nice.

I don't have any sympathy for Mary Cheney, by the way. I think she's a mealymouthed orientation traitor who's happy to feather her own nest by stepping on every gay person in the U.S. Yeah, yeah, I know Dick Cheney can't legalize gay marriage, but for Pete's sake, he doesn't have to oppose it to gain traction among the bigot set. Yet he does, and he and his master have profited handsomely from it, and so has his daughter Mary. As far as I am concerned, she and her partner can fall off the earth into some heterosexist hell, leaving behind their baby to be raised by people who won't teach it that treachery for profit is fun.

Oh, and Andrew Sullivan, who makes an appearance at the article's end, is quite the fool. He thinks liberals are wrong, wrong, wrong, yet he ignores that liberals are the ones who make it possible for a gay man to be Republican. Kinda like Ann Coulter decrying feminists; if she really hates feminism she should get married, stop earning money and just stay the hell in the kitchen.

Election Dreaming

I had a really vivid dream a few weeks back, the details of which I'll relate here. It was Election Night, and while watching the returns on CNN I was surprised to see myself projected as the winner of the congressional race in my district. This was particularly surprising since I wasn't running. Apparently (I knew this in the way you just know stuff in dreams) someone had mounted a write-in campaign on my behalf, and that campaign was successful.

Cut to the first day of the 110th Congress, with me in a waiting room with dozens of other freshman reps, all waiting to be sworn in. I'm chatting with reps from Iowa and Arkansas and such, and in comes my friend Cathy with congressional cupcakes. Those of you who know Cathy have experienced her tasty and creative treats, so you'll believe that she could make cupcakes appropriate to a congressional swearing-in ceremony. She passed them around to all the freshman reps, making me (for an hour at least) the most popular congressman on the Hill.

Congressional cupcakes...heh, heh...

I can't believe I just remembered this...

...but apparently typesetting utility industry catalogs makes you think of embarrassing situations. Here goes.

A friend of mine had just moved into his house, so I went over to check out the new place. After the tour and renovation/decoration talk was finished, we put on music and starting dancing. (Gay guys do this. Don't ask.) Anyway, one of the albums was "Television Hits of the 70's", with theme songs from stuff like "Welcome Back, Kotter" and "Barney Miller", etc. When the theme for "Laverne and Shirley" came on, we started acting out the stuff Laverne and Shirley do in the montage: opening the doors into each other, putting the glove on the beer bottle, running out of the apartment, and all that. We were having a blast, and just as we were imitating the gals on the bike - me Shirley bent over the handlebars pedaling, and my friend being Laverne behind her standing up, arms raised - in comes my friend's cousin. He thought to surprise my friend with a housewarming gift, and walks in on us in a posture that I'm guessing did not immediately remind him of that lovable TV duo.

He didn't ask any questions, and we didn't explain. It was an object lesson in how innocently acting out a 70's sitcom montage can be badly misinterpreted.

A little bit of disillusionment

In case you thought that wiretapping was bad, check this out. Here are some of the highlights:

The scores are assigned to people entering and leaving the United States after computers assess their travel records, including where they are from, how they paid for tickets, their motor-vehicle records, their previous one-way travel, their seating preference, and what kind of meal they ordered.

Better think twice before pre-ordering that kosher or vegetarian meal. Everyone knows that Jews and vegans are soft on terrorists.

The government notice says ATS data may be shared with state, local and foreign governments for use in hiring decisions and in granting licenses, security clearances, contracts or other benefits. In some cases, the data may be shared with courts, Congress and even private contractors.

Well, there's something to be said for near-total disclosure, even if the subject of the record is the only one who can't see it.

The Homeland Security privacy impact statement added that "an individual might not be aware of the reason additional scrutiny is taking place, nor should he or she" because that might compromise the ATS' methods.

Or it might, you know, reveal that the criteria are pure bullshit. Either or.

Nevertheless, Ahern said that any traveler who objected to additional searches or interviews could ask to speak to a supervisor to complain. Homeland Security's privacy impact statement said that, if asked, border agents would hand complaining passengers a one-page document that describes some, but not all, of the records that agents check. It also refers complaints to Custom and Border Protection's Customer Satisfaction Unit.

Does it take a whole page to write out, "Fuck you, it's a secret"?

"If this catches one potential terrorist," he said, "this is a success."

Uh-huh. Does that mean if it doesn't catch a potential terrorist we get to can it? Also, exactly what is a "potential terrorist"? Someone who intends to attempt a terrorist act? Someone who plots one? Someone who might be sympathetic to someone either attempting or plotting one? Nothing like deliberately vague language!

Some of my favorite people

I'm going to list a few of my favorite people*, because I feel like it.

Margaret Cho: She's hilariously funny and is a great friend to the gay community. She shoots her mouth off, sometimes unwisely but always in the right cause. Go Margaret.

Richard Dawkins: This guy always knows how to answer those smarmy you-atheists-think-you're-so-smart questions, as well as the questions that are more honestly intended. He comes off as a dick, it's true, but that's because he feels free to call foolishness by its name. Would that more of us shared that predilection.

Sister Helen Prejean: This lady's a great mixture of compassion, common sense perspective and a tart Lousiana wit. You might know her as the nun who wrote "Dead Man Walking", but if you've ever heard her speak you'll probably join me in wishing she'd run for president, or at the very least the U.S. Senate. The highest praise I can say is that the first time I heard her speak in person I went away thinking, "Ahh...so this is why my friends are Catholic!"

Thomas Frank: He's a long-time political junkie and writer, and a few years back released a book entitled, "What's the Matter with Kansas? How Conservatives Won the Heart of America." That book strongly influenced my view of politics, and I strongly recommend it. He's a great speaker, combining a sharp political insight with a healthy sense of humor.

*This list does not include folks I know personally, many of whom are also among my favorite people.

How screwed are we?

Britain is finally doing what the majority of its citizens have demanded for years: pulling its troops out of Iraq. Poland and Italy will follow suit, leaving the U.S. holding the bag in Baghdad. I'm sure the Kingdom of Palau will stand with us, though.

NBC has decided to start calling the Iraq mess a civil war, a decision that was late in coming if you ask me. A conflict that centers on one religious group systematically killing another, and that has resulted in as many as 600,000 deaths...well, if that isn't a civil war, what the hell is? I expect that the White House will counter by attempting to redefine the term "civil war" so narrowly that what was fought between the Union and the Confederacy in 1861 will have to be re-designated as sectarian violence.

In other news, my foot still hurts. Apparently, it can take up to a year for plantar fascitis to go away. That right; in the time it takes my poor tendon to heal, a human could go from "Hi Sperm! Hi Egg!" to being cooed over at grandma's house. Where's Dr. Crusher with her little blue light?

I'm reading Richard Dawkins' "The God Delusion." Dawkins is definitely what you might call an evangelical atheist, and from what I've seen and heard in debates the man does not suffer fools gladly. However, he makes some pretty good points in his book; so many, in fact, that I'm taking my sweet old time reading it, to make sure I get everything.

I was reading yesterday about a local deli owner who foiled would-be robbers when he produced his own handgun and chased them out of his store. Apparently, tho, one of the robbers was frightened and hid in the back of the store where the owner found him. The owner then marched him into a back room, called police, and took his boots. I'm not crying over the fate of a bunch of thugs, but why would he take the guy's boots? I've been trying to figure that out and I just can't. Comment if you can, please.

And here I claim...

...the right to feel superior. I never understood why anyone would shop on Black Friday, but this?

Feh, I say. Feh. I grew up sufficiently poor than having fruit juice in the house was a rarity, and frozen waffles a luxury, so perhaps I'm biased. Or perhaps some people are frakkin' nuts. Growing up poor wasn't fun (although to be honest as a kid it seemed normal to me), but it gave me a nice perspective on the word "need." You need heat. You need food. You need electricity. You do not need cable. You do not need an SUV. You do not need a vacation. Proceeding from this is the very simple conclusion that most of the stuff people camped out Thanksgiving afternoon to buy was a bunch of crap they could just as easily have gotten later. Or - radical thought - been just as happy without.

Holy moley!

I never followed the OJ Simpson trial, and in fact did everything I could to avoid seeing or hearing anything about it. Those of you who are over 25 will remember well how ubiquitous and unending the coverage was, and can hopefully sympathize. However, I heard enough to know that most Americans pretty much thought OJ was guilty. With that in mind, you can imagine my surprise at this.

If he had done it? Umm, OJ? Most Americans think you did. May I suggest some alternate titles for this interview?

"The Way I Wish I'd Done It"
"My Confession"
"You Won the Civil Suit but I Still Killed Your Son"
"Rubbing It In: Gotta Love that Double Jeopardy"

Who told OJ this was a good idea? Maybe he's hard-up for money, or maybe he's just a fool. If it's the latter, he's in good company at Fox News.

A comforting familiarity

Check out Charles Krauthammer's pathetic attempt to spin the last election into a conservative gain. What I find particularly funny is this little gem:

Because both houses have gone Democratic, the election is correctly seen as an expression of no confidence in the central issue of the campaign: Iraq. It was not so much the war itself as the perceived administration policy of "stay the course," which implied endless intervention with no victory in sight.

Perceived administration policy? Umm...how about explicitly stated administration policy? Bush himself said something like this in last week's speech when he said he couldn't imagine how it "seeped into people's heads" that he ever advocated staying the course. I guess all those times he said "stay the course" don't count. Still, just as it's comforting to know that tomorrow the sun will rise and objects will still fall down, it's good to know that the GOP is still adept at distributing shockingly untrue but oft-repeated talking points.

On other matters, did anyone think that last week's "Battlestar Galactica" concluded with a hit on the old reset button? In my view, we found out very little that was new, and ended up pretty much where we began.

Nope…it still feels good

I keep clicking over to CNN today to make sure that what happened Tuesday night hasn’t, you know, un-happened. Not only has it not un-happened (try that double negative!), with George Allen conceding Virginia, it’s gotten better!

According to Redstate.org, Republicans suffered losses because they weren’t conservative enough, and that to regain power they must become even more conservative. I find that line of reasoning…well, pretty fucked. Personally, I think the reason the GOP got spanked is not because the American people all of a sudden discovered liberalism, but because Republican congresspeople had proven themselves arrogant, incompetent and corrupt. To regain power, they might want to focus on being less arrogant, more competent, and a teensy bit less corrupt.

Another idea floating around the conservative blogs is that everything will revert to Republican control come 2008. I’m not going to say that’s impossible (after Tuesday’s smashing success I guess anything can happen), but I wouldn’t bet on it. Come 2008, Senate Republicans are defending 21 seats, while the Dems are defending only 12.

In other news, I’ve discovered a new medical condition called plantar fascitis, which translates to “really annoying foot pain.” Those of you who have seen me rolling a metal candlestick under my foot at Movie Night have witnessed one of many home remedies for this malady.* Sigh. Getting old sucks.

* “Remedy malady” is like “taxi-Nazi”, isn’t it? I grow increasingly fascinated with these near-rhymes.

Oh frabjous day!

Obviously, I am elated about last night’s results, which I stayed up into the wee hours to witness. It’s been so long since my side had any electoral success that this kind of victory is hard to accept. Well, actually it’s delightful to accept. Even more delightful is the response of right-wing bloggers, who are doing their level best to blame their loss on anything – the media, the exit polls, the Democrats – other than the GOP itself. Given how poorly they’ve lost, I feel I deserve a little secret online gloating. If you want to join the fun, try Redstate.org., which I feel is particularly sour-grapey.

Dan and I totally did a victory dance when Santorum conceded. I hope you did as well.

The Value of Hypocrisy

Check out David Frum's defense of drug-using, gay-sex-having evangelist Ted Haggard. Here are a few juicy excerpts:

We admire the Arthur Vandenbergs and (someday) the Joe Liebermans who can reach past party feeling to support a president of the opposing party for the sake of the national interest.

Uh-huh. I'll bet From was incensed when Jim Jeffords bolted the Republicans, but when Lieberman does it to the Dems, it's "reaching past party feeling."

If a religious leader has a personal inclination toward homosexuality - and nonetheless can look past his own inclination to defend the institution of marriage and to affirm its benefits for the raising of children - why should he likewise not be honored for his intellectual firmness and moral integrity?

Hmm...according to this, the bigger the hypocrite Haggard is, the more virtuous we should hold him. Maybe Haggard should have gone for the gold and fucked a transvestite whom he afterwards beat to death with a platform shoe. Then Frum would likely nominate him for sainthood.

A hell of a guy

Check out Santorum-shill Romanelli’s lame excuse for going on the GOP payroll:

“Yes, well, the bottom line is that I needed money. I have been trying to fundraise for the Greens for five years, and Democrats and progressives just aren’t giving us any. It was my intention to elevate the level of discourse on the issues in this senatorial race. And let’s not give Rick Santorum credit. Let’s not blame the Green Party. Carl Romanelli put this operation together, and I had the understanding with a handful of Republican friends of mine who helped me that we were both using each other. I needed money, because I had none, and I was well aware that they thought that my presence would help their candidate. I didn’t ascribe to that point of view, but it was mutual, because for five years the Green Party of Pennsylvania has been lobbying our legislature for more fair ballot access and for campaign reforms. It’s fallen on deaf ears.”

Well, the guy’s intelligent, certainly intelligent enough to realize he was a mere Republican sock puppet. And I admire his courage in taking credit for selling himself out. Carl Romanelli doesn’t hide behind lackeys, no; when he offers his integrity to the highest bidder, he personally sits behind the cash register. I’m also impressed by the bipartisan spirit Romanelli demonstrated; it’s heartwarming to see conservatives and progressives coming together to use each other as tools to satisfy twisted ambition.

Hmm…intelligence, courage and a sense of bipartisanship, all in one Romanelli-shaped package. In a Bizarro world, I could vote for him.

Everyone can play!

Welcome to Whack-a-Sex-Offender, the game in which government officials get as crazy as they wanna be to show just how tough they are on sex offenders! Check out the latest news from New Jersey. In case you don't want to bother reading the article, here are some excerpts:

The state Parole Board yesterday reimposed a curfew prohibiting registered sex offenders from opening their doors during trick-or-treating hours. If a parole officer or other law enforcement official comes knocking, though, the offenders are ordered to let them in.

Sex offenders also are forbidden from attending Halloween parties, from going trick-or-treating, and from wearing any costume that obscures their identity.

Any offender who is spotted handing out candy could be cited for a parole violation and sent back to jail for up to 24 months.

The curfew - which will be imposed on about 2,200 sex offenders - will run from 3 p.m. Tuesday to 6 a.m. Wednesday. The Parole Board will make exceptions if the offender needs to go to work. If a community holds Halloween events on a different day, the same rules will be in effect.

You'd figure that this was all to prevent sex offenders from, you know, re-offending. Not so!

"The purpose is to prevent people with sex offenses in their past from making initial contacts with potential victims," said John D'Amico, the chairman of the Parole Board.

At least Mr. D'Amico is honest about the prospects of these restrictions actually protecting anyone.

D'Amico said that there had never been any reported assaults against children by registered sex offenders on Halloween.

But, D'Amico said, Halloween events could allow a sex offender to establish a relationship with a child that would foster trust and later result in an assault.

Man...you couldn't pay for better theatre.

Regarding Draakengard...

...I got that voicemail, you jackals. Very funny.

Re-Americanized

I just flew back from England (this is where I'm supposed to say, "And boy are my arms tired!") and boy am I tired! You wouldn't think that sitting on a plane could wear you out, but it can, and did. Still, the awesomeness of England made it well worth the trip, even taking into account my strong dislike of flying. I know that, statistically speaking, I'm safer on a plane than in my car, but then again I don't have to worry about falling 33,000 feet out of my Corolla.

I managed to get four hours' sleep on the flight over (nap sponsored by Prince Valium), so I arrived at Heathrow relatively fresh compared to other trips. In fact, that selfsame day I visited Bletchley Park, where the Brits cracked the Enigma code. Very neat place. During the trip I also visited the Winston Churchill Museum, Dover Castle (where the white cliffs are), various spots in London, and a supermarket. That last one sounds dull, but it wasn't. I got to peek around and see what the English buy at their version of Acme, otherwise known as Waitrose. Most of the stuff was unfamiliar, but I did see Betty Crocker, Kellogg's and, of course, Coca-Cola. The weather was clear by English standards, meaning it was variably mostly sunny and completely cloudy, but there was little rain, and my umbrella was ne'er unfurled. I also discovered that asking for root beer in an English restaurant is like putting Republicans in charge of Congress: you get nowhere. Trying to describe the taste of root beer is even harder, but I did my darnedest. I said root beer was like chocolate soda with a touch of cinnamon, but you can post a better description in the comments if you have one.

Getting back was fun. The check-in lines were mobbed, as was security, so by the time I finished all that rigamarole my flight was on last call. I ran like Bruce Jenner to my gate, leaping luggage and dodging strollers and was the last person on the plane. Naturally the plane didn't get going until nearly one hour late, so my athletics were as unnecessary as they were unappreciated. My seatmate was quite the Gloomy Gus, and his mood was not improved by the empty plastic water bottle I accidentally dropped on his head. Well. Anyway, I saw the 3rd X-Men film on the way back, though, which was fun though utterly predictable. I got into Philadelphia, had to steal a cab from an autocratic yet inept taxi-Nazi*, and got home to homemade fettucini Alfredo. Did I ever say what a treasure Dan is?

Oh, and I did see the BSG episode that aired whilst I was away, so I am now unspoilerable.

* Isn't there something really odd about this word pairing? I can't take my eyes off it.

Ugh, and ugh

Today I quested to recover my poor Corolla from the clutches of the Towing and Impoundment division of the Philadelphia Parking Authority, who'd seized in Tuesday night because the commonwealth suspended my registration. I got that all squared away with PennDOT, and even took the trip to Traffic Court in stride, but trying to get a cab from court to the impound lot was an ordeal. Dan came with me, though, turning a dreadfully sucky experience into one that merely sucked. I was ultimately successful, and at 1:30 pm today I rescued my car from its Northeast Philly gulag.

I had to write a very pointed and dismayed email to the Pennsylvania Green Party, who wrote me asking for donations to the U.S. Senate campaign of Carl Romanelli. I am a card-carrying member of the Green Party, and would ordinarily be inclined to vote for their candidate but for the fact that Romanelli is pretty much a Republican sock puppet. Seriously, the man has gotten the lion's share of his campaign funding from Santorum supporters who hope to siphon votes away from Bob Casey, Jr. Actually, I'd say it was the dragon's share, because the only non-GOP money Romanelli's gotten is from himself in the amount of about 30 bucks. Pathetic. Anway, I wrote the Greens and told them that I'd be donating zero dollars and fuck-you cents to Romanelli's campaign. Say what you will about Casey, and you could say alot, but at least he's not on Santorum's payroll.

Sometimes liberals can be so damned foolish.

Purity and Politics

I don't know if anyone's been following the 10th district congressional race, but it's become more interesting because of news of the Republican incumbent's affair. Check out my favorite quote from the article:

Some voters will make up their minds on other issues. But the outcome may rest with the likes of Wade Whitney, 75, a Republican since the days of Dwight Eisenhower.

"Sure, the affair matters," he said, standing outside the post office in tiny Dalton. "We don't condone that kind of stuff. A man should be able to resist temptation...

"But I can't bear the idea of the Democrats taking over in Washington. How am I going to vote? I'm up on top of the telephone poll. This is the toughest decision I can remember."

I've always felt that voting on moral values was pretty dumb, but I'm starting to think that, many times, it's also pretty selective. Clinton did essentially the same thing Sherwood did, except Clinton was foolish enough to lie (or at the very least closely pare the truth) about it under oath. Republicans went apeshit over that, and wanted to impeach the man even though most Americans didn't. However, when a Republican fools around on the wrong side of the sheets, then it's all, "Well, he's still better than the Democrats." (Keep in mind that in the 10th district race race the Democrat is not accused of adultery.) In essence, these "values voters" are proving that their dedication to preserving the moral purity of this country extends only to the Republican section of the ballot. Very convenient, that.

(In case you were wondering, I think voting for a politician for moral reasons is pretty foolish. Ain't no politician overly concerned about moral values; their primary purpose is to get reelected, and anyone who loses sight of that deserves exactly what he gets.)

BTW, Outfest was yesterday, so the gayborhood was pretty much off-limits to auto traffic. I saw one festival staffer playing the heavy to drivers frustrated by traffic, and he wasn't getting much respect. I'm guessing that had something to do with the fact that he was at the time wearing an orange sweater tied around his neck and was carrying a crocheted shoulderbag. Not exactly a power-outfit, in my view. And his shoes didn't even match the sweater, for Pete's sake.

The Omen (or How Satan Fucked Up the Apocalyse)

I rented "The Omen" today, and before I start bitching about it, let me say I still basically enjoy it even after who-knows-how-many years. Now on to the bitching.

When I was little and first saw this film* I thought, "Wow! Satan sure is unstoppable in this movie. He kills everyone who opposes him." As an adult, I realize that Satan does indeed kill all of his enemies...but only clumsily, and usually long after it matters. First, there's the nanny, driven to hideous and public suicide to clear the way for the evil governess who will shepherd Damien (the AntiChrist) through his diabolic childhood. Were I the Father of Lies, I'd have arranged for a nice, non-conspicuous traffic accident, something no one would question, instead of an unforgettably horrific death just after the cutting of Damien's fifth birthday cake. Then there's the fallen priest, who gets speared by a lightning rod just after he tells Gregory Peck (foster father to the AntiChrist) everything he needs to know to unravel the tangled web of lies surrounding the birth of his son. Isn't killing him at that point like putting on the condom in the cab ride home? It's bad enough that Satan takes out foster mother Lee Remick to prevent her from having a baby she'd intended to abort anyway, but what makes it worse is that he has to subcontract the job to a five-year-old with a tricycle. Finally, there's the photographer who is fantastically beheaded by a pane of glass...after he's helped Peck get hold of the clutch of sacred daggers needed to put an end to Beelzebub Junior.

Are you seeing a pattern here? Satan's good at causing deaths, but he makes a cat's cradle out of scheduling them. Hell, come to think of it he isn't very good causing them either; remember, it's not the Prince of Darkness who balks Peck in the end, but the good old London PD and their trusty sidearms. I never bought into that Revelations stuff, but even if I did "The Omen" has shown me that Satan's no more likely to bring about the end of the world than Daffy Duck.

*I'm not very easily frightened and never was, so as a child I was allowed to watch all the stuff kids weren't supposed to watch. I saw "The Omen", "The Exorcist", "Audrey Rose" and others of that ilk with nary a bad dream.

Two things

First, Dan told me that the other night he heard me mutter "Sweet!" in my sleep. I really wish I could remember the dream

Second, those of you who were at Movie Night the week before last might remember me talking all this philosophical to Yagathai. That was in response to a question he'd asked me weeks before, which boiled down to this: Should an elected official deceive his/her constituency into supporting a policy that benefits the national interest? It was a tough question, so I took some time to think it over, and now I'm ready to share my answer with the world (or at least the tiny sliver of it that reads this blog). Here goes.

The question put me in mind of a debate in a college political science course over whether democratically elected officials are representatives or trustees of power. At the time I was certain they were the former, simply enacting what they believed the voters would want. Nowadays I tend towards the latter, wanting officials who can responsibly exercise power in our behalf but not necessarily according to our preferences. Of course a good politician (if such exists) would have a bit of both. Anyway that was the framework into which I placed Yagathai's question, and after some consideration I'm finally going to answer the question I promised to answer in the last paragraph. Just to piss off grammar Nazis, I'm going to start a new paragraph.

I think there can be circumstances in which an official could justifiably deceive the electorate into going along with something he/she truly believes serves the public weal. Voters aren't a remarkably analytical bunch, responding better to slogans than sound arguments, and that's a fact no realistic office-holder can (or should) ignore. However, much depends on the policy in question. If we're talking about setting fuel standards or regulating greenhouse gases, deception can be OK; if we're talking about war (the current Iraq fiasco was the back-drop for Yagathai's question), only the truth will serve. The former policies will at worst waste some government money; the latter waste lives. Since a life is the most anyone has to give, no one should be sent to his/her death based on a lie. Yeah, yeah, I know that lies and war are often found in the same company, but that wasn't what I was asked.

Walkin' in the Rain

I did eight miles Saturday in the rain, and it was fun. Foot-hurty, mayhaps, but refreshing. I went up along the Schuykill Banks and then up Kelly Drive. There were a few other walkers out there, but not many. There's one thing to be said for constant rain: It keeps the footpath clear.

Ever notice that after you get rained on you don't feel/smell any cleaner? You just feel/smell rained on? Maybe pre-pollution rain made you feel/smell better, but today's rain just makes me want a shower.

Has anyone read Poul Anderson's Brain Wave? Great premise, but IMO a lousy storytelling. I won't reveal any of the plot, but I'm curious to know what others think.

Love it so much!

On a lark, I bought the first season of "Bewitched" on DVD last night, and I'm having a grand old time watching it.

Before you say it, yes, I know that's really, really gay. I accept this.

Anyway, Elizabeth Montgomery is adorable. If I were straight, she would totally be my fantasy not-wife. Oh, the guest stars! Agnes Moorehead in gauzy garments of lavender and pale green! Maurice Evans in a snazzy tux! Paul Lynde as the jokester bachelor uncle! And, of course, Montgomery herself in a duel role as Cousin Serina, the hippest witch in Morning Glory Circle. To think I questioned this purchase!

You don't get a vote

Does this whole "Is Pluto a planet?" kerfuffle strike anyone as harmful? I'm not talking about the honest scientific debate; I'm talking about public outcry over the prospect of stripping Pluto of its status as the 10th planet in the solar system. I was reading about teachers getting children to write letters in support of keeping Pluto a planet, and I couldn't help but think that this approach to scientific debate is harmful.

I realize that many Americans (myself included) grew up learning in school that the solar system had nine planets, and we carefully memorized their names. So what? At one time people believed that the world was flat, but when it became obvious it wasn't, they got over it. Scientists have certain standards a heavenly body must meet to be classified as a planet, and Pluto didn't make it. Too bad. However, the idea that popular opinion should have weight in that debate just strikes me as wrong, wrong wrong. That's the kind of thinking that gets you "intelligent design."

On an unrelated topic, I've been slowly memorizing the words to "One Night in Bangkok", which until this week I didn't know was from a show. I also discovered that I had already memorized the lyrics of "I've Been to Paradise (But I've Never Been to Me)." Isn't that awful? Think about it...some producer sat in a recording studio and thought, "Yeah, Charlene, that's gold."

My favorite Democrat

Do you know why Ed Rendell is my favorite Democrat? One, because he's a smart guy who knows how to compromise and doesn't get sidetracked on foolish issues like posting the Ten Commandments here there and everywhere. Two, because his campaign staff says funny things, like so.

Gubernatorial candidate Lynn Swann has written a book that details his plans for Pennsylvania should the voters be foolish enough to send him to Harrisburg. (The "foolish" part is my add-in; I don't imagine Swann would put that in his book.) Anyway, he plans to hand out the book for free at campaign events, but otherwise charge $10 for it. Uh, Lynn...most voters can't be bothered to look up the location of their polling places; do you honestly think they want to spend ten bucks on a book that tells them what you should be telling them for free?

Excerpt from the book:

"My opponent tries to dismiss me as a mere football player who doesn't understand government... . The mind-set this criticism reveals - that politics is best left to the career politicians - only shows which one of us is really out of touch."

Response from the Rendell campaign:

"I do not dismiss him as a mere football player who doesn't have experience. I dismiss him as an unbelievably fantastic football player who doesn't have experience."

And that's why Rendell is my favorite Democrat.

Vote Sith in '08!

At first I thought the suggestion of voting the Sith into the White House was a joke, but now that I think about it I'm more and more inclined to favor this. Say what you will about Palpatine, but the man had a rational (if evil) plan for governance and he knew how to win a war. That's a step up from what we've got now.

The other day I was walking by a construction site peopled by all these burly, man's-man guys. Out of their radio came Bette Midler singing, "The Rose." Ah...that kind of man's man.

I've come to learn that the combination of perfectionism and incompetence is a truly toxic thing.

I'm currently reading John Dean's "Conservatives Without Conscience." Great book. Buy it now. I'm also reading a collection of Robert E. Howard's Conan novellas, which I got at Between Books in Delaware. Between Books is the only thing that redeems Delaware in my personal estimation; otherwise that state could be sold to the Chinese to repay a fraction of our national debt. Then you could at least get good fried rice in Wilmington.

The Sweet Smell of Desperation

The Philadelphia Inquirer reported today a successful attempt by the Santorum campaign to link Bob Casey Jr. to Al-Jazeerah. Unfortunately, it was the wrong Al-Jazeerah. Good going, Rick.

My favorite part of the piece is how the Santorum folks refuse to back down. Like a good Republican, Santorum knows that if you never back down, even from a foolish statement, some people will take you seriously and assume you know what you're talking about.

Some Comeuppance

Apparently, the City of Philadelphia has finally worked up the nerve to tell the Boy Scouts that they can't have it both ways. Thanks to the Supreme Court, the BSA is legally allowed to exclude gays, but accordingly to Philadelphia ordinance, any group that does so is ineligible for city funds. That includes the local Scouts chapter headquarters at 22nd and Winter, in which the Scouts have resided rent-free for decades. Naturally the Scouts are crying discrimination, which is a hoot and a half since they started this whole business, and are threatening legal action. Evidently the Scouts want the benefits of being a private organization in terms of discrimination along with the ability to suckle at the public teat.

To satisfy my own pointless curiousity, I went to the Boy Scouts Web site to find out just what being a Scout means. Here's a direct quote:

"A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent."

Too bad consistent and intellectually honest aren't on that list. In the days that come, however, perhaps they'll add litigious.

A new boob

Alan Keyes, with his burning desire to repeal the 17th Amendment, used to hold my "Craziest Politician" title, but I think Katherine Harris may be ready to wrest it away. You may remember the Honorable Ms. Harris from the 2000 election fiasco, in which she did all she could as Florida's secretary of state to ensure that her buddy George Bush (on whose campaign team she then worked) took the state's 25 electoral votes. Two years later she won a seat in the House of Representatives, thus accounting for the "honorable" part of her name. (Payola, anyone?) Well, her Senate campaign is floundering under constant staff changes, lack of funding and discouragement from most major Florida Republicans, but now news surfaces about her penchant for waving dead interns. Gee...it couldn't happen to a nicer election-fixer.

On an unrelated topic, I was thinking about "The Brady Bunch" the other day, and wondering why on earth the Bradys needed a maid. Sure, there were eight of 'em in that house, but it's not as if Carol was busting heavies in an office all day, out-earning her hubbie. I seem to recall her occasionally bringing in bags of groceries, but I don't remember her ever taking up a broom or sponge. Also, Alice worked for the Brady's for how many years and still addressed and referred to Carol as "Mrs. Brady." And do you remember the episode in which Alice had to leave to care for a sick relative for a week or so? She got her cousin to stand in for her (said cousin being Ann B. Davis in a duel role), but I can't be the only one to wonder why a family with two adults and at least two children in their mid-teens can't cope for a week without domestic help.

I watched the show as a child, and looking back I recall that it was pure fantasy to me. I grew up in what would twenty years later be called a crack slum, on a household budget in which fruit juice was a luxury, and these people have an enormous house with a maid. I might as well have been watching "Babylon 5" for all that I could personally relate.

Now I post more than Tim...

I can use his real name since I won't tell you his blog name. Or Live Journal name. I think that's OK to do, and if it isn't I guess he and I will have to fight it out with daggers on the brink of a Lucas-pit.

The other day I was thinking about this whole flag-burning hoo-ha...I always know spring has arrived when Congress wheels out the flag-burning amendment for another run. Man, but that thing has seen more traffic than I-95! I could burn the U.S. Constitution on any corner in this country and most Americans wouldn't bat an eye, but let me take a Bic to a colored piece of cloth and about two-thirds of 'em go ballistic. That's a pretty sad statement about the quality of most American's love of country.

I recently changed cubicles in my office, and was therefore the recipient of many inquiries that went, "So how do you like your new cube?" How am I supposed to answer that? The damned thing is square and beige, much like the last, and when I am there I have to do things I don't like. At first I tried witty responses like, "I tan way better over here" or "You can't beat the property values on this side of the office." Neither of those went over very well, so now I just say, "Fine." That's probably all they wanted to hear anyway.

Boo-yah!

My proposal writing course is over, and I am pleased to report I got a big, fat "A." Almost makes 14 weeks of graduate work shoved into 5 feel worth it. Almost.

Pennsylvania is now reaping the grim harvest of its decision to repeal the motorcycle helmet law. Gee...who'd have thought the incidence of head injuries sustained in motorcycle accidents would dramatically increase after telling cyclists they needn't bother with helmets? I've heard all the arguments about personal freedom, but if cyclists should be free to ride helmetless then we, the taxpayers, should be free to not treat their injuries on the commonwealth's nickel. Since that's not gonna happen, I say we make 'em wear helmets. Besides, what about the freedom of those of us who drive automobiles? Shouldn't we have the option of not wearing our seatbelts? Finally, in the commonwealth of Pennsylvania driving is a privilege, not a right, so forcing cyclists to wear helmets isn't infringing on their rights. Not vetoing that repeal was one of the few things Governor Rendell has done with which I strongly disagreed.

Wah!

I've spent more than six hours on my stupid proposal, and it's still not done. Hate this class! Hate it so much! Valuable experience, but hate! When this class is over I'm going to buy a bunch of books and read the hell out of 'em.

The Inquirer published my letter to the editor today, and since I let them publish my email address I got lots of kind messages from appreciative readers. I also got a disjointed missive of venom from some nutjob in West Chester. I guess if I had to live in West Chester I'd be angry, too.

A couple of cuties moved into one of the empty the apartments in my building, but my main interest in them is wondering if I can get them to play Ultimate on Saturdays. Go ahead and pass your amendment, Pennsylvania...I'm still just as boring as a married guy!

An evening of the damned!

I just rented "Village of the Damned", which for those of you who don't know is a great horror movie that was naturally incompetently remade in the 90's. To add insult to injury, Kirstie Alley was cast in the remake, and she is one of my most unfavorite actors of all time. (Evidently Charo was not available.) But I digress. The DVD also contains the little-known sequel "Children of the Damned," which I've not seen but am eager to watch. I'm sure it will be awful, and that only increases my eagerness. I wonder if Dan knows what he's getting into...

Tonight is a well-deserved break from my proposal writing class, which is the current bane of my existence. It's taught fairly well and all that, but it's fourteen weeks of work crammed into five, meaning I have readings and assignments just about all the time. Blech. I must say, however, that proposal writing as a craft is kinda fun. I'm enjoying researching grant organizations and angling the proposal for maximum impact. I think I could do that for a living.

Back to paragraph one. The woman at the video store was just the prettiest thing you could want, and wearing a t-shirt that showed off the, uh, northern hemisphere to best advantage. I can completely understand what straight guys see in women, I really can.

A hearty giggle...

...was had by me when I read about this. Lynn Swann provides further evidence, if any more were needed, that he doesn't have the sand to be Pennsylvania's governor. Why, you ask? Any move to reduce the size of the legislature would involve an act of the legislature, which means members would be voting themselves out of a job. I'm thinking that a body that voted itself a pay raise in the dead of night and then circumvented the state constitution so they could collect it early isn't likely to experience the sudden rush of civic-mindedness such an act would require. Call me cynical if you must, but that's my view. Good luck with that, Lynn. Dummy.

On another topic, whoever isn't playing Galactic Civilizations II is really missing out. If you've ever hankered to tread across the galaxy like a great titan of doom, you need to try this game.

Now it's two things

I don’t mean to bring anyone down, but this has been on my mind since it happened, and I’m hoping blogging will help me get over it.

Yesterday morning, Dan and I were enjoying a brisk walk on Lombard Street, heading west, when at 17^th we saw some kind of commotion about a half-block ahead. A woman walking toward us, who was closer, saw it too, and when she turned and hurried in that direction I knew something was wrong. I saw a guy in a white t-shirt running around the corner away from a woman now sitting on a step, and when Dan and I ran over, she was bleeding from a cut on her nose. Turns out that two guys held her up at gunpoint, took her purse, then to add injury to injury, whacked her across the face with the gun. Yep…evidently robbing her and scaring her out of her wits wasn’t enough. I suppose I should be grateful they hit her with the gun instead of shooting her with it, but come on! What kind of person does that?

Obviously there wasn’t much we could do except call the police and wait with her until they arrived. I went in the direction the muggers had gone, hoping they’d discarded her purse once they took her valuables (wallet, cash, etc.), but either they didn’t drop it or I didn’t see it. She was completely freaked out, in no small part because these thugs had her apartment keys and her ID, which means they now have an all-access pass to her home. You know, just in case the trauma of robbery wasn’t enough, there was also the hovering fear of future violence. In her home.

At first I was just sort of scared and sympathetic, but after about fifteen minutes I got really, really angry. It’s not that I’ve never heard of this sort of thing before; not only did I grow up in a slum, but someone I know was mugged in the not-too-distant past. Seeing the actual event, though, made it more real somehow, and more infuriating. I found myself hoping that she had scorpions in that purse that would sting those thugs and make them swell up like autumn pumpkins or something. For a second I thought, “Dammit, I should start voting Republican!” but then I remembered that they’d just send more money to Iraq and not really cut crime.

Later that day in work, I spoke to a coworker who said she's currently growing her hair out so that she can donate it to an organization that makes wigs from donated hair for kids with cancer. That made me feel better than any thought of retribution against those muggers. (Although a purse of scorpions is nothing to despise, either.)

Have you ever noticed...

...that when someone says, "I'm not racist, but..." that he/she's about to say something racist?

So the Governator is sending the National Guard to patrol the California borders. Here's the man himself:

"We are doing this, may I remind you, reluctantly,'' Schwarzenegger said. ``It's not my preference to send the National Guard to do this mission. But under the circumstances, to help the federal government to secure our borders, because that is our No. 1 concern.''

So he's reluctantly seeing to the state's #1 concern? Uh-huh...Arnold, I hear they're filming "Red Sonja II", so if you leave now you'll just have time to warm up the Hummer.

Building fences and patrolling borders to keep out immigrants is like leaving three weeks' of leftovers on the kitchen floor and then deciding that the way to fight the bugs is to surround it with roach traps. If we truly want to stem the flow of illegal immigrants, we'd do alot better to make sure nobody wants to hire them. Those folks aren't sneaking in from Mexico to see "X-Men 3", after all; they're coming to make money. I think capitalism has taught us that where there is a demand there will be a supply, so as long as there's work the border-jumpers will keep jumping.

Still, there's something amusing about us building hundreds of miles of fence to keep out the people who make possible the cheap produce and housing Americans won't do without. Sad and amusing.

I Have Seen My Alternate-Universe Self

The other day, whilst near 11th & Locust, I saw this obviously deranged homeless guy coming towards me, muttering to himself. I thought it was just standard psycho-mumbling, which every Center City dweller knows well, but it turned out to be way better. The homeless guy was not just talking to imaginary people, but complaining about the clothing of another man on the street who was wearing the straight-boy summer uniform (striped, short-sleeved polo shirt, khaki shorts and flip-flops) . Yes...he was disparaging the clothing of passers-by.

I love the city.

Answers, please

This being an election day, whilst out walking this morning I pondered this burning question: Should Americans who don't vote be penalized?

I used to be a dedicated non-voter, so for me to even consider such a thing is pretty darn surprising. Although I'm loath to penalize people for failing to exercise a right, at the same time our democracy* does not function properly when less than half the eligible population bothers to cast a ballot. I'm honestly divided about it, and I'm curious to hear what others think.

* BTW, don't tell me, "But we live in a republic, not a democracy", because it's the same damned thing. A republic is governed by democratically elected officials, so although the US is not a direct democracy, it's a democracy nonetheless. One of my pet peeves is pointing out the meaningless distinction between the two, so don't do it or I'll think mean things about you.

Did anyone see this movie?

Before I get to the movie part, I realize I have abused my exclamation point privileges in my recent blog headers. I acknowledge your unspoken scorn.

Now with the movie. Dan was off in the wilds of North Jersey today, so I had opportunity to claim the sofa as my own and watch movies most of the day. (This was preceded by a five-mile walk in gorgeous weather...how can anyone stay inside on a day like this?) Has anyone seen "The Grizzly Man"? Am I uncharitable for thinking Timothy Treadwell was mentally unbalanced? First of all, he was the most nelly-sounding straight man you're likely to run across. Second, he vacillated between peace-and-love nature burbling and voice-cracking near-hysterical rage at the federal park agents who were apparently his nemeses. Third, he interpreted smiley faces on rocks as threats. Admittedly, the first thing doesn't indicate unbalanced, but the others definitely put Treadwell in the I'll-boil-your-rabbit category. Except I guess he wouldn't boil your rabbit, being all naturery.

While I'm blogging, can I say how much I am enjoying Galactic Civilizations II? Now that I have the chance to captain a galactic power, I understand how Dan and Sarcasmo got so evil playing Sim City. For example, when in one game the Terran Alliance failed to respond to my best efforts at diplomacy, I let my space marines take over negotiations. Nothin' like blowing up sixteen frigates to get someone's attention. One game before that I played paladin by liberating planets conquered by the Iconian Refuge and giving them away for free to the other, less powerful races. Of course, I made sure to place historic enemies next to each other to ensure they'd fight each other and not me. That's why the sun never set on my empire. The other night I won a technology victory, which means our tech got so good my people just turned into energy beings and floated away. That was nice, but what I really wanted was to go all Vorlon and influence the other races into fighting for my edification and pleasure. Stupid lesser races.

Again with the Sex Dwarf!

Another great night of dancing at Sex Dwarf, this time with a B-52's theme. Babyraven was a knockout in a black velvet dress, high boots, and a blonde hair extension that, in her words, made her a cross between Jeannie (as in I Dream Of) and Madonna in her "Blonde Icon" days. Truth be told, she was in good company; there were lots of fine-looking women there. Either I'm getting straight or else the male beauty quotient was pretty low that night.

(Don't all rush to comment that it must have been the latter. I already know.)

Anyway, part of the B-52's theme was wigs, big wigs, and lots of 'em were pink, so every time I turned around I saw Cyn. It was both sad and disturbing, and I shared this with Babs and Mouserobot. MR said they were Cyn-posters, and I upped the ante by calling them Cyn-thetic. Babs just shook her head and said, "That shit ain't right."

What is right, however, is that next month is the Sex Dwarf prom, and I'm all drooly over it. (This is due in no small amount to the fact that the only way I was going to my senior prom was if I could sit in the rafters with a bucket of blood.) So many unanswered questions! Will we slow dance to "Eternal Flame"? Will we pose for pictures under an ivy-entwined trellis? Will we get to elect a prom queen? Probably not, but it will no doubt still be a blast.

Me in Print!

Yay! The Winter 2006 issue of Rhapsoidia was finally released, which marks the first print publication of my short story "Sidney's Gift." Trust me, that sucker was rejected many, many times, but I guess persistence (or outright stubbornness) pays...in a single contributor copy, anyway. I'll order more when they're available for sale, as I am certain my mother will be all over me for one.

I'd thought of having a got-published party, but that seemed a bit forward since it's only a small literary rag that maybe 300 people will read, and for which I was paid zilch. If I'm to celebrate that kind of milestone, I had as well plan the somebody-breathed party, or the day-that-ends-in"y" party. Still, it's nice to finally see that story in print; it really is the strongest thing I've ever written. Of course, when I look at it these days all I can see are the mistakes, but I suppose that's natural. Still...yay me!

I saw Mr. Sulu!

As you know, George Takei, who played Mr. Sulu on "Star Trek", recently outed himself, and since then he's been doing speaking tours for the Human Rights Campaign. Tonight was the inaugural speech, and Dan and I were there. It was great! Takei was a great speaker, and he has a really infectious laugh. His speech was short (about 10 minutes) but stirring, and he had Q&A for nearly an hour afterward. There were about sixty or seventy people there, and they by and large asked great questions. He then hung around to speak with folks, sign autographs, etc., but we cut out at that point. I'm a bit leery of asking celebrities for autographs; it always makes me feel intrusive. I realize Takei does this for a living, but I still can't shake the feeling.

Takei talked about his childhood growing up in the Japanese-American internment camps, and he was so eloquent I couldn't help but feel a sense of shame for my own country. (Interning American of Japanese decent was not good...suck it, Michele Malkin!) Still, he spoke mostly of his sense of pride in America, and it was a good reminder that, even with a country under such fucked-up leadership as ours, that the US is a great place to be.

Oh, and can I say it's awesome that a sister was driving the Enterprise?

Yay for the Bay State!

As it has in same sex marriage, looks like Massachusetts is trying to lead the way on health care for all.

It's about damned time, I say. Experts say that, in the not-too-distant future, the US will spend 40% of its GNP on health care, and I just heard on NPR News a study that concluded that Americans spend more on health care and get less than about ten other nations, including Canada, England and New Zealand. Call me crazy, but I don't think the world's remaining superpower should rank behind New Zealand in anything, and particularly not something as basic and critically important as health care. The time has come for a universal health care program.

In response, I'm always hearing, "I don't want to spend my money taking care of others' health." Newsflash: We already do. Who do you think picks up the tab for those homeless people who nearly freeze to death and wind up in the ER? Or the indigent people who can't afford preventative care and wind up using (much more expensive) emergency care? That's right...the taxpayer foots the bill for all of it, except we do it when it's most expensive. Let me propose the following example to illustrate my point.

• Scenario A: Insured Tracker comes down with a nasty case of a sore throat, which unbeknownst to him is strep throat. Tracker goes to his primary care physician (at a cost of about $150), finds out the nature of his illness, and gets a prescription for an antibiotic (at a cost of about $15 to the pharmaceutical company) that clears up the infection within two weeks.
• Scenario B: Uninsured Tracker, who can't cough up the $150 for the visit, tries to wait out the sore throat, hoping for the best. When his illness becomes life-threatening he goes to the ER to find that he had strep which, having gone untreated, has now turned into a dandy case of rubella. Tracker is admitted to the hospital, which spends tens of thousands of dollars trying to save his life.

Most of you reading this are U.S. taxpayers, so I ask: Which scenario is the most cost-effective? If you said "Scenario A", you are correct; if you said, "Scenario B", you're lying because it's obvious that answer's wrong.

Gotta do it, folks, if only for economic reasons. I'm not advocating that we abolish private health care; those who can pay more should be able to get more. However, every citizen deserves at least the protection of a catastrophic health care plan. It's not just morally wise; it's fiscally responsible.

South Dakota...we dislike women AND judges

Besides the recent draconian abortion ban, here's another reason not to move to South Dakota, if any other reason were needed.

My favorite part of this proposed amendment is this...

"No immunity shall extend to any judge of this State for any deliberate violation of law, fraud or conspiracy, intentional violation of due process of law, deliberate disregard of material facts..." (Emphasis added.)

Just what does it mean to "disregard material facts"? That might mean a judge who issues an unpopular ruling can be penalized, because everyone knows that [insert issue name here] is just wrong, and the only way a judge could rule in favor of it was if he ignored the facts of the case. Very handy.

I'd like to suggest that South Dakota enact another amendment, one that outlaws deliberate fucking assholery on the part of the legislature.

Why don't they just call it GOP News?

Check out this Fox News interview with Dick Durbin.

The interviewer makes barely an effort to appear unbiased. This is my favorite part:

Chris Wallace: Senator, I want to follow up on this, because I'm a little bit surprised. You're saying that President Bush, who is the commander in chief in a time of war — you're not ruling out the possibility that he has broken the law, committed high crimes and misdemeanors, and could be subject to impeachment.

Why didn't he just say, "Senator, you're saying that a man who loves puppies and Valentine's Day, who donates excessively to charity and is oh-so-sweet to his wife could possibly have done anything wrong?"

Durbin, to his credit, refuses to be drawn, and for once I don't think it was just political double-speak. Of course he can't rule out impeachment; he needs to know more about Bush's wiretapping activities. Asking a U.S. senator if a president will be impeached if the Democrats gain control of Congress is like asking the D.A. for an indictment before an arrest has been made. It's just not something you can do.

How can anyone think Fox News is anything but a Republican mouthpiece?

And we wonder why...

...the world fears us. The United States struck a blow for less UN oversight of human rights issues worldwide. Some favorite quotes:

After voting against the new body, U.S. Ambassador John Bolton said his government is concerned that the UN members did not go far enough in ensuring that the council will have credibility.

Uh-huh. I'd say the biggest credibility gap lies with the US, author of such abuse-aramas as Guantanemo Bay and Abu-Graib. At least places like Uganda admit they torture people.

Mr. Bolton said the United States wanted council members elected by a two-thirds vote rather than a majority, and wanted a more efficient mechanism for booting violators off the council.

This from a guy who has yet to be approved by the Senate even by a majority vote, much less two-thirds. He'd better watch out the Senate doesn't boot him off the UN.

Folder Torture

The part of my office in which I work is pretty quiet, and there aren’t many people in the immediate area, so any noise can be quickly traced to its source. Just keep that in mind as I tell this.

I was trying to fit some labels I had designed into the spines of three-ring binders, and having a hell of a time not bending or tearing the labels. Just before I got to the level of frustration that equals hostage-taking, I asked the folks in the copy center how they do it. They told me they use the thin metal rail from a hanging file folder to guide the label into the binder sleeve. With this information, I returned to my desk, got out a spare hanging file and some scissors, and proceeded to cut the rail free.

QUORK! QUORK! QUORK!

That was the alarming sound of the scissors against the folder. It was unbelievably loud, as if some giant, prehistoric bird of prey was roosting in my cubicle and crying out its defiance. Before heads starting popping up over cubicle walls to see this great avian, I started nonchalantly checking my email, as if I hadn’t heard anything amiss. When the coast was clear, I returned to my cutting, this time working slowing and gently.

QQQUUUUOOORRRKKK! QQQUUUOOORRRKKK!

The sound was more prolonged but no quieter. I made as if I was absorbed in my email again, and when things had settled down, I adopted another tactic. I snipped gently at the folder to start the cut, then tore away the rest of the paper with my hands.

QUORK SSSSSHHHHHHPPPP! QUORK SSSSSHHHHHHPPPP!

I realized that, no matter what I did, that file folder was determined to raise its great voice, so I gave up on subtlety and had at it, quorking my way along until the job was done. The little metal rail was perfect for guiding the labels into the binder spines, by the way, so torturing this file folder was not without benefit.

My Second Biggest Laugh of the Day

Donald Rumsfeld, speaking before the Senate Appropriations Committee about Iraq:

"But the country is not in a civil war at the present time by most experts' calculation."

Umm...Don, if you have to bring in experts to evaluate if a nation is in a state of civil war, chances are, it is.

My biggest laugh of the day came whilst listening to Radio Times on WHYY. Tom Ferrick was discussing Pennsylvania politics, and he remarked that, in the governor's race, deeply conservative voters were going to have a terrible choice: They must choose between a black man from western Pennsylvania and Jew from Philadelphia. Tee-hee!

The Problem with Fear...

...is that, when used politically, it can turn on its wielder.

The Bush administration has spent the better part of five years telling the American people to fear all things Muslim, and now it wants us to turn our ports over to...Muslims. Hmm. So Muslims are too dangerous to let on our planes and in our buildings, but they'll do a super job running our ports?

Also, may I say it's about time Congress remembered that it, too, is mentioned in the Constitution? In fact, I believe the Constitution sets forth the makeup and powers of Congress way before it gets to the president. Let's check the document.

::riffles through files::

Here we are. Article I, Section 1:

All legislative powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate and a House of Representatives.

The noble document doesn't get to the president until Article II. That means that Congress has duties and powers all its own, and not just those delegated by the White House. Let's hope they remember that. I didn't send 19 reps and two senators to Washington to run Bush's errands, and I think most Pennsylvanians feel the same.

Now this is moxie!

This woman struck a blow for the elderly, but next time she might want to get herself a getaway driver.

Oooh! I hate them so much!

This really frosts my cookies. Earlier this year the state of Maryland passed a law (over its governor's veto) that would force the Wal-Mart's of the world to stop sucking off the public teat, but such a thing doesn't seem likely in Pennsylvania, and it's a shame.

We're told by conservatives that the "free market" is preferable to government interference, and that everything would be just fine and dandy if we'd just cut people off welfare and let private industry handle things. Uh-huh. Evidently it's OK when the private industry is the recipient of said welfare. That's what the corporate fucks call "externalizing costs", which is a eupemistic way of saying they're letting the taxpayers absorb the price of their greed. That's like when companies move from cities to lower-taxed suburban office parks, leaving the commuting costs to their employees and, ultimately, the taxpayers.

Oh, and by the way, there is no such thing as a "free market." Markets are constructions of humanity, not laws of nature like gravity. People create markets, and can damn well make sure they operate to the benefit of the many and not the few. If you have any doubt about this, just remember that it was government action that created the modern housing market, with guaranteed mortgage programs through the FHA. The government also enabled the construction of all those cozy suburban developments through investment in roads, utilities, and all of the other necessities of life. Free market...are you kidding?

Some of my favorite sayings

• Once you pay Danegeld, you never get rid of the Dane.*
• A guilty conscience is its own accuser.
• To mourn a mischief past and gone is the next way to bring new mischief on.*
• Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas.
• Short cuts make long delays**
• Where will wants not, a way opens.**
• There will be water if God wills it; we will find it if God wills it; we will drink it if God wills it.+

*Courtesy of Rudyard Kipling. Shut up, Dan!
**Courtesy of William Shakespeare
***Courtesy of JRR Tolkien
+Take this in an atheist sort of way.

Hey Inventors!

Last night Dan and I went to dinner with some friends of mine from out of state. Somehow, through a nexus of conversation about drugs and 70's children's toys, Dan proposed the EasyBake Meth Lab. That was the funniest damn thing I heard all day.

I'm in my third week at TNJ (The New Job, for those who don't remember), and most of the people there seem OK. They seriously need to discover the wonders of Quark; designing in Word is like trying to tie your shoes while wearing oven mitts. It's strange to go from being the most junior design person to the most senior, but don't take that as any testament to my design skills. A17th-century doctor only looks great when his patients are the Clan of the Cave Bear.

I love the Rules!

Have you ever heard of "The Rules"? These two women, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, wrote a book of dating do's and don't's for women, known as "The Rules." I'd heard of the book, but not until I paged through it at a bookstore did I realize the treasure trove of fun it truly is. Here's a few of the rules from "The Rules" for your amusement, along with my commentary.

Show up to parties, dances and social events even if you do not feel like it. This is so women can meet as many men as possible, and on the surface it sounds like good advice. Until, that is, you realize that when you attend a party when you'd rather be somewhere else you're not showing yourself at your best. Men will pick up on this, and the good ones will stay away while the bad ones swarm right in.

If you are in a long-distance relationship, he must visit you at least three times before you visit him. I'm not sure why it's three and not thirty, but Ellen and Sherrie wouldn't steer you wrong.

Close the deal; Rules women do not date men for more than two years. You see, women really just want to get married, so dating and relationships aren't about forming deep emotional bonds or getting to know yourself and someone else alot better. Women date to marry, and thus the walk down the aisle is just like signing the contract.

There are many other rules, of which I can paraphrase a few:

• You only call him once for ever three calls he makes.
• You never ask a man out on a date.
• Never accept a date for Saturday after Wednesday, even if it means sitting home alone.
• If a woman uses a dating service, she must place the ad and let men respond to her, not the other way around.
  

It goes on and on, but you get the drift. Essentially, "The Rules" supports a very archaic, sexist notion of male and female relationship roles, summed up as follows. Men pursue women. Women do not pursue men. If a woman pursues a man, he will quickly lose interest and wander. The only reliable way for a woman to bag a man is to pretend to be a mystery and to act like he needs her more than she needs him. Men are not really shy, so if there's one you fancy who seems reticent around you, it's not because he might be intimidated by your wit and charm, but because he's just not very interested. If you ask him out first, you are guaranteeing that your relationship will not work out. Sorry, gals.

Sheesh...isn't dating tough enough without dealing with playing games? Although I come at things from a different angle than women, I too have dated men (have I!) and I know well the challenges involved. Trust me...in my younger days I accepted treatment that, to think about it now, gets me scratching my head and saying, "Wha fuck?" No matter how bad things got I never resorted to game-playing, believing that being honest about myself, with myself, and with others was the best policy. Once I combined that policy with a measure of self-confidence, I found myself dating men whose memory doesn't give me any "Wha fuck?" moments. And I didn't need that crazy book to do it.

By the way, go to "The Rules" Web site and check out the celebrity testimonials. Yeah, right...when you have to get Destiny's Child to talk up your work, you know you're in trouble.

Two too many

Peter Benchley and Andreas Katsulas die in one week? What the fuck is going on? Since my outrage does not good, I'll have to settle for remembrance.

I read "Jaws" when I was, oh, nine or ten, and I liked it then despite the fact that at the time I didn't understand words like "megalodon" from Hooper or "prick" from Quint. (I never asked my mother the meaning of either, which looking back was probably best.) A simple story told well, and in my opinion those are usually the best ones.

"Babylon 5" was a delight I discovered only long after it had gone off the air. Back in June of '03 I had undergone some nose surgery which kept me in bed for three or four days, and those who know me know that I'm not good at sitting idle. Sarcasmo lent me the first season of B5 on DVD, and it not only helped pass the time, it became a new passion. So much so, in fact, that four days after my surgery I hobbled out to the mall video store, pale as a sheet and dribbling blood from my nose, to buy Season Two. I'll bet the few shoppers watching me shamble by thought they were in a remake of "Dawn of the Dead." Katsulas played G'Kar, my favorite B5 character, and he was an integral part of that show. The sci-fi world is poorer without him.

Rest in peace, guys.

What's going on in England?

I am very distressed to hear that the land which contains my very favorite place in the universe is enacting all sorts of strange laws. Currently on the table are proposals to ban speech that "glorifies" terrorism, and national ID cards that contain all manner of biological information (fingerprints, retinal patterns, etc.). Does Tony Blair realize that "1984" is a cautionary tale, and not a government playbook?

All of this is straining my love of the land of Madam George and roses.

Things I Learned This Weekend

1. Essays written by high school students are just painful.
2. Snow is fun only when you don't have to shovel it or drive through it.
3. Starbuck's new 'do annoys me.
   
4. "Jackie Brown" is as good on the third viewing as it was the first.

The First Day

I had my first day at The New Job. Since I'd rather not name my employer here, let's just call the company TNJ.

First of all, first days at jobs always suck. No matter how nice and polite and friendly and helpful everyone is, they just suck. You don't know anyone, you get lost easily, everyone's checking out the new guy/gal, all of that. Still, all that aside, it was a decent day minus first-day suckitude.

One thing that stuck out about TNJ was that just about everyone was physically attractive. Seriously. Even the older folks in their fifties and sixties were cute. That made me wonder if TNJ thought I made the grade or if they wanted me around for contrast. Another thing that stuck out was that this was a company that was doing well, which was quite the difference after six years at an organization that spent that time in a slow downward spiral.

Oh, and it's very cute to hear people who think that Microsoft Word is some kind of miracle tool. They're all like, "Did you know you can create style sheets?", and I'm like, "How cute!" The poor suckers.

I've been tagged

PinkHairedGirl tagged me for the following meme, so I dutifully reply...

Four jobs you have had in your life

1. Foot messenger for a law office. No, I wasn't delivering feet.
2. Permissions assistant for a medical publisher. This was getting annoying people to do stuff they didn't want to do. Even worse than it sounds.
3. Production assistant at a university. A job I held proudly for less than two months.
4. Editorial assistant at a university. A job I held proudly for nine months.
   

Four movies you could watch over and over

1. Alien
2. Carrie
3. The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane
4. Aliens
   

Four places you have lived

1. Eep. Compared to Pinkie, I come up woefully short on this one. I'll pass.
   

Four TV shows you love to watch

1. Alien Nation. I almost sobbed when this was canceled, and I very much enjoy watching it on DVD.
2. Battlestar Galactica. The new one, natch.
3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Seasons 1-3 only)
4. Babylon 5
   

Four places you have been on vacation

1. London, my favorite place in the universe
2. San Francisco
   
3. Montreal
4. Toronto
   

Four websites you visit daily

1. Gmail
2. Philly.com
3. Sarcasmo's Corner
4. The Weather Channel

Four places you'd rather be right now

1. London
2. A suburb of London
3. In a plane on the way to London
4. In a cab on the way to the airport for a flight to London (Are you seeing a pattern here?)
   

Four bloggers you are tagging.

Nobody. I'm too lazy.