Monday, November 17, 2003

The Worst Date I Ever Had

I thought I'd relate this story because I feel masochistic or something. I'll relate the lessons I learned along the way as well, except you'll get them in order and at the time I should have learned them. See how nice I am?

I met this guy who was an R.N. Fool that I was, I thought, "Hmm...that profession requires a high level of trust and responsibility. That must show in his personal life."

Lesson #1: A man's profession has zero to do with the quality of person he is. A doctor of impeccable repute can still be a lying sack of dirt marked "Danger!" in pink flashing neon letters.

We did a lunch date first, and then proceeded to an evening date. He proposed the Cartwheel, a club in New Hope, and I agreed.

Lesson #2: Stay away from clubs until at least the fourth date.

He said if I drove to his place, he'd drive us the rest of the way to New Hope. I agreed.

Lesson #3: Until the fourth date, always have your own transportation.

When we arrived, he asked me repeatedly if I knew this song or that song, and I told him repeatedly that I did not listen regularly to dance music, club music, or popular music.

Lesson #4: If a man asks you the same question twice on one date, and you've answered twice, he's not listening and flee.

He rarely spoke to me for our time at the Cartwheel, and spent a good deal of our time checking out other guys.

Lesson #5: When a man checks out other guys at a time he's supposed to be checking out you, he's wasting your time and flee.

He got completely hammered and thus I was forced to drive us back in his car. He handed me the keys and went off for a last bathroom visit before we left. I weighed his car keys in my hand as I weighed the choice before me: Do the honorable thing and wait for him to return, or get in the car and leave that rat bastard in the dust. I chose the honorable path and waited.

Lesson #6: Honor sucks.

If you've ever taken River Road, you'll know it's dark, narrow and twisty, and full of deer. Given that I was driving an unfamiliar car that wasn't mine, I elected to drive conservatively. Naturally, he felt free to complain about my driving, which made my hands clench knuckle-whiteningly.

Lesson #7: You can drive home an unconscious man just as easily as one who is awake.

Two geological ages later, I pulled into the parking lot at his apartment complex, turned off the car, and just about broke my legs getting back to my car. Scientists would have us believe it is impossible to attain infinite speed, but my 1993 Toyota Corolla proved them all wrong. I was taking no chances on him trying to kiss me or something.

I hope you've learned something from this post, because I sure did. I learned that date is more fun to talk about than to actually have endured.

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