Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Dear Universe,

I am dissatisfied with the current state of affairs, and I thought I'd write you a letter pointing out some improvements you may not have considered.

- Broccoli is my favorite vegetable, yet it seems designed to get in between my teeth. Please correct that, and not by making my teeth fall out.

- Littering bugs me. I recommend altering the laws of physics so that whatever refuse (of any kind) a person deposits anywhere but in the proper receptacle will immediately appear in that person's bed.

- I know that spiders protect us from an overrun of insects, but I think it's possible to design an animal that can serve the same purpose without being eight-legged, hairy, and with more eyes than any creature has a right to.

- Although I really appreciate your chocolate, it would be much better if it contained no calories. Really.

- Cinema is cool. Way to go on that one.

- Swimming in the ocean would be much more appealing if seawater tasted more like milk and less like something unspeakably horrible.

- Straight people are nice, they are, and we need them for species propagation, but do they have to outnumber us so dramatically? A 50-50 split be more equitable, and would take care of the overpopulation problem quite handily.

- Milkshakes are also cool. Yay universe!

I know you're busy, so I'll leave it at that. Thanks for reading.

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