Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Super Powers I Don't Want

Telepathy: I don't want to speak with most of the people I meet on a daily basis, so I certainly don't want to know what they're thinking. Besides, no matter how disciplined and well-intentioned I was, inevitably I'd start reading the minds of those people I do care about, and knowing what your friends are thinking is way scarier than knowing what strangers are thinking.

Precognition: Like telepathy, precognition is simply a way to beg the universe to make you really unhappy. Do you really want to know when/how your parents or friends are going to die? Even if you foresee some avertable tragedy you'll probably just get stuck having to sacrifice yourself to stop it, ala The Dead Zone. No thanks...that kind of heroism I can live without.

Shapechanging: This is a really neat ability for Odo on DS9, but how much practical use will the average person get out of it? Sure, you can turn into a lion or eagle, but then what? Get tranquilized by Animal Control and stuck in the zoo? Wow...mix in a little rectal surgery and that's my best day ever. You're thinking, "But as an eagle I could fly!" Shut up. If you wanna fly, you'd do better with the power of, say, flight, instead of turning into an eagle and then having to learn to do what comes naturally to birds, not to mention the risk of getting sucked into a jet's engine. Yeah, you could turn into a mug on your boss' desk and eavesdrop, but then when he's thirsty you get to experience your boss' lips right on your naked, ceramic, shapechanged body. Maybe that's hot for some of you with cute bosses of the appropriate gender, but for me it's...less than hot.

X-ray vision: This was really one of Superman's second-tier powers, and I understand why. It has no use except ogling people on the bus, which I admit would be fun at first but would get old quickly. I guess you could sell your services providing gamma-ray-free x-rays, but if you don't want to be a radiologist you're pretty well reduced to checking out lots of naked people.

Super strength: In a world populated by vampires, evil supervillains and zombies, a person with this power would rule; in this world, however, super strength pretty much means you always get asked to help your friends move. Nobody needs that much free pizza.

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