Hey Star!

It's another year since you left us, and so much has happened I don't know where to begin. Lots has changed, and mostly for the better. I'll probably forget to mention something, but as I am sure you have Internet access where you are, you probably know it all anyway.

Feanor and Poppy are on their way to the Land of Parenthood, and your sister is in the Empire of Expanded Families. So there are all kinds of young minds to be properly introduced to the joys of zombies, video games and 80's New Wave. Personally, the notion of being responsible for a small human terrifies me, but they seem well prepared and less terrified.

Babyraven and the SO are comfortably ensconced in a house, yay, which is far larger than mine and has an upstairs living room to die for. Said living room is perfect for Beatles Rock Band, which I am so angry you missed. Unless of course you are playing the real thing with John and George, in which case I am angry to be missing it. Babs is going to India next month too...exciting! Oh, and there is also a basement in which I am told the SO is working on something strange and robotic. I told him, "If we end up on a rag-tag fleet fleeing through space from murderous robots, I am going to be so mad at you!"

Dan and I are - get this - just finishing up a novel. Really. I don't particularly enjoy writing fiction, and I have never fancied the idea of collaborating, but in this case both have worked out really well. We hope to begin peddling the thing within a few weeks, which is a blessed relief. Rejection I can handle; rewriting a chapter for the third time...that's hard. Speaking of rejection, my comedy adventures continue. I have now played for near-empty rooms, aging lesbians, drunken suburban housewives and gay club clones, so all that's left are hobbits. Now that I have gotten on the regular rotation of a local comedy club I perform often (although not for hobbits). I get to take audiences on a trip through my mind, and if I have done my job right, they enjoy the ride. Although I will confess to one or two moments in which I am mentally reworking my resume, on the whole stand-up comedy is a blast. An absolute fucking blast.

There's no doubt a bunch of other stuff I left out, but what I'm including is that everyone still thinks about you, and misses you awfully. You said once on your blog that the only monument you wanted to leave behind was your body of work. Although you have succeeded (if you doubt, try Googling "Slouching Towards Bedlam and see how many hits you get), I think an even more impressive monument is the fingerprint you left on our lives. I know I am not the same since you left, and although I wish you were still with us, I am grateful for the lessons you taught me in your departure.

Eight months in the dying...

...WolfBlock, my erstwhile employer, has finally breathed its last. The firm is out of money, and since I don't work for free (except on stage), I'm out of there and out of a job. So in mere moments I will browse to the Web site of the Commonwealth of PA and make my first-ever application for unemployment benefits.

Last night, Dan and I had the following "Life of Brian" conversation:

Me: I've been fully employed, underemployed and unemployed on and off since 2006. We haven't been able to spend money for the last three years.

Dan: Umm...well, we did buy the house.

Me: Yeah, but that's just a place to live.

Dan: There was also the grill. The ceiling fan. The dining room chairs. The guest bed. The TV. The XBox, the DVD player...

Me: OK, well except for the house, the grill, the ceiling fan, the dining room chairs, the guest bed, the TV, the XBox, and the DVD player, we haven't bought anything for the last three years.

Dan: There were those new coats last winter, too.

Me: Get me a cupcake.

I don't often tip my hat to the RNC...

...but today, I tip. Apparently, the RNC will no longer offer its employees an insurance plan that covers abortions. I find this pleasingly consistent of them. After all, given how the Republicans are rupturing themselves over Stupak amendments and that nonsense, the least they can do is Stupak their own damned insurance policy. Besides, given how many Republicans are gay, this change will likely have very little impact on any actual Republicans.

A few things

I got about my day blissfully unaware that the local Transit Workers Union is, once again, on strike. Instead of going through this folderol every three years, maybe someday the commonwealth will require mandatory binding arbitration. Until then, folderol. I'm just glad that the strike directly affects neither Dan nor I.

Voted this morning on the way to work, and as expected, the place was a graveyard. No ballot questions, for which I was profoundly grateful. I normally research that kind of thing before I get to the poll, but this year I was forgetful.

On a national level, the Republicans have decided to boycott committee work on a climate bill. I don't know why anyone should be surprised by this, really. The GOP has been out to lunch on this issue for years; at least now they acknowledge their absence. Maybe they should just check out until January 2011, when they will either have gained enough seats to sustain a Republican filibuster or lost enough so that Democrats need never worry about another.

Had a great game last night, from which I am still sore. Although the result was a tie (the lights went out early), I played well, handling the disc several times per point, getting a defense on the line and making two successful passes on the goal. That makes up for last week's game, in which my hands were two great insensate lumps of clumsiness.


*Given how many dead Philadelphians vote, that comparison is more apt than I intended.

Stuff I have seen

Amazing dexterity! I was at the hardware store yesterday, inquiring about a replacement light bulb...one of those ring-shaped ones. As the not-unattractive young man who was assisting me took one box from the rack, two others fell in rapid succession, and he caught them - BAM! BAM! - with one hand. My reaction: Damn.

Unmitigated gall! Dan and I were at a Chinese restaurant not far from another pair of diners, one of whom was loud and rude. Dan whispered to me, "I haven't even seen him and I know he's in sales." As we were paying the bill and getting ready to leave, the suspected salesman starts up a shockingly racist imitation of Chinese people, in the same loud tone of voice that I am sure the staff heard. My reaction: Douchebag!

Fashion flogging! During my normal morning walk, I pass a drycleaning shop that always features a lovely wedding gown, on a dressform, in the window. This morning that dress (and its form) were on the sidewalk, being beaten with a flyswatter wielded by a man I assume was the owner. He was no doubt beating out dust, but in my head I kept hearing, "Bad bride! Bad, bad bride!" My reaction: Hit harder!

Biscuits 'n chocolate 'n feelin' good

Right now I am eating biscuits and chasing them with chocolate, because I saved up the calories all day and I am damn well going to spend them before bed. I am also rewarding myself for a pretty decent performance at a seriously dive bar in Norristown tonight. About half the crowd wasn't paying attention, but of those that were, I totally got good laughs. I even got heckled by this woman who looked alarmingly like a frog**, so I followed the advice of Zen and the Art of Stand-Up Comedy and gave her the attention she seemed to want, and she was satisfied and hopped back on her lillypad. And once again the Yoo-hoo joked worked like a charm. Sweet.

Oh, and a big thanks to Rosemary for her thoughtful birthday gift of Antony Beevo's Stalingrad, which details what might well be the most brutal battle of WWII. The more I learn about Stalin's regime, the more I think it might have been better if the Allies had waited until after the Soviets were defeated to cream Hitler.

**Yes, I am making fun of an audience member on my blog. Those who heckle comedians are bad and wrong and I reserve the right to say they look like frogs. So there.

Overheard at City Hall

As I walked by City Hall this morning, I saw a confused-looking man hailing a well-dressed man. The conversation:

Confused man: Hey, do you know the way to -

Well-dressed man: Sir, I am an Englishman just set foot in Philadelphia. I don't know the way to doodleysquat.

Next time someone asks me for directions in London, I am saying the same thing, except I won't claim to be an Englishman. That works better in the States

Shows!

Busy autumn!

Friday 10/22: Francescas at 1003 E Main St in Norristown, PA. 8:30pm, admission is free



Friday, 11/13: Humor in the Hardbacks at the William Way Community Center at 1315 Spruce Street in Phila, PA. 7:30 pm, admission is $15 or whatever you can pay. (It's a fundraiser for Giovanni's Room.) Learn more at Kelli Dunham's LJ.

Friday, 11/20: Comedy Cabaret in NE Philadelphia. Shows usually start around 8:30, admission is usually around $15. I have a 20-minute set on this one so if you've been waiting to see me perform this is a good one to attend.

A nice little smatter of publicity

Josh Middleton, blogging for Philadelphia City Paper, comes through. Now I just can't f*ck it up.

Things I Saw Today

I saw some neat things today that I thought I would share.

- A man on 12th Street who was leaving a newspaper on every doorstep. He had the papers at one hand, the plastic bags at the other, and he bagged and dropped these papers with machinelike rapidity. I couldn't look away.

- Two people were walking dogs, one large and white and the other small and fluffy. (The dogs, not the walkers.) They allowed their dogs to mingle, and the larger dog was clearly intimidated by the smaller dog. Neat.

- Dozens of boxes of useless paper that will be stored (at cost) for seven years, never recalled, and finally destroyed.

Why, Thalia?

I found out that Thalia is the muse of comedy, and she's been a naughty gal lately. Last night I dedicated two hours to writing material - set aside the time, stayed in, closeted myself in the spare bedroom with the door shut - and Thalia never put in an appearance. This morning as I was on my way to work she pulled up in a blaze of trumpets and started dictating, so I had to rush to the mostly empty offices of WolfBlock LLP and find a pen to write it all down before I forgot it. (I don't usually forget the jokes I write, but given how fickle Thalia's been of late I was taking no chances.) I probably shouldn't complain; usually that muse visits me at 3:30 in the morning, waking me up from a sound sleep to tell me that, yes, masturbating muppets can indeed be funny and relevant to presidential debates.

BTW, finding a pen at WolfBlock LLP has become increasingly difficult of late. Most of those things, along with sundry supplies and office furniture, has been sold to Thalia-knows-who, but I have managed to scavenge a few choice items. I just got my mitts on a CPU, given freely by the firm's dwindling IT staff, which Dan will hook up to the TV. We already have the wireless keyboard and mouse, so that means I can play Galactic Civilizations II from my sofa, bitches!

Video for Gayborhood Games posted

Sorry for the poor quality; there was serious club lighting going on there.

BTW, Christopher Ciccone was awfully grim-looking for a guy whose claim to fame is ratting out his famous sister. I'm just sayin'. Not that I wouldn't do the same to a famous relative. I'm just waiting for one of my own siblings to become a celebrity so I can do a tell-all book and then judge a gay talent competition.

Gayborhood Games...lost!

Well, I competed against three other comedians in the Gayborhood Games but did not win. (I don't know how I ranked in the competition, either; the judges did not disclose that information.) The winning comedian, Jess Carpenter, deserved his victory; his set was a nice intersection of quality material and commanding delivery, and as soon as he left the stage I knew he was going to win. Yay Jess!

I was Comedian #1, for which I was profoundly grateful; I have learned that in bar shows you never, ever want to go last no matter how prestigious that position might be. The later you go on, the drunker and rowdier the crowd. I like to get on and off the stage while the audience is mainly sober. The judges seemed to like me, and I got some laughs from the rest of the crowd. The venue was in the round, though, which was a new experience for me. I didn't want to turn my back on the judges, but neither did I want to ignore the folks behind me. Argh. Sorry, folks behind me, but you weren't voting on my performance. As it happened, of course, that didn't matter anyway.

It was a fun night, though; I got to watch other comedians and a bunch of vocalists and drag acts and sample some cakes made by various gayborhood chefs, all for free. I also got to gossip with three other gay comedians...tee-hee!

On to The Attack of the 1-4-5 Show!

Mrs. Butterworth!

Dan and I were at the SuperFresh at 10th & South last night, looking at Mrs. Butterworth syrup and noting that the bottle was now plastic instead of glass. We weren't interested in buying it, mind you, but we were commenting on how much the bottle looked like the female Changeling from "Deep Space Nine." (UltimateSean gets the original credit for that comparison, by the way.) Anyway, along comes none other than District Attorney Lynne Abraham. I'm kind of a fan of hers, so I greeted her and she was very friendly. She thought we were mulling over syrup choices, so right there she gave us a tutorial on the comparative virtues of this or that syrup. It was great, and so informative that by that point I almost wanted pancakes for dinner. Isn't that like some strange dream?

Did a tasting at the caterer's yesterday, and I had a piece of cake that was absolutely divine. It was so good I almost wept. Can't wait to have more on the 10th!

If you want to hear a smack-down...

Listen to an archived episode of Radio Times (from September 2) about the investigation into CIA interrogation techniques. Scott Horton totally schools Edward Turzanski, who does all but admit that he thinks that torture is legally defensible under the proper circumstances. If you agree with Turzanski you won't like the episode; if you don't, you will love it!

Love. Her.

I have a total crush on Sarah Palin, but it's nothing sexual. She's cute, all right, but her life is what really turns me on. She's a reality TV show just waiting to happen, and I want to direct it! Vanity Fair is running an article by Levi Johnston about the former governor, and I think I am going to buy it. The more scurrilous the gossip, the more closely I will read. Yum!

Oh, If you're wondering if I think Johnston is cute, let me lay it out for you. He's kind of hot in that only-because-I-am-young way, but fast forward 15 years and I think he's going to be gross. Seriously. So I don't get too excited about him.

I am still with WolfBlock, which at this point is kind of like Gollum. You can still sort of tell what it used to be, but by now it's worn and hollowed out and yet shambles on. At this point the management (or what's left of it) is literally selling the furniture from under us. I tell you, before the leaves fall we'll be working on desks made of boxes.

You know caramel creams?

They are tasty even at 9:30 am. It's true.

Got our dining room/powder room/hallway painted, finally, and I love it. Light blue for most of it, a few violet accent walls, and some purple trim. Did the powder room entirely in violet, but after the first coat it looked really pink and I thought, "Did I just make Barbie's Powder Room?" This did not deter me from continuing because: a) I had faith in my color choice; and b) owning Barbie's Powder Room would be kinda funny. Upon the second coat the violet turned out violet so Mattel need not fear.

I have a message for Americans who want government out of their health insurance: Any time you want to permanently waive your right to Medicaid/Medicare, I've got your back. Totally. I will write the president and Congress myself. We'll save oodles of money when you die at 72 due to lack of care (because no private insurance company on the planet is going to cover a 72-year-old with three preexisting conditions), which means more Medicare for the rest of us. Once you are dead and therefore no longer voting foolishly, the survivors (who were smart enough to keep government in our health care) will get Congress to enact sensible health insurance reform that will protect us and our descendants. So really, you should do it for the children.

Biased media...yeah right

Biased towards foolishness I'd say. Thanks to Poppy for the link to this great op-ed about right-wing craziness and the media. Here's my favorite excerpt:

Conservatives have become adept at playing the media for suckers, getting inside the heads of editors and reporters, haunting them with the thought that maybe they are out-of-touch cosmopolitans and that their duty as tribunes of the people's voices means they should treat Obama's creation of "death panels" as just another justiciable political claim.

It used to be different. You never heard the late Walter Cronkite taking time on the evening news to "debunk" claims that a proposed mental health clinic in Alaska is actually a dumping ground for right-wing critics of the president's program, or giving the people who made those claims time to explain themselves on the air. The media didn't adjudicate the ever-present underbrush of American paranoia as a set of "conservative claims" to weigh, horse-race-style, against liberal claims. Back then, a more confident media unequivocally labeled the civic outrage represented by such discourse as "extremist" -- out of bounds.

Objectivity is not the goal of journalism but the method of getting to the truth. The responsible journalist looks at the evidence and listens to the commentary, makes her best judgment as to the truth of the matter, and then reports it. She is not required to treat every opinion as equally true, nor should she fear to put the facts in context. Journalists need to worry less about conservative claims of bias and more about doing their frakkin' jobs.

When you fail at the polls...

...you turn to brute force. Having been thumped in two successive elections, and facing long-delayed but much-needed reform, conservatives turned first to a massive campaign of disinformation. That campaign has been disappointingly effective, and we're likely to see the "public option" portion of health care reform dropped because of ridiculous claims of "death panels." Now, conservatives are turning up the volume by bringing firearms to presidential events.

When one brings a weapon to an event that is crawling with police and other law enforcement officials, it's not for self-defense, nor is it some statement about Second Amendment rights that have never been in jeopardy. It's a threat, plain and simple, and only frightened people make threats. Frightened people like, say, those who failed to achieve their goals at the ballot box.

I heard it said that when conservatives control government they work its levers without regard for anything but their own goals, but when they lose control, they throw themselves on the gears to make certain nothing works. Well, they've certainly succeeded in 2009.

Boo-yah!

I frakkin' conquered the Comedy Cabaret in Marlton Friday night. Seriously. There were ten comics in all and I think I got louder and more consistent laughs than at least eight of them. This was particularly gratifying after the lackluster showing I made last spring. When I got off stage I received many congratulatory handshakes and even a hug from a woman I didn't know, and the next morning my email box was filled with Facebook friend requests. It's like being a successful comedian, except without the fame, money and high demand for my services.