You know caramel creams?

They are tasty even at 9:30 am. It's true.

Got our dining room/powder room/hallway painted, finally, and I love it. Light blue for most of it, a few violet accent walls, and some purple trim. Did the powder room entirely in violet, but after the first coat it looked really pink and I thought, "Did I just make Barbie's Powder Room?" This did not deter me from continuing because: a) I had faith in my color choice; and b) owning Barbie's Powder Room would be kinda funny. Upon the second coat the violet turned out violet so Mattel need not fear.

I have a message for Americans who want government out of their health insurance: Any time you want to permanently waive your right to Medicaid/Medicare, I've got your back. Totally. I will write the president and Congress myself. We'll save oodles of money when you die at 72 due to lack of care (because no private insurance company on the planet is going to cover a 72-year-old with three preexisting conditions), which means more Medicare for the rest of us. Once you are dead and therefore no longer voting foolishly, the survivors (who were smart enough to keep government in our health care) will get Congress to enact sensible health insurance reform that will protect us and our descendants. So really, you should do it for the children.

Biased media...yeah right

Biased towards foolishness I'd say. Thanks to Poppy for the link to this great op-ed about right-wing craziness and the media. Here's my favorite excerpt:

Conservatives have become adept at playing the media for suckers, getting inside the heads of editors and reporters, haunting them with the thought that maybe they are out-of-touch cosmopolitans and that their duty as tribunes of the people's voices means they should treat Obama's creation of "death panels" as just another justiciable political claim.

It used to be different. You never heard the late Walter Cronkite taking time on the evening news to "debunk" claims that a proposed mental health clinic in Alaska is actually a dumping ground for right-wing critics of the president's program, or giving the people who made those claims time to explain themselves on the air. The media didn't adjudicate the ever-present underbrush of American paranoia as a set of "conservative claims" to weigh, horse-race-style, against liberal claims. Back then, a more confident media unequivocally labeled the civic outrage represented by such discourse as "extremist" -- out of bounds.

Objectivity is not the goal of journalism but the method of getting to the truth. The responsible journalist looks at the evidence and listens to the commentary, makes her best judgment as to the truth of the matter, and then reports it. She is not required to treat every opinion as equally true, nor should she fear to put the facts in context. Journalists need to worry less about conservative claims of bias and more about doing their frakkin' jobs.

When you fail at the polls...

...you turn to brute force. Having been thumped in two successive elections, and facing long-delayed but much-needed reform, conservatives turned first to a massive campaign of disinformation. That campaign has been disappointingly effective, and we're likely to see the "public option" portion of health care reform dropped because of ridiculous claims of "death panels." Now, conservatives are turning up the volume by bringing firearms to presidential events.

When one brings a weapon to an event that is crawling with police and other law enforcement officials, it's not for self-defense, nor is it some statement about Second Amendment rights that have never been in jeopardy. It's a threat, plain and simple, and only frightened people make threats. Frightened people like, say, those who failed to achieve their goals at the ballot box.

I heard it said that when conservatives control government they work its levers without regard for anything but their own goals, but when they lose control, they throw themselves on the gears to make certain nothing works. Well, they've certainly succeeded in 2009.

Boo-yah!

I frakkin' conquered the Comedy Cabaret in Marlton Friday night. Seriously. There were ten comics in all and I think I got louder and more consistent laughs than at least eight of them. This was particularly gratifying after the lackluster showing I made last spring. When I got off stage I received many congratulatory handshakes and even a hug from a woman I didn't know, and the next morning my email box was filled with Facebook friend requests. It's like being a successful comedian, except without the fame, money and high demand for my services.

This changes everything!

You have to check out this RedState.com post about Sarah Palin and her "game-changing" resignation. It reads like a David Sedaris essay, except the author isn't away of just how funny it is. This is my favorite part:

Of all of the reasons Sarah is stepping down over, the one big reason, in my mind, is her love of country. Her deep patriotism. Her sense of duty.

So if Palin had done what voters expected and served out the term to which voters elected her, she would have been irresponsible and derelict in her duty. Yes, we have always been at war with Oceania.

The essay is also full of sentences with unnecessary exclamation points!!! Do read the comments, one of which is a warning not to listen to articles published in Alaskan newspapers or interviews conducted with family and close friends of Palin, because obviously none of those people know more about Sarahcuda than some blogger in Mobile, Alabama.

Now I am dot-commie!

Check out my new Web site, courtesy of UltimateSean.

Scratch one parking ticket!

Yes, the City of Philadelphia is going to have to look elsewhither for its lousy 51 bucks, 'cause my ticket is as dead as Sarah Palin's political future.

I got to the PPA at 12:30, checked in, and then made myself comfortable to wait. There were tons of people there, but I was so engrossed in writing material for my next show and reading the new David Sedaris book that I was fine waiting. I was called back after about 35 minutes, and the following is a transcript of the exchange between me and the administrative adjudicator (AA):

AA: So this ticket is for double-parking?
Me: Yes.
AA: You can't double-park, not with your flashers on, not ever. As a courtesy I'm going to cancel this ticket.
Me: Do I get something in wr-
AA: You'll receive something in the mail within 30 days.
Me: Have a nice day! **

So you can see that my victory had less to do with my rhetorical skills and more with the fact that the AA was running way behind and was dismissing the stupid tickets so she could make headway with the others. Not exactly Bryant vs. Darrow, but either way, that $51 stays in my pocket.

**At this point I gave a moment's thought to asking how one loads a vehicle in the city if you can never double-park, and if all those South Philadelphians get $51 tickets for double-parking every single night. However, I have learned in stand-up that if a joke works you don't ask why; you just tell it. So I kept my pie-hole firmly shut.

Creepy complaint

I've begun to notice, and be annoyed by, the overuse of the word "creepy", which has become synonymous for "anything I don't like." To me, creepy things are scary and/or dangerous, which does not, for example, apply to that dorky guy who hit on you at the bar. He may be irritating, uncute and pathetic, but he's not creepy unless you have compelling reason to think he's got a jar for your head in his basement. Those St. Patrick cupcakes with the green icing are not creepy either. They're unhealthy and not of nature, yes, but given the crap we consume on a daily basis, they're not scary or especially dangerous. So don't call them creepy. Because that makes me angry.

Speaking of ill-advised food, I made a very simplistic version of beef stroganoff yesterday, substituting ground turkey for beef, rice for pasta, and steak sauce for dill weed. So it wasn't much like stroganoff at all, I suppose, but Dan and I enjoyed it anyway.

I'm fighting a traffic ticket tomorrow, so wish me luck. No points on my license are at issue (whew!), but I really don't want to pay $51 dollars for doing for 10 minutes on one day what South Philly residents do every single night for 8-12 hours. Who ever thought a Philly cop would bother to ticket double parking on a wide residential street well after rush hour, anyway? Gar! If the City of Philadelphia can tolerate the other vehicular crap I see on a daily basis (blocking the box, running red lights, cutting off pedestrians in crosswalks), then it can damned well look the other way while I double-park to help a fellow city resident move. We'll see if the PPA agrees.

Curmudgeon alert!

First, I have to share my current favorite YouTube video.

Second, I'm at long last going to comment on Twitter. I never really had a strong opinion of this until I actually tried to read some tweets and found them incredibly annoying. My reaction had nothing to do with the content of said tweets but the mode of communication. I have said previously that I feel we are too connected these days, and Twitter is sort of the logical end to that trend. As Dan pointed out last night, the noise-to-message ratio is really high on Twitter. (He's smart.) Reading tweets is what I imagine telepathy in a concert would be like: a constant cacophony through which you have to sort to find the value. As Dan also pointed out, not all data transfer is communication. (He's really smart.) I tried to read some political tweets, but after a few posts I gave up. I have enough to do sifting my own mental blurts for a narrative, thanks; I don't need to work on someone else's.

The Inscrutable Sarah Palin

I have to tell you that I find Sarah Palin increasingly intriguing, and when the dust settles and the books have been written I'm going to read 'em. Obviously, everyone's heard she's stepping down as Alaska governor, for reasons she didn't quite articulate and no one is really sure. Slate's Bruce Reed points out that this is symptomatic of present-day Republicans:

What makes her sudden resignation especially troubling, though, is not the flawed strategy so much as her jubilation and relief in putting the statehouse in her rear mirror. Palin's resignation is a symptom of what's crippling the Republican Party of late: Governing has become an unwelcome distraction.

Anyway, what I find so fascinating about Palin is that she has half of the qualities a politician needs for success, each counterbalanced by a weakness that dooms her to failure. She's cunning but not truly clever or smart. She makes a good impression on people but can't truly read them. She's very aware of how people react to her but doesn't waste a moment actually listening to them. She's enormously ambitious but she leaves behind her a wake of bruised egos and ill feelings. Palin can put herself in the catbird's seat but she just can't seen to stay there very long.

I said it before, I'll say it again. Palin is the political version of that girl you knew in high school, and we all knew one of these girls, regardless of where or when you went to high school. When you first met her you thought she was great, but the better you got to know her the less you liked her. She wasn't book-smart and her classwork was unremarkable, but she always knew who the winners were and how she could be among them when the credits rolled. She had the cutest boyfriends and she associated herself with the most popular circle, but none of them seemed to care for her very much, and in fact were sometimes downright wary of her. And no matter how sure you were that you'd seen her worst, she could always shock you with her near-total indifference to your concerns, needs or point of view.

Needless to say, this turn of events has only piqued by interest in Ms. Palin. So I'll be watching the bookshelves!

Two things

That's what this weekend was. Thusly:

Thursday night**: Ultimate
Friday night: RPG
Saturday afternoon: Ultimate
Saturday night: RPG
Sunday morning: Ultimate

The combination of those two in my life throws off every Internet geek test I've ever taken.

All that Ultimating meant that a) I was eating like crazy all weekend; and b) I was sore as hell. B was particularly acute because Sunday morning's game was filled out by a number of tall, young, extremely fast guys who forced me to play as if I were fifteen years younger. Argh.

July approaches, and that means the Gay & Lesbian Film Festival, or Q'Fest or whatever the hell they're calling it these days. I have five films lined up, which is unusual for me. What's even more unusual is that Dan will accompany me to two of them...yay!

On a tangentially related topic, the Log Cabin Republicans have in the grand tradition of all organizations gay, splintered, most likely over egos or a stolen blouse. But don't worry...no doubt the new gay Republican group, GOProud, will just as pathetically support GOP candidates who take their votes and their donations and still vote against same sex marriage. I find gay conservatives immensely amusing, mostly because all of their efforts to "work from the inside" of the Republican Party haven't resulted in any significant policy achievements. For more fun, check out this article. Here are some gems:

"If you pulled the lever for John McCain in 2008, then passing hate-crimes legislation or ENDA [Employment Non-Discrimination Act] is probably not your priority," says Mr. LaSalvia. "Most issues that are defined as 'gay' issues have been defined by the left. We take a different approach."

That approach evidently does not include protection from gay-bashers or employment discrimination.

Take abortion. Christopher Barron, GOProud's chairman of the board, points to an example from a few years back, when a Maine state legislator introduced a bill that would have outlawed abortion for a child thought to be gay, in the event genetic testing ever reached that point. That politician, Mr. Barron says, received virtually no support from gay groups.

I cannot imagine why gay groups would be uninterested in supporting a law to ban a practice that is legal nowhere nor even scientifically possible.

This is why I loved the Log Cabin Republicans, and why I look forward with great pleasure to watching GOProud make tools and jackasses of themselves.

**I know Thursday night is hardly the weekend, but when you aren't working Friday it may as well be.

Happy Birthday Star!

Some of those who remember you well are getting together tonight, and we will think (and speak) of you. and I'll raise a glass, although it may contain only Diet Coke.

Woot, loot and fruit

I have posted the vids of my performance at Gayety, the event that commemorated the closing of Joe Coffee Bar. As you will see, it was a fun crowd and I had alot of fun performing. And I got to open for Deirdre Flint...eat it, bitches!

Wolf Block is now officially dead, although a few of the employees - me included - have been asked to stay through the summer to attend to the burial. So I spend much of my days cleaning out offices and boxing up files. It's kinda fun, because the place is nearly empty so you can yell down corridors and throw empty boxes around without fear of hitting anyone. And so I do. Also, you can have your pick of the stuff the firm is throwing out, so there is a significant amount of looting.

Looking forward to lunch so much that I will savor even the granny smith apple I brought. In case you don't know I am not wild about fruit, although I eat it on a regular basis. Strawberries, pineapple and grapes are my favorites, but I eat the apples because they're more convenient to carry and they keep alot longer.

Two Milestones

Milestone the First: WolfBlock closes its doors today, although I confess they made me a pretty good deal to stay on through the summer so I will not join the ranks of the unemployed until September. I may, however, become one of the 47 million uninsured Americans, because WB is closing the group health plan. That means no COBRA, no nothing. Back to the good old American universal health care system: Don't get sick.

Milestone the Second: Someone totally recognized me on the street today...for comedy, and not robbing a bank or something. I was on 12th Street heading north when a guy who was at Saturday's show at Joe cheered me. That made me feel better about having to go to work. A little better, anyway.

Speaking of Saturday, my two shows were, respectively, great fun and so-so. The crowd at Joe, two dozen strangers supplemented by about ten people I knew, was terrific, and I effortlessly did a twenty-five minute set. (OK, not quite effortlessly without a mic, but you know.) The Comedy Cabaret gig was a tougher nut, and I think I could have picked better material, but I got some laughs all the same, particularly on my heckler joke. And the Yoo-hoo bit worked again. I don't know why that joke has never failed me, but it's probably best not to ask why.

Yes!

I am totally digging Toni Basil's outfit in this video. Electric blue, boxy, with an over-the-top hat...ooh la la! Anyone who wears this outfit to my Halloween party automatically wins a prize. Fuck the vote! Right in the mouth.

There is no page you could turn, Mr. Steele

Evidently, Michael Steele thinks that four months is plenty of time to forget eight disastrous years.

WASHINGTON (AP) — Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele insists the GOP has embarked on a new chapter and says it now must offer genuine solutions for the ailing country.

"The era of apologizing for Republican mistakes of the past is now officially over. It is done," Steele said in remarks prepared for delivery Tuesday to state party chairmen. "We have turned the page, we have turned the corner. No more looking in the rearview mirror. From this point forward, we will focus all of our energies on winning the future."

An unnecessary war, a ruined economy, botched disaster responses and federal corruption on a grand scale...four months is not enough to forget that, sir. Four years isn't enough.

WWAFOJD

For the last few years we've all seen "WWJD" emblazoned on shirts, buttons, etc., and if you're a Christian it seems a pretty good lens through which to view moral choices, right? Wrong, says prominent evangelical Christian Gary Bauer. Get this:

“There are a lot of things Jesus wouldn’t do because he’s the son of God,” he said. “The more appropriate question is, ‘What is a follower of Jesus permitted to do?’”

The moral equation changes when the suspect is not a soldier captured on a battlefield but a terrorist who may have knowledge of an impending attack.

“I think if we believe the person we have can give us information to stop thousands of Americans from being killed, it would be morally suspect to not use harsh tactics to get that information,” Bauer said.

So let me understand this. Jesus, being divine (or part divine, or something...I have never understood it), can't torture people, but his followers, who are presumably not divine, are not only allowed to torture, they are morally obligated to do so. And so torture goes from an act of barbarity to an affirmation of one's dedication to morality. Holy cow.

You know it's bad when...

...the Republicans can't even hold on to Joe the Plumber. Hopefully, he won't follow Snarlin' Arlen's example and switch to the Democratic Party, because I really don't want him on my side.

WolfBlock is in its death throes, characterized by more angry emails about how the folks managing the wind-down don't care about the employees. Well, duh. Those people have jobs. Dan says I need to think about the people who invested 20, 30 years, and he's right, but I still have a hard time relating to those who viewed the firm as a family or something. The firm was a business, first and foremost; anyone who doubts that need only remember the speed at which the partners abandoned ship once they voted to dissolve. Except in rare occasions, your coworkers are not your family, they are not your friends, and they most certainly aren't putting your needs ahead of their own.

Grrr...

As someone who used to regularly use the South Street Bridge, I was dismayed to learn that the city tore the thing down without deciding on what would replace it. I'm no municipal planner, and my event coordination experience is limited to two self-produced comedy shows, but I think I'd have done better. For example, I don't throw out my old sneakers until I have the new ones in hand, particularly if that's going to take two frickin' years.

Here's a question: If the army can build a bridge overnight that's capable of supporting tanks, why can't the City of Philadelphia build an equally stable bridge in less than two years? Maybe we should find some battalion to do the job for us.

And the truth comes out

My employers is mere weeks away from heaving its last breath, and now that the bigwigs have gone, the lower-ranked attorneys are bitching about the firm's dissolution via company-wide email. These messages are worth reading, let me tell you. Here are some choice excerpts:

"...the abysmal failure of leadership and a few greedy lawyers unwilling to cut back on high compensation..."

"...we are all now able to find new places with better leadership and management that makes better efforts to harness the talents of their lawyer with compensation that better resemble a meritocracy than the ponzi scheme that ultimately developed at Wolf Block..."

"...we had grossly incompetent senior leadership who practiced financial insanity and, together with outsiders who stood to benefit from large fees, led their partners like lemmings to dissolution..."

A new message, full of bile and helpless anger, comes in once every few hours, so today has been just the gift that keeps on giving. I'm tempted to reply, firm-wide, to say, "People, please...continue!"

New favorite lyric:

"Tom Cruise is so in love with Katie
At least all his people tell him so
And while he thinks that she's a very special lady
It's probably not the way he'd choose to go
But a lifetime of longing looks would cause too much distraction
Good thing that he's not gay anymore"

Artist: Jonathan Coulton (Jonathan Coulton)
Song: Tom Cruise Crazy
Album: Thing a Week