Monday, July 19, 2004

If I Were A God...

Believe it or not, this came up during pickup Saturday, and it's stayed on my mind long enough to make it to the blog. Now you must suffer it! The question: If you were a god, of what would you be the god? My answer: near-successes.
I know that sounds odd, but think about it. How many near-successes do you encounter in your daily life? A train just missed, a lottery ticket one digit off a winner, a dropped cup of coffee almost caught...there are too many to list. Each time one of those things happened to someone, he/she would think of me, thus ensuring that My divine name would ne'er be forgotten. That's certainly a better deal than you'd get being, say, the god of space shuttle launches that happen on odd-numbered days.
Also, after watching my brother play Black & White, I've learned that being a deity can be a real hassle. This one wants a good job, that one wants his leprosy healed...there's no end to the demands people place upon the divine. However, as the god of near-successes, no one would appeal for My attention; in fact, they'd beg for My neglect. Think about that: Millions of people offer Me rich sacrifice on a daily basis to do absolutely nothing but ignore them. I ignore lots of people in my life, but as a god I'd get paid for it. People send Me all kinds of cool stuff just so that I'll look the other way when they're interviewing for a job or bidding on a house or what have you. No work and sacrifice? That's a deal I can get behind.
Being the god of near-success would not be all sloth and avarice, however; there'd be a healthy amount of whimsical sadism as well. "Hey Mr. Sleazebag Lawyer, you almost managed to blow that stop sign without incident, but here comes that truck just a wee bit early." Mortals would never know when I would exercise My divine right to bitch-slap them, thus ensuring a steady flow of rich sacrifice. See? Even sadism has its uses.


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