Tuesday, October 28, 2003

The Best Boyfriend

As is widely known, I love "Carrie", just love it. One of the reasons for my affection is Tommy Ross (played by William Katt), who was the awesomest boyfriend ever. He was good-looking, funny, smart, athletic, and was willing to do the right thing even though he really didn't want to. He was also tres romantic, as he demonstrated during that spin-around dance with Carrie at the prom. Ugh. Save me.

Anyway, a few years back I wrote these song lyrics (which are still looking for music) about Tommy Ross. They are entitled, appropriately, "Be My Tommy Ross." For the ages, here they are:

That shower scene was worth it 'cause it made your girlfriend all guilty
She made you take me to the prom, a kind of adolescent apology
But she never thought the night would end up with we two crowned as king and queen
While Betty Buckley threw her out we danced around the gym and you kissed me
Just because the vote was fixed doesn't mean the crowns don't fit
If you will be my Tommy Ross I'll be your Carrie oh

Believe me when I say I'm not afraid of Nancy Allen and her beau
And I'm sorry if I freaked out when the pig's blood splattered down to drench me oh
I hope they didn't take the bulging eyes, the fires, too seriously
So okay, I'm a show-off, but I know you'd do the same to impress me
The fire hoses in mid-air, just pretend that they're not there
If you will be my Tommy Ross I'll let the seniors go

We were destined to be lovers, to be a godly pair like Mars and Venus
And think of what a girlfriend I would make, changing tires with telekinesis
I won't listen to my mother when she says that you would make a bad boyfriend
When she tells me you're a sinner I say, "Do I have to throw knives at you again?"
Tommy, I won't kill my mom, I won't destroy another prom
If you will be my Tommy Ross I'll be your Carrie oh

I know some of you will say this song is stupid and the details aren't right
'Cause life isn't a horror movie, I'm not female, and my name's not Carrie White
But I still say Tommy was the greatest boyfriend, forever, now and 'til the end
And I had been DePalma that stupid bucket would never have hit him on the head
Tommy, don't take Carrie White, dump the skirt for me tonight
If you will be my Tommy Ross you'll forget Carrie oh

Note creative placement of oh's. Now all I need is to learn an instrument, develop the ability to sing well, and land a record deal.


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