Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Super Powers I DO Want

Telekinesis: Now here's a handy power, and a marketable one. You can not only use it to fend off muggers and ruin high school proms, but you can also influence the movement of roulette wheels or those little balls inside the lottery machine. And you could finally change the toner in your laser printer without getting any of the black stuff on your hands.

Invisibility: I know that in the choice between flight and invisibility, invisibility's the one that means you're bad, but I don't care. I want to be able to move unseen, dammit! I'd use my powers in the cause of justice, exposing the corruption of sleazy politicians, getting crucial evidence to right-minded police officers, and shoving paper clips in every parking meter in Philadelphia.

Weather control: Rain would never, ever again happen on a Saturday afternoon when I would otherwise be playing Ultimate, nor would I be inconvenienced by snow. Now, you're asking yourself, "But where would you send all the bad weather?" To the Red States, duh. Republicans control the federal government; let them worry about out the fools who put them in office.

Regeneration: The ability to quickly heal nearly any injury is not only life-saving, but it makes a great practical joke ("Uh-oh...I've cut off my finger!). Come to think of it, regeneration's a quick way to earn extra money. Step in front of a moving vehicle and you've got yourself a quick lawsuit without all the fuss of an actual injury. Nice.

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