Some of my favorite sayings

• Once you pay Danegeld, you never get rid of the Dane.*
• A guilty conscience is its own accuser.
• To mourn a mischief past and gone is the next way to bring new mischief on.*
• Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas.
• Short cuts make long delays**
• Where will wants not, a way opens.**
• There will be water if God wills it; we will find it if God wills it; we will drink it if God wills it.+

*Courtesy of Rudyard Kipling. Shut up, Dan!
**Courtesy of William Shakespeare
***Courtesy of JRR Tolkien
+Take this in an atheist sort of way.

Hey Inventors!

Last night Dan and I went to dinner with some friends of mine from out of state. Somehow, through a nexus of conversation about drugs and 70's children's toys, Dan proposed the EasyBake Meth Lab. That was the funniest damn thing I heard all day.

I'm in my third week at TNJ (The New Job, for those who don't remember), and most of the people there seem OK. They seriously need to discover the wonders of Quark; designing in Word is like trying to tie your shoes while wearing oven mitts. It's strange to go from being the most junior design person to the most senior, but don't take that as any testament to my design skills. A17th-century doctor only looks great when his patients are the Clan of the Cave Bear.

I love the Rules!

Have you ever heard of "The Rules"? These two women, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, wrote a book of dating do's and don't's for women, known as "The Rules." I'd heard of the book, but not until I paged through it at a bookstore did I realize the treasure trove of fun it truly is. Here's a few of the rules from "The Rules" for your amusement, along with my commentary.

Show up to parties, dances and social events even if you do not feel like it. This is so women can meet as many men as possible, and on the surface it sounds like good advice. Until, that is, you realize that when you attend a party when you'd rather be somewhere else you're not showing yourself at your best. Men will pick up on this, and the good ones will stay away while the bad ones swarm right in.

If you are in a long-distance relationship, he must visit you at least three times before you visit him. I'm not sure why it's three and not thirty, but Ellen and Sherrie wouldn't steer you wrong.

Close the deal; Rules women do not date men for more than two years. You see, women really just want to get married, so dating and relationships aren't about forming deep emotional bonds or getting to know yourself and someone else alot better. Women date to marry, and thus the walk down the aisle is just like signing the contract.

There are many other rules, of which I can paraphrase a few:

• You only call him once for ever three calls he makes.
• You never ask a man out on a date.
• Never accept a date for Saturday after Wednesday, even if it means sitting home alone.
• If a woman uses a dating service, she must place the ad and let men respond to her, not the other way around.
  

It goes on and on, but you get the drift. Essentially, "The Rules" supports a very archaic, sexist notion of male and female relationship roles, summed up as follows. Men pursue women. Women do not pursue men. If a woman pursues a man, he will quickly lose interest and wander. The only reliable way for a woman to bag a man is to pretend to be a mystery and to act like he needs her more than she needs him. Men are not really shy, so if there's one you fancy who seems reticent around you, it's not because he might be intimidated by your wit and charm, but because he's just not very interested. If you ask him out first, you are guaranteeing that your relationship will not work out. Sorry, gals.

Sheesh...isn't dating tough enough without dealing with playing games? Although I come at things from a different angle than women, I too have dated men (have I!) and I know well the challenges involved. Trust me...in my younger days I accepted treatment that, to think about it now, gets me scratching my head and saying, "Wha fuck?" No matter how bad things got I never resorted to game-playing, believing that being honest about myself, with myself, and with others was the best policy. Once I combined that policy with a measure of self-confidence, I found myself dating men whose memory doesn't give me any "Wha fuck?" moments. And I didn't need that crazy book to do it.

By the way, go to "The Rules" Web site and check out the celebrity testimonials. Yeah, right...when you have to get Destiny's Child to talk up your work, you know you're in trouble.

Two too many

Peter Benchley and Andreas Katsulas die in one week? What the fuck is going on? Since my outrage does not good, I'll have to settle for remembrance.

I read "Jaws" when I was, oh, nine or ten, and I liked it then despite the fact that at the time I didn't understand words like "megalodon" from Hooper or "prick" from Quint. (I never asked my mother the meaning of either, which looking back was probably best.) A simple story told well, and in my opinion those are usually the best ones.

"Babylon 5" was a delight I discovered only long after it had gone off the air. Back in June of '03 I had undergone some nose surgery which kept me in bed for three or four days, and those who know me know that I'm not good at sitting idle. Sarcasmo lent me the first season of B5 on DVD, and it not only helped pass the time, it became a new passion. So much so, in fact, that four days after my surgery I hobbled out to the mall video store, pale as a sheet and dribbling blood from my nose, to buy Season Two. I'll bet the few shoppers watching me shamble by thought they were in a remake of "Dawn of the Dead." Katsulas played G'Kar, my favorite B5 character, and he was an integral part of that show. The sci-fi world is poorer without him.

Rest in peace, guys.

What's going on in England?

I am very distressed to hear that the land which contains my very favorite place in the universe is enacting all sorts of strange laws. Currently on the table are proposals to ban speech that "glorifies" terrorism, and national ID cards that contain all manner of biological information (fingerprints, retinal patterns, etc.). Does Tony Blair realize that "1984" is a cautionary tale, and not a government playbook?

All of this is straining my love of the land of Madam George and roses.

Things I Learned This Weekend

1. Essays written by high school students are just painful.
2. Snow is fun only when you don't have to shovel it or drive through it.
3. Starbuck's new 'do annoys me.
   
4. "Jackie Brown" is as good on the third viewing as it was the first.

The First Day

I had my first day at The New Job. Since I'd rather not name my employer here, let's just call the company TNJ.

First of all, first days at jobs always suck. No matter how nice and polite and friendly and helpful everyone is, they just suck. You don't know anyone, you get lost easily, everyone's checking out the new guy/gal, all of that. Still, all that aside, it was a decent day minus first-day suckitude.

One thing that stuck out about TNJ was that just about everyone was physically attractive. Seriously. Even the older folks in their fifties and sixties were cute. That made me wonder if TNJ thought I made the grade or if they wanted me around for contrast. Another thing that stuck out was that this was a company that was doing well, which was quite the difference after six years at an organization that spent that time in a slow downward spiral.

Oh, and it's very cute to hear people who think that Microsoft Word is some kind of miracle tool. They're all like, "Did you know you can create style sheets?", and I'm like, "How cute!" The poor suckers.

I've been tagged

PinkHairedGirl tagged me for the following meme, so I dutifully reply...

Four jobs you have had in your life

1. Foot messenger for a law office. No, I wasn't delivering feet.
2. Permissions assistant for a medical publisher. This was getting annoying people to do stuff they didn't want to do. Even worse than it sounds.
3. Production assistant at a university. A job I held proudly for less than two months.
4. Editorial assistant at a university. A job I held proudly for nine months.
   

Four movies you could watch over and over

1. Alien
2. Carrie
3. The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane
4. Aliens
   

Four places you have lived

1. Eep. Compared to Pinkie, I come up woefully short on this one. I'll pass.
   

Four TV shows you love to watch

1. Alien Nation. I almost sobbed when this was canceled, and I very much enjoy watching it on DVD.
2. Battlestar Galactica. The new one, natch.
3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Seasons 1-3 only)
4. Babylon 5
   

Four places you have been on vacation

1. London, my favorite place in the universe
2. San Francisco
   
3. Montreal
4. Toronto
   

Four websites you visit daily

1. Gmail
2. Philly.com
3. Sarcasmo's Corner
4. The Weather Channel

Four places you'd rather be right now

1. London
2. A suburb of London
3. In a plane on the way to London
4. In a cab on the way to the airport for a flight to London (Are you seeing a pattern here?)
   

Four bloggers you are tagging.

Nobody. I'm too lazy.

Copyright is copy wrong

I've been doing some thinking lately about copyright law, and I've begun to think that it's been extended one too many times. Last time I checked, works registered after 1972 (or so) are protected for the life of the author plus fifty years. Naturally, that hasn't prevented heavy-hitters like DC Comics and Disney from getting Congress to extend their ownership of Superman and Mickey Mouse, respectively, which should have expired a long time ago.

What's the point of protecting work so long? I understand and agree that the creator of a piece should be able to exclusively profit from it, but should her children? Her grandchildren? Life plus fifty can be an awfully long time; the thought of having to wait more than a century for an idea to enter the public domain seems to me a little silly.

Also, how does constantly extending copyright protection serve the public? Sure, leaving DC Comics in charge of Superman allows the company to continue to profit from him, but doesn't it also lend itself to a certain stagnation of ideas? Why would DC Comics bother seeking out fresh new talent when they can continue to churn out the same old stuff about the same old superhero? There are countless wanna-be comic book artists out there; I say let Superman move into the public doman so that the comic book companies have to give those artists a chance. Besides, a fresh take on the Superman story might be in order, and allowing the chap from Krypton to become public property might be just the ticket.

This would be an interesting discussion for The Bitter Quill. (Hint, hint).

It's Like Coming Home

Once I was once again fully employed, the next step was obvious.

Clothes-shopping!

Yup, one of my very favorite activities. In this case, I could justify the expense by the dress code of my new employer, which is a bit more dressy than the last. (Not that I need justification to buy clothing, but it's nice to have one.) I hit six stores in 90 minutes, and made purchases in five. I even found a couple of shirts in H&M, surprise surprise, which is usually a place only for tall thin people. I was very disappointed to find that the shirt I saw and admired at Daffy's was just too big for me. Funny, because it was tagged "medium", but when I tried it on I was enveloped in what felt like yards of extra material. Since I hate baggy clothing, I reluctantly set the shirt aside. I made up for it with a black blazer that fits me as if it had been custom made.

I didn't have time for my post-shopping ritual; that is, trying on what I've purchased in various combinations, to see what looks best. That's tomorrow.

Looking back on "The Stand"

I've been paging through Stephen King's "The Stand", and have you ever noticed that the female characters in that book do nothing but cry, get pregnant, and do little household chores? OK, there are two who don't fit that description, one of whom starves herself in a religious daze. That doesn't redeem King.

King's usually pretty good at making his characters come to life, but he was asleep at the wheel for "The Stand." It's a decent storyline, in part, but his characters are just boooooooring. Also, the uncut version was updated to 1990, when the original story happened in 1980. That in itself is not a problem, except he didn't update the characters accordingly. One 21-year-old character makes a reference to Pat Garrett, which seems kind of odd for a 21-year-old in 1990. The songs they reference are all pre-1980, as if the 80's music scene just never happened. Actually, that's a problem in all of King's books, but it's particularly noticeable when you compare the original Stand with the uncut version.

I like King's early work, I really do, but someone really needs to rewrite "The Stand." Someone other than King.

Does anyone remember...

...when TSR, formerly the owner of Dungeons & Dragons, published these tiny little games? They were sold in slim plastic cases that contained everything you needed to play, and they were cool. I had "Vampyre", "Revolt on Antares" and "They've Invaded Pleasantville", and there were three or four more if I recall correctly.

Vampyre: One side of the board depicted Transylvania, and as one of the characters from "Dracula" you chased the evil Count around the countryside, avoiding his traps and destroying his coffin, until you'd hounded him back to Castle Dracula. You then flipped over the board to see that selfsame castle, in which you'd prowl around, looking for the Count's primary coffin, which if you destroyed put an end to the master of the undead. The place was full of monsters, and you had to keep track of time because if you hadn't finished by game midnight, the monsters were replenished and you were back where you started.

Revolt on Antares: This war game had three scenarios: Revolt against Terra, the Silakkan Invasion, and Power Politics, but they were all great. Antares was divided into seven noble houses, each of whom had a specific psychic ability like illusion, hypnotism, precognition, etc. Admittedly, it was a stretch to call the woman who called lightning psychic, but what do you want from a game that fits inside a slim plastic case? I actually still have this game, which I have never unveiled at Game Night for no specific reason.

They've Invaded Pleasantville: This was a standard "aliens who look human" scenario, in the pleasant small town of, uh, Pleasantville. Anyway, you had to troll about town, killing aliens but (hopefully) avoiding killing townsfolk. Problem was you didn't know which was which until you'd already attacked, which was really only a problem if you cared about your fellow citizens. I didn't, so, you know.

The Roe v. Wade Hypocrisy

With the anniversary of the (I'm supposed to say "landmark" here) abortion decision, I'll share a few of my thoughts. MediaGirl, listen up!

I think there is a certain value in turning the issue back to the states. I'm not anxious to see the procedure illegalized (quite the opposite), but letting each state decide the issue would force pro-life politicians to actually do something about abortion other than just rail about feminazis and activist judges. Reversing Roe, scary as it sounds, might help to sift out some of the bullshit surrounding the abortion issue, and that would be a good thing. Of course, it would also turn the public discourse into hell, but we're not far from that now.

What's bothering me right now is the complete and utter hypocrisy of pro-life groups who say, "It's time to turn the issue back to the states." Many of these same groups are on record supporting a right-to-life constitutional amendment that, unless I misunderstand American law, would take the issue away from the states. Either you support states' rights or you don't, and, frankly, I think these people don't. They're set on an agenda, not on a specific political philosophy.

I also note that many of the aforementioned groups are on record against birth control and comprehensive sex education (that being, of course, any education that is not abstinence-only). These are often the very conservatives who oppose government-funded daycare or other programs that would make childrearing more feasible. Therefore, they oppose using the very tools that would make abortions more rare, which tells me their agenda is larger that merely stopping abortion. They want to institute an entire regimen of sexual morality, and not one by which most Americans would really want to live.

I know for certain there are pro-lifers out there who aren't interested in a return to Victorian-era sexual mores, and I can respect that stance even if I don't agree with it. I have no respect for those who cloak a sweeping moral agenda in the vestments of concern for the unborn.

Uh, I can't think of a post title.

If you want a laugh, visit the help articles on a job-hunting Web site. Since most of those sites are equally useless, it doesn't matter which one you pick. My favorites are the multiple-choice quizzes, which are so laughably easy that you have to wonder how the folks who wrote them got their jobs. Here's a typical online job-hunting quiz question:

When asked about a previous employer you disliked, you respond by...

a) Saying, "I was always taught that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
b) Telling the interviewer how underappreciated you were, and how relieved you are to be rid of that employer.
c) Putting a positive spin on a negative experience.
d) Brandishing the severed head of your previous supervisor and warning the interviewer that the same awaits any who would dishonor you.

Now, do you have any doubt as to which is the correct answer? If you said c, then you are a person of average intelligence who understands the basics of life (fire burns, trees are green, you need air to live). If you said anything but c, well then you're the kind of person these quiz-makers are trying to help.

On a different topic, in taking the Smurf personality test I found on Sarcasmo's blog, I learned that Smurfette was created by Gargamel. Is this true? If so, does that mean Gargamel is God?

An itty-bitty poem

A friend of mine used to have these really neat Christmas Eve parties, at which people would be asked for a performance. There would be singing, juggling, music, and what I usually did was write something I hoped was funny and read it. It was a good time.

Anyhoo, I came across this little poem in my hard drive, so I thought it made an interesting addition to this blog. ("Interesting" being my way of saying, "Shut up and read it.") A bit of background: In the gay community, young, tanned gym-polished blond boys are known as "twinkies", because they are short, golden-brown and cream-filled. I know, ick, but it's kind of important to this poem. Here goes...

If I Were a Twinkie
If I could have a wish from a genie or ring
It wouldn’t be for money, for cars or anything
World peace would be nice, and ending world hunger
I just want a body that’s blond and tan and younger
Hostess they make a bunch of nice cakes
Little Debbie, and Entenmann’s, and Carvel and Drake
But if I could be a twinkie I’d be so much better
I’d go from man-repellent straight to a guy-getter
As I walked down the street I’d be the first looked-at
Instead of coming in second to garbage and dead cats
At bars I’d be the center of all the attention
I could take the blue ribbon instead of honorable mention
When I stepped out my door in Spandex or tight jeans
I’d inspire admiration, instead of gross horror scenes
If I were a twinkie they’d fight to be with me
And I’d be called “hottie”, instead of “neato” and “nifty”
Of course, sometimes twinkies are dumber than dumb
In jeans they are beautiful; above the neck, numb
They may get the glances, the stares and the sighs
But they can’t write a good werewolf story like mine
Besides, when the bombs drop, and the world almost fries
Smart guys will build shelters. The twinkies will die
Sure, steroids keep them from gaining an ounce
But steroids ruin performance where and when it most counts
You know, I’d rather be short, brunette with no tan
Than be a gym-buffed blond twinkie with brains made of sand

I could go to the gym, and be kinda dim
I’d be pretty as hell, even though I couldn’t spell
I could turn any trick, I would have a big car
If I were a twinkie

(Remember that this poem was meant to be read aloud, so the last part is alot funnier. Or so I tell myself.)

Two Kinds o' Stupid

I aired this view before Movie Night this week, so I decided that earned it a place here. Before we get started, let me review what I mean by the word "stupid", which I think is an adjective that sees far too much use. In my view, there's a difference between "stupid" and "foolish." Stupid people actually lack intelligence, and thus have difficulty acquiring, remembering, processing and applying information. There are very few genuinely stupid people in the world. Foolish people may be quite intelligent, but they consistently make poor decisions and lack even basic intuition. There are lots of foolish people in the world. An example of stupid but not foolish is Sam Gamgee of the Lord of the Rings, who doesn't know very much in terms of information and isn't great at thinking on his feet, but who was wise enough to resist the lure of the Ring. An example of foolish but not stupid is Michelle Malkin, a conservative asshole who last year wrote a book called "Defending Internment", in which she attempts to justify the internment of Japanese-Americans in WWII.

Back to topic. I find that stupid people fall into two basic categories: bird stupid and ox stupid. Bird-stupids can be manipulated because they are at least dimly aware that they don't know very much. Ox-stupids are convinced that they know better than everyone, and are therefore nearly impossible to sway. Give me bird-stupid any day.

Looking back on this post, I realize it was a long wind-up for a very short delivery. Eeep.

Even more envy!

After speaking with Sarcasmo about her trip, I realized two things.

1. She made awesome use of her England time.
2. My map of London has now been to London more than I have.

Both of these things please me.

Good news and an unsettling observation

The good news: The Supreme Court struck down the feds' attempt to circumvent Oregon's assisted suicide law. I see that Republicans respect states' rights to do what Republicans want; otherwise, the GOP is happy to invoke federal power to get its way. As you'll see from the article, the decision was 6-3, which means the power-addled Republicans aren't going to get a change from SCOTUS any time soon.

The unsettling observation: Samuel Alito may be well qualified in scholarly or legal terms, but I don't want him on the court. No, it's not because he's unfriendly to abortion or privacy rights (which he is, despite his demurrals), but because he has spent the confirmation hearings backtracking on his record. He was part of a college group dedicated to keeping women and minorities out of Princeton, but now he says he doesn't remember it. He advocated to the Reagan administration the overturning of Roe vs. Wade, but now says we should just overlook that because that was expressed on a job application. He says that Robert Bork was "one of the most outstanding nominees of the century" with whom he supposedly disagrees with on just about everything. Either Samuel Alito is a dizzyingly complex jurist, or else he's a fairly simple conservative who is doing everything he can to hide it. Either way, I don't want him to get a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court.

I realize there's not much that can be done about it; Americans have given Bush their imprimatur to appoint these kinds of folks, and Bush has, understandably, taken them at their word. However, like the Iraq invasion and the 2001 tax cuts, we're going to be paying for Samuel Alito for a long, long time.

Underdog Victorious!*

I can now reveal that I have, after a job search that seemed a geological age, landed a job. I won't go into details about the company name or anything (after all, who knows who might be reading this happy little blog), but I will say that they've offered me more money, more vacation, more sick time, and a better 401K than my last employer. Also, they are located about .8 miles from my home, which means a commute to die for. All in all, I am pretty darn pleased about it. I've been walking around most of the day with a grin on my face, a grin worn only by the mentally deranged and those who have landed plum new jobs.

And, yes, I did a new-job dance, which was more vigorous than the getting-published polka, and yet not quite so sprightly as the I'm-done-with-college jig.

* This is also the title of a fabulous Jill Sobule album. Buy it. Listen to it. I command you.

Labor shuffles its feet!

Wal-Mart got a well deserved thumping today, courtesy of the Maryland state legislature. Naturally, the state's Republican governor did his level best to stop it (imagine a Republican going to bat for big business!), but the legislature showed both backbone and better sense and overrode his veto. Admittedly, the red states will resist this trend (if it becomes a trend), but if enoug blue states sign on Wal-Mart will have to give in. After all, the blue states are where the population is, and I doubt Wal-Mart will turn much profit catering only to states like Montana and Idaho, whose combined population is still less than NYC's.

I'm pleased to see that labor has not completely lost its teeth. As annoying as unions can be, I still trust them more than the likes of Wal-Mart.